Late Nite FDL: A Booty Call to Dan Gerstein
Posted in: 2006 Election, Lieberman, Media
It’s a dreary, rainy night here at the FDL safe-house. Ned the Fighting Koi is swimming happily in his bowl on the desk and all is quiet except for the sound of the rain on the roof. Nights like this, sometimes, you know these satin sheets can feel so cold, and this big bed seems so empty and forlorn.
And tonight, I just feel sad. Lonesome. "Why, Rex, why?" you may ask, "You’ve got everything a 60ft. theropod could want. You’re handsome, successful, well-respected in your field, and now you’ve even got your own press agent. What’s to feel so blue about?"
Because, Gentle Readers, sadly, Dan Gerstein appears to have been forbidden to talk to reporters any more. From the New Haven Independent:
Asked to comment on the "anti-Democratic" charges against Lieberman, the campaign’s new press secretary, Tammy Sun, responded:
"Supporters of the Nedster may be focused on political gamesmanship and party politics, but Joe Lieberman is more concerned about what is best for the people of Connecticut. He believes they deserve better, which is why he’s running as an Independent Democrat on a message of unity and purpose."
What?! New press secretary? But what about Dan-O the Idiot Boy?! But-! But-! We were having so much fun with Danny! You can’t take him away from us now! He was the best thing about the Lieberman campaign! But sure enough, this "Tammy Sun" vixen makes a cameo at the end of the parade video that went up over at CT Bob’s place last night. How dare they? What on earth are they thinking? Dan Gerstein is Ned Lamont’s biggest ally in the battle to unseat Rape Gurney Joe! Oh, woe! Why, God, WHYYYY?! Who, I ask you, is going to phone up the major media outlets and go into hysterical tantrums? Who else could be bothered to float such obvious and easily debunked lies? Who else could possibly be so thin-skinned, humorless, and narcissistic that sending them out to do battle with the blogs is like sending a man into a lion cage wearing a suit made of pork-chops? Dammit, Dan, come BACK!! The Lamont campaign needs you! And more importantly, I need you. And that’s why I am being forced to swallow my pride and make this Late Nite Booty Call. Dan, listen. I’m sorry for all those things I said. You know I didn’t mean it. Well, not all of it. I’m sorry if my love drove you over the edge. But, you know, that’s what some Crazy Theropod Love will do to a man. Just come back to me, Dan. I’ll go slow this time, I promise. Don’t leave me here alone, baby. We belong together, you and I. The bottle of chablis is still cold, Dan. The incense is burning. The disco ball is turning. I’ve got Barry White’s Greatest Hits cued up on the hi-fi. Don’t run away from me, again, boy. A love like ours is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You can’t fight fate. I know we can be happy, no matter what our friends say. This love is too good to let go. So come on back and let’s make sweet love down by the fire. Like only we can, you and I. At first, I just liked you because you made my job as a lefty satirist so much easier. Who needs to spend all that time writing jokes when you’re pitching daily tantrums in the media? All I really had to do was cut and paste and voila(!!), instant Late Nite comedy gold! But then I started to like you. I admit, I have a weakness for histrionic little men with grossly outsized notions of their own importance. (It’s what made me keep that picture of Henry Rollins hung up in my locker for all four years of high school.) You were like the Prince of press secretaries. Tell me there is some truth to the rumors that you have 50 hours of non-stop flame-outs on tape in the vaults there at campaign headquarters, please. I will need something to tide me over if you change your name to a symbol and go into hiding. You’re the Mozart of mendacity! The Sultan of Spinsanity! The Vladimir Horowitz of hysterics. We need you. I need you. Dan, don’t go! Come back, baby! I swear, I’ll make it right! I never meant to do you wrong. Now come and love your TRex all night long. Yeah, baby. That’s my Late Nite Message of Love to you. Don’t be cruel. I don’t know if I can get by without you. I’ll be waiting. But before I sign off tonight, I need to give a shout-out to all those jealous bitchez at the National Journal who are all freaked out that FDL had the gall to hire a Press Secretary of our own. Look, we tried to offer Gerstein the job. The ADA says that we get tax benefits if we hire the morally handicapped, but he wouldn’t bite. So, Xtina will have to do. But don’t let it freak you out too bad. It was a necessary step in our plan for eventual world domination and the destruction of all who oppose us. Don’t let it bother you. If Josh Marshall had done it first, you’d be calling it an act of genius, the inevitable next step in legitimizing blogs in the eyes of the world. You’re just all freaked out because the blog with the girls and the gay guys did it first. Oh, and be careful with your hands, fellas. You’ll be needing them to PUMP OUR FUCKING GAS, okay? Thank you and good night.
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