Loathe ‘em or hate ‘em, you have to admire BP’s plucky determination to find positives in any situation.

BATON ROUGE — British Petroleum, whose Deepwater Horizon crude oil extraction facility has historically done so much to liberate America from a debilitating reliance upon petroleum products provided by swarthy, untrustworthy foreigners, today announced its decision to sue Louisiana-based brown pelicans in federal court for the theft of valuable company assets. “Many people have seen [...]

At present we have an inefficient federal legislative branch with members chosen on the basis of geography and population. What is needed is a bold refashioning of government — a constitutional amendment to replace our present gridlocked mess with a far more elegant and effective system based on the proven efficiencies and priorities of The Market.

Relying on their puerile judgment, the 13 year-olds running the RNC have designed “Valentine’s Day” cards to send your loved ones from various parties from the Obama Administration and Democratic leadership. Har har har. Look at poor Ben Nelson. Nobody wants to be his valentine. Pshaw. Comedy isn’t hard.

Al Qaeda has gone from a tightly organized plot, years in the making, involving multiple parties simultaneously hijacking and commandeering four airliners and crashing them into buildings leaving thousands dead, a nation scarred for life (as well as Conservatives scared for life), to a recent attempt involving a guy who flame-broiled his dick while the no smoking sign was on.

Inspired by BT’s recap of National Review’s predictions for 2009, I have decided to compile my own list of wishful conservative predictions for the new year.

The impact created by the LCROSS Centaur upper stage rocket created a two-part plume of material from the bottom of the crater. The first part was a high angle plume of vapor and fine dust and the second a lower angle ejecta curtain of heavier material. This material has not seen sunlight in billions of years.

“Billions of years”?! Holy man-sized safe, Batman — what else could be hidden under the surface of the moon that we earthlings have given up all hope of finding?

Breaking news: At a White House press briefing, Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius announced that a deal was being cut with congress to include a special program in the upcoming health care reform, commonly known as ObamaCare. “In recognition of the traumatic stress syndrome that uniquely afflicts many Republicans, we are adding a program to provide psychological counseling for those Republicans who want it. We hope that the bipartisan nature of this gesture will help to ensure speedy passage of the legislation.”