“Well…my highest priority except for some politicking, of course; it’s election season, and I had to poke old John Boehner in the eye just a li’l bit, didn’t I? Now I wrote to the Speaker a few days ago, and asked if I might possibly pretty please address a Joint Session o’ Congress on the 7th to clearly enunciate my Jobs Will Save America plan and help restore confidence in me in the government and the economy.

Now John said nope; the Republican Candidates were havin’ another one of their ‘How Many of You Have Signed Grover’s No-Tax Pledge?’ Debates that night, but now he’s sayin’ he never said that, but I switched it to the 8^th, and I wanted to see that kickoff NFL game; you prolly did, too; but whatever, John. It was all just a big coinkidink, not some political gamesmanship on my part; come on.”

Republican legislators in Alabama are working on bills that would require drug testing for individuals receiving welfare payments. The bills will be patterned after those that became law in Florida earlier this summer.

At least one Alabama Democrat, showing that some Southern liberals actually have a pair, vows he will tack on an amendment to any Republican bill. Alvin Holmes, a state representative from Montgomery, says his amendment would require state legislators to take drug tests. In fact, Holmes (photo, above) would require all those who receive federal funds through Alabama to take drug tests.

I come from a family of academics who are actually intellectually intimidating.

Congressman Paul Ryan is very serious about America’s precarious financial health which is why he is constantly trying to cut back on needless expenses like medical care for elderly Americans who are perfectly capable of breaking into medical waste containers outside of doctors offices and hospitals where they can forage for expired pharmaceutical samples and ‘gently used’ hypodermic needles. They are, after all, The Greatest Generation … or so Tom Brokaw keeps telling us.

But Ryan thinks it is also very important that we extend a helping hand to our future leaders who are painstakingly culled from our collegiate student herd population and housed in the petri dishes of future excellence more commonly referred to as “sororities’ and “fraternities.”

I am not …

Things you will learn today:

Pregnancy is not a medical issue.
Sean Hannity’s inability to get it up is.

Osama Bin Laden was looking to re-brand al-Qaeda. Suggestions anyone?

The United States has to cut back spending on the Commerce Department or it will bankrupt the country. Okay, I have no evidence for this and it really doesn’t make any sense. The Commerce Department’s budget is about $10 billion a year, less than 0.3 percent of total spending, but this note is written in the spirit of Thomas Friedman.

Just as Thomas Friedman can tell readers that Social Security and Medicare are bankrupting the country with no evidence, in my blognote I get to blame the Commerce Department. The reality of course is that Social Security is fully funded by its own dedicated tax revenue through the year 2036, meaning the program on net imposes no burden on the government.

Last night’s Republican debate — far less eloquent than Mike Emrich.

Hard to believe that a repeating loop pushed breathlessly by FoxNews turned out to be complete BS.