Late Night: You Aught-ta Know…
So, as this year draws to a close — talk about going out with a bang! — and we enter the 21st century’s even more obnoxious “Tweens” (yeah, yeah, argue amongst yerselves when the new decade really starts), I thought it might be a good time to reminisce. I do love a good list, so I have decided to create “Things I Won’t Miss About the Aughts”. As always, this list is hardly all-inclusive and in no particular order, except the first one; I’m sure I’ll smack my forehead later and think, “Jeezy creezy, how the hell could I have forgotten to put THAT on the list?”
So help a sister out. Please add what you won’t miss about 2000-2009 in comments.
1. The COMPLETE failure of the administration of warlord ventriloquist Dick Cheney and his dummy, George W. Bush. And anything and anyone even tangentially related to them.
2. Laura Bush’s unfortunate fashion choices. Cameltoes in the White House. Oy.
3. Fred Thompson in his role as “Grandpa Daddy.” Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.
4. Rudy Giuliani’s multiple runs for office (although they did make for very amusing blog posts around the country).
5. For that matter, enough with the “WTMI” about Rudy Giuliani’s personal life.
6. Donald Rumsfeld’s verbal kung fu press conferences.
7. People taking photographs of their babies in front of the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center. Yeah, you’ll look back on that at future family reunions and think “Good times!”
8. The genius idiot box programming directors taking MTV’s “Real World” format and running it into the ground. Who the hell are the Kardashians, anyway?
9. Michelle Duggar‘s perpetually dilated cervix. I mean, granted, attaturk and I spent countless hours guessing which “J” name they were going to come up with next. They haven’t gotten to “Jazzhands” yet, but I’m thinking that poor woman’s uterus is screaming “JUST STOP ALREADY!” To be fair, though, Michelle Duggar seems incredibly well-adjusted, at least when you compare her to Octomom.
10. Killer sharks and missing white women.
12. The War on [fill in unwinnable conflict here]. Nothing says “neverending riches for the military/corporate industrial complex” like amorphous enemies.
13. Celebutantes and their sex tapes. Only in this country can little rich girls become media celebrities by having sex.
14. Assholes who think driving Hummers est muy macho. Buh bye, Hummers!
15. The death of Reason in this country.
Anyway, I’m looking forward to 2010, since it’s the Year of the Tiger.
So from me to all of you, happy holidays and may we someday get peace on Earth, campaign finance reform, real climate change legislation, and single payer health care? Please?
Return to: Late Night: You Aught-ta Know…