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July 11, 2006

An Open Letter to Democrats From Planned Parenthood

Posted in: 2006 Election,Joe Lieberman,Ned Lamont

03-13-2006-n1a_13CecileNEW-GNT1R882T-1.jpg

Howdy y’all!

I know there were a few raised eyebrows over our recent endorsement of Joe Lieberman for the US Senate over his solidly pro-choice opponent, Ned Lamont, especially given Joe’s recent comments telling rape victims to take a hike short ride.  While this no doubt raised concern among some, we know that it probably gave great comfort to many of you who cower before the threat posed to your re-election by extreme fundamentalists.  We just wanted you to know that this is our way of saying "we’re there for you."

From now on, even if 74% of Catholics in your state think that publicly funded hospitals should be required to provide emergency contraception to women who have just been brutally raped, we just want you to know that it’s okay to suck up to Catholic League nutjobs like Bill Donohue and Kate O’Beirne.  We are open for business and will rubber stamp your pro-choice bona fides anyway, and promise to make absolutely no mention of any of this when we endorse you.  You’ll be openly bragging about what a great friend you are to women in no time.

Worried that your cloture vote to put anti-Roe right wing extremists like Samuel Alito on the bench will be held against you?  Fear not!  We don’t even count cloture votes in our helpful scorecard.  Hell, you can cast a meaningless floor vote against him the next  day and we’ll tell our marks supporters to drop you a thank-you note!  It’s the least we can do.

And as for those lovely license plates — you know, those official "choose life" abominations that are used to fund fake pregnancy counseling centers outside real Planned Parenthood offices, one of the favorite ways anti-choice groups make inroads into blue states — feel free to pimp those too.  Christ, with all the deceptive smear campaigning a fella’s gotta do these days to get elected, you’ve got to maintain your reputation as a sanctimonious blowhard somehow.  

No, as long as you’re willing to show up at our fundraisers and make sure the money keeps flowing, we’ll gladly turn our backs on women who might actually be knowledgeable and concerned about what’s going on in your state, much like Susan Yolen, head of CT-Planned Parenthood, who voted as a delegate for Ned Lamont at the Democratic convention in June.  People like her obviously do not understand how important people like you are, and they certainly don’t appreciate the vital need to kiss your ring and offer you up the protection you need to make sure your incumbency is preserved.

We want you to know we have only begun to plumb the depths of what we’re willing to do to insure that the threats to choice in this country persist and the cash register keeps churning.  Screw all the "little people" we have in clinics across the country whose lives are increasingly on the line as anti-choice nutjobs become emboldened by the actions of people like you — they just do not understand How Things Are Done.

Feel free to drop a little something in the till here to show that you’re picking up what I’m puttin’ down, know what I mean?  And I look forward to seeing you on Saturday for Lynn Cheney’s five alarm chili.

Sincerely,
Cecile Richards on behalf of Planned Parenthood 

(Update:  It’s official.  NARAL has now endorsed Lieberman.  Just shoot me — JH) 


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