When we last saw Juicebox Jesus, he and the Denver TeBroncos were being beaten like the red-headed children of a lesser God by the guy who bangs supermodels and the other guy who hangs out with pornstars. Combine that with serial humper Newt Gingrich’s victory in evangelical South Carolina and it seems fairly obvious the God is down with the sexytime, possibly because everyone is always calling His name during the act.

As you can see (and may have heard), things are going great guns for St. Timothy of the Wobbly Underthrown Pass. He is 5-1 since taking over from Orton the Castoff, and there have even been rumors of MVP consideration. It truly is an almost-but-not-quite-there Christmas miracle.

Today he will face the Vikings who have a real live Christian as their quarterback, so God will be faced with a mighty dilemma. Possibly a tie, which is like kissing your sister if your sister happens to be Sister Mary Katherine Knucklerapper.

Ground Control to Major Herm
Ground Control to Major Herm
Take your little blue pill and put your “helmet” on

With 2012 just a month away, the president is clearly feeling the pressure from his Republican challengers… no, no, not to develop a more compelling policy agenda to win the American people’s support; don’t be ridiculous.

What I mean is that with all the media attention on the mind-boggling farce known as the GOP nomination contest, President Obama must want equal time in terms of folks making fun of him, too.

I suppose timing has a lot to do with it. With the Thanksgiving holiday closing in, and recognizing that they were not in a supermarket freezer or otherwise dinner-table bound, a bunch of gobblers (in suspiciously human form) decided this week was an excellent moment to show off what turkeys they are.

With Halloween coming up on Monday, there’s going to be a lot of grown-ups attending masquerade parties this weekend. Which, unfortunately, has meant a lot of long, last-minute lines in crowded costume stores — including the one in Washington, D.C., where all the Republican presidential candidates went shopping earlier this week.

You know what would have made the Breitbart version even better? If Andrew and Dana and Mike were shown walking away from the building in slow motion while it exploded behind them in a blaze of righteous glory.

That’s always awesome in movies…

If there is one thing that makes conservatives absolutely crazy (besides liberals and poor people and homosexuals and government and brown people and Social Security and Medicare and abortion and science and intellectuals with their so-called “knowledge” and clean air and clean water and good looking women who won’t sleep with them probably because they’re dykes, yeah, that’s it and foreigners with their weird not-english languages and. oh yeah, sarcasm that always seems to be directed at them and then there’s Hollywood and hip hop music and how Dateline and that snoopy busybody Chris Hansen have made it almost impossible to find a date online and also that Kenyan muslim President guy who is very annoying because … did I mention that he’s black?) it’s the fact that conservatives can’t pry the youth of America away from their tattoos and their texting and casual swapping of STD’s long enough to teach them about how awesome America is.

“Well…my highest priority except for some politicking, of course; it’s election season, and I had to poke old John Boehner in the eye just a li’l bit, didn’t I? Now I wrote to the Speaker a few days ago, and asked if I might possibly pretty please address a Joint Session o’ Congress on the 7th to clearly enunciate my Jobs Will Save America plan and help restore confidence in me in the government and the economy.

Now John said nope; the Republican Candidates were havin’ another one of their ‘How Many of You Have Signed Grover’s No-Tax Pledge?’ Debates that night, but now he’s sayin’ he never said that, but I switched it to the 8^th, and I wanted to see that kickoff NFL game; you prolly did, too; but whatever, John. It was all just a big coinkidink, not some political gamesmanship on my part; come on.”

Republican legislators in Alabama are working on bills that would require drug testing for individuals receiving welfare payments. The bills will be patterned after those that became law in Florida earlier this summer.

At least one Alabama Democrat, showing that some Southern liberals actually have a pair, vows he will tack on an amendment to any Republican bill. Alvin Holmes, a state representative from Montgomery, says his amendment would require state legislators to take drug tests. In fact, Holmes (photo, above) would require all those who receive federal funds through Alabama to take drug tests.