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April 07, 2010

Late Night: Canada Is Fine, It’s Your Mustache That’s the Problem

Posted in: Uncategorized

Douchestache

A lot of people have trouble with Michael Medved’s mustache, calling it a “hateful & contemptible lip-douche.” They ask questions like, “what did that hideous sewer caterpillar ever do to you that  made you want to crucify it under your nose?” Myself, though, I approve of it. A mustache like that says to the world, “hello, world! I’m a sanctimonious prick, let me annoy you with my dipshit self-righteous opinions.” It’s a real time-saver, frankly.

Anyway. Medved has this emanation up at Townhall where he presents the case to the sullen, surly inmates that there are Key Differences between Canada and Nazi Germany, and that therefore Barack Obama is not “evil,” he just wants to do evil things that you shouldn’t call “evil” because that’s not nice, so let’s just politely agree that he deep down hates America, like all Leftists. It doesn’t make very much sense, but maybe if you stare at the mustache long enough, it will become clear.

Contrasting attitudes toward the United States of America characterize the great divide in this country between right and left, but the similarly crucial distinction between mainstream conservatives and right wing hysterics reflects their radically different assessments of… Canada, of all places. For the first time since the War of 1812, in fact, debate about the true nature of our terminally bland neighbor to the north plays a significant role in American politics.

Medved actually has sort of a point here. If Canada’s single payer healthcare system is not Tyranny but merely, you know, a policy enacted by a democratic state to handle an important public issue, then pretty much all of the Teabagging drama suddenly becomes so much abject hysterical bullshit. Which it is! Medved is significantly aware of consensus reality to concede this basic point, stressing that a healthcare system like Canada’s is not inherently “evil,” and hence neither is Obama for wanting something like that (which he in fact does not, but leave that be for a moment).

The idea that neither the president nor single-payer are “evil” has the entirely predictably hilarious Townhall comments results:

It is freedom and the exceptionalism of the United States citizens that kicked the tories out of the US after the Revolution and moved them to Canada. The woosies have been building a nanny state ever since. I would argue that the reason they are less repressive then their elite lefties would like is the long boarder with the much larger and more dynamic US has kept them from totally smothering the Canadian people’s desire for freedom.

No doubt. But I’m more interested in the wingnut honey that Medved feels impelled to coat his post with, so as to make the bitter pill of ludicrously obvious fact (Canada is not Maoist China) easier for the crazies to swallow (not that they didn’t spit it out anyhow). To wit, Medved quotes this nonsense from Norman Poohoreitz:

I think it fair to say that what the Left mainly sees when it looks at America is injustice and oppression of every kind – economic, social, and political. By sharp contrast, the Right sees a complex of traditions, principles, and institutions that have made it possible for more freedom – and even factoring in periodic economic downturns – more prosperity to be enjoyed by more of its citizens than in any other society known to human history. It follows that what liberals believe needs to be changed or discarded is precisely what conservatives are dedicated to preserving, reinvigorating, and defending against attack.

Bullshit. What the Right “sees” when it “looks at America” is that it is infested with Evil-doers who are so twisted with hate for Uncle Sam that they want insurance companies to not be able to refuse to cover sick kids. Or something.

The American Right is nothing without its demonization of an imaginary “Left.” As I’ve said before, imagine how freaked out these guys would be be if the American left actually had any influence on policy in this country. Horrors!


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