One of the important things that we have learned from Mitt Romney on this, his fifth attempt to land one of those sweet civil service job, is that corporations are people. It is true, in fact, that most corporations exhibit more lifelike or “human” qualities than Mitt Romney; something the engineers at the Tyrell Corporation are working frantically to address with a firmware upgrade on the Nexus-6 Romneybot model before the general election gets under way.

Many conservative bloggers went to sleep last night all butthurty and sad because Mitt Romney’s minions (Mittiots by proxy) would not take their phone calls during the Official “Newt Gingrich’s mama is soooo fat…” conference call.

Oh, Rick Santorum, is there any discussion you can’t make stupider by adding your two cents?

Needless to say, the ascent and staying power of the Newt candidacy (combined with the awe-inspiring success of JuiceBox Jesus) is making me reassess all of my theological assumptions.

If you are a lobbying firm that sent out a proposal describing how you will do “opposition research” designed to create “negative narratives” about the occupy movement for a cool $850,000 and then your memo ends up on the front page of MSNBC.com as well as on the teevee and this all happens on the same day that the other big national story is a bunch of occupy students being hosed down with pepper spray by Chubby McCampuscop …. well, you kind of suck at your job.

Just when you thought the bloggerminions of Andrew Breitbart had finally broken the the “too stupid to breathe” barrier and mankind could go no further, another one huffs a can of Krylon, and “Breitbart Big Exclusive!!” — Seems Obama faked his assembly line speech! Not.

Over at Hot Air, where she is auditioning for a future role as a Fox News fembot, Tina Korbe is very concerned that a teacher in Texas is forcing Texas-Murican kids to murder the English language (more than they usually do) and swear a blood-oath to abuela Mexico.

This was the most successful launch of a soon to be abandoned conservative website since The Next Right burst upon the scene and swept John McCain and Sarah Palin to their 47 state landslide in 2008 and then we invaded our neighbors to the north and installed Willow Palin as Super Awesome Most Totally Hawt Princess of Upper America-Canadia.

You know what would have made the Breitbart version even better? If Andrew and Dana and Mike were shown walking away from the building in slow motion while it exploded behind them in a blaze of righteous glory.

That’s always awesome in movies…

You know what I like to do on 9/11? Cruise suburban neighborhoods looking for children’s birthday parties which I then crash screaming at the kids about jihad and Islam and death from above. Then I force them to watch Schindler’s List. Afterwards … cake and ice cream and the piñata!.