When we last saw Juicebox Jesus, he and the Denver TeBroncos were being beaten like the red-headed children of a lesser God by the guy who bangs supermodels and the other guy who hangs out with pornstars. Combine that with serial humper Newt Gingrich’s victory in evangelical South Carolina and it seems fairly obvious the God is down with the sexytime, possibly because everyone is always calling His name during the act.

In case you couldn’t tell by a weeks worth of St. Timmy of The Holy 3:16 articles (“What If Tim Tebow Was Muslim? … “Is Tim Tebow Gay?” …. “Who Would Win In A Fight Between Tim Tebow and Superman?”) as well as political writers trying to wrestle to the ground some Tim Tebow: America’s Greatest Quarterback/Leader Of The Free World fanfic ….. well, yeah, he’s gonna play again tonight against the Dark Forces of Satan led by the Hoodie of Doom.

Today St. Timothy of Oh Poop, I Threw To The Wrong Guy…. Again faces his greatest challenge since coming to grips with having to place his hands near another man’s manparts in order to receive the ball which, I might add, is expressly forbidden in Corinthians 13: 8-10.

Today, Jan 1 2012, Tim Tebow will single-handedly take on the Chiefs led by Kyle Orton who, you may remember, was cast out of Denver because the Bronco’s defense hadn’t jelled yet which was totally Orton’s fault. It will be a Battle of Destiny; God’s desire that the Broncos make it to the playoffs vs. Romeo Crennel’s desire to become the permanent head coach of the Chiefs.

And speaking of fucking, Jezebel has a handy guide if by chance you come across Tim Tebow in a vulnerable moment. Remember; he may start out poorly but there is a good chance of a big finish, if you know what I mean and I think you do, in which case you’re probably going to hell.

I’ll save you a seat…

Saint Timothy of The 48% Completion Rate takes on the Cutler-less, Forte-less Chicago Bears today who managed to roll up a whopping 181 net yards against Kansas City last week en route to three, count’em, three (3) points. If the Bears could be beaten by KC’s Tyler Palko (who has the distinction of having once been cut by the United Football League’s California Redwoods in the pre-season) one can only imagine what the Anointed One will do to the Bears.

As you can see (and may have heard), things are going great guns for St. Timothy of the Wobbly Underthrown Pass. He is 5-1 since taking over from Orton the Castoff, and there have even been rumors of MVP consideration. It truly is an almost-but-not-quite-there Christmas miracle.

Today he will face the Vikings who have a real live Christian as their quarterback, so God will be faced with a mighty dilemma. Possibly a tie, which is like kissing your sister if your sister happens to be Sister Mary Katherine Knucklerapper.

This is not right. You are not alone. This must change. With these three phrases, the mighty are brought down and the lowly lifted up.

On this Thanksgiving Weekend, I am thankful for all who stand up to bullies.

There’s a deep undercurrent here that people don’t really want to talk about. But it’s there. The lives of children are entrusted to the all-American tradition of athletics, and the controls on keeping predators out of that tradition are obviously lax.

You are never going to be able to get rid of all sick people ever. These people find kids to victimize like that is their job. So absent a science fiction vaccine that wipes out whatever wiring flaw in people’s minds as makes them do this, what you have to have is an oversight structure with its eyes on the prize. The prize isn’t the football coach’s reputation, or the university president’s, or the football team’s, or the town’s. The prize isn’t keeping everybody quiet so that nobody at Sports Illustrated has to write anything awkward. The prize isn’t letting Joe Paterno retire quietly as a legend because legacy and winning and blah blah blah.