Sexistgreedheaddipwads say “What?”
Posted in: Republicans, Snark, Wingnut welfare, Women's issues
Bob Stokes and Rick Santorum
Tonight at FDL I’m inviting Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar to come over from their cable-access station in Aurora, Illinois to bring their cable-related expertise to bear on the interesting situation of The Weather Channel, which is looking to get big bucks selling itself to a new owner even as it tries to suppress the news of their having lost a sexual-harassment suit against them. Take it away, Wayne and Garth!
(Shot of camera doing a slow fade in to the sound of ’80s-style metal music; two young men in typical late-’80s metal head garb and hairdos sit in what looks to be a typical studio set for an interview show)
WAYNE AND GARTH: Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! Party Time! FDL!
WAYNE: Welcome to Wayne’s World on FDL! I am your excellent host, Wayne Campbell, and with me as always is Garth Algar. Thanks to Fire Dog Lake and Phoenix Woman for this most excellent opportunity!
WAYNE AND GARTH (getting up from their chairs and kneeling in front of the camera, arms outstretched): We’re not worthy! We’re not worthy! We SUCK!
(W&G return to their chairs and high-five each other)
GARTH: Party on, Wayne!
WAYNE: Party on, Garth!
WAYNE: Today our guests on Wayne’s World will be Bob Stokes, the former male anchor for The Weather Channel who got fired after TWC lost a sexual-harassment lawsuit filed against it by one of his former anchorwomen, Hillary Andrews, and former Senator from Pennsylvania Rick Santorum, who tried to make it illegal for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration to do what they have for decades, which is to provide for free what his buddies at Accu-Weather and The Weather Channel charge the public to see.
(Camera cuts to show Stokes and Santorum in seats flanking Garth and Wayne respectively)
GARTH: Harsh! What is it with Republicans, greed, and condoning sexual mistreatment of women, dude? It makes me think of the woman employee of Halliburton who the company held captive after she got raped by her own co-workers!
WAYNE: Good call, Garth. Maybe these two gentlemen could clue us in on that. Let’s start with Bob Stokes. Bob, tell us how you think your being called out for sexual harassment will affect the efforts of TWC to sell itself — whoa!
GARTH: Dude! Stop it!
STOKES: (touching Garth’s hair) You’re so lovely…
(Wayne and Garth push Stokes back into his chair)
GARTH: Take your Ritalin, dude! (Aside to Wayne) Hey, I get to say that to somebody for a change! Schweeet!
WAYNE: While we’re waiting for Bob to take his chill pill, let’s go to our other guest, former Senator and traditional family values advocate Rick Santorum. (turns to Santorum) Sexistgreedheaddipwad say what?
SANTORUM: What?
WAYNE: Thank you. Garth, how’s Bob doing over there?
STOKES: (to Garth) Can I show you my swizzle stick, honey?
GARTH: I think I’m gonna hurl!
WAYNE: Um, schwing?
STOKES: Tell me what you like about me. I need to hear it. Tell me you find me attractive.
GARTH: Dude, no way!
STOKES: C’mon, please, just tell me you find me attractive –
(Wayne pulls out a baseball bat and hits Stokes, who slumps in his chair)
GARTH: Whoa! Thanks, dude!
WAYNE: No problemo!
(Wayne turns to Santorum) Any comments, Senator?
SANTORUM: Miss Andrews brought it on herself by having a mannish career. In fact, even getting an education is the wrong way for poor, low-skill, unmarried mothers with high school diplomas or GEDs to move up the economic ladder.
WAYNE: (speechless for some moments) Umm…okay. I’m sure that this was what led to your being reelected in 2006…
(exchanges a knowing look with Garth)
WAYNE AND GARTH: (together) …NOT!
WAYNE: Denied!
(They high-five each other as Santorum looks on and Stokes lolls in his chair)
WAYNE: Well, we’re out of time for this special FDL edition of Wayne’s World. Good night and remember to be excellent to one another.
GARTH: Wait, isn’t that Bill and Ted’s line?
WAYNE: Yeah it is, but it’s pretty cool, so I’m borrowing it.
GARTH: Cool. Party on, Wayne!
WAYNE: Party on, Garth!
WAYNE AND GARTH: Party on, everybody! Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World!
STOKES: (stirring back to consciousness) I could win you over if I wanted to.
WAYNE AND GARTH: Eeeeeewwwww!
(fade out)
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