Sunday Late Night: Feel Safer Now?
Posted in: TSA
TSA Boob: “What do you like? You like tigers, animals? Anything like that? Huh?”
Dad: “Rocco, he’s gotta check you. He’s gonna just check you out, okay?”
TSA Boob: “Can you sit up for me?”
Dad: “Sit up, real nice!”
TSA Boob: “You’re a good boy! [feels boy's torso with gloved hands, feels boy's upper body and arms, reaches under boy's buttocks, pats down boy, feels both legs of boy's shorts, slides hands down boy's right leg and then boy's left leg, with cast on it] [Feels boy's cast in front and back, places gloved hands on back of boy's torso]
TSA Boob: “Okay, I’m gonna take some swabs of his cast, also. And of the chair.”
Dad: “Um, what?”
TSA Boob: “No problem! I’m just gonna swab his chair and his cast now.”
Dad: “Okay. Rocco, they gotta just check you, it’s okay. It’s no big deal!”
Rocco: “I wanna go with Mom!”
Dad: “Yeah, we’re gonna go there and we’re gonna eat in a minute.”
Dad superscripts on video: My little boy wanted me to come over and hold his hand and give him a hug. He was trembling with fear. I was told I could NOT touch him or come near him during this process. Instead we had to pretend this was “ok” so he didn’t panic.
Dad: “It’s kinda weird, but it’s no big deal.”
Sister comes over, strokes Rocco’s head; Mom yells from out-of-frame, “Don’t do that! Come over here!”
Dad: “Evvie, go on….”
Dad: “What do you think of this?”
Rocco: [shakes head]
Dad: “Weird, huh? It’s a little weird.”
Rocco: “Yeah….” [mouth turns down]
Dad: “Are you nervous? Don’t be nervous…. He’s just checking to make sure we’re okay to get on the plane, that’s all. Okay?”
TSA Boob: [returning, with swabs] “Yeah, that’s all.”
Dad, superscripts on video: Apparently there’s a lot of children in wheelchairs being used to bring down planes. It’s a brilliant plan when you think about it. PRETEND you are going to Disney, with 3 children, 2 parents, and 2 grandparents… when REALLY you smuggle C4 inside your toddler’s cast and wheelchair.
TSA Boob: [swabs cast, stands up] “Okay, if you can, can you lift his shirt up? If you don’t wanna do that here, I can take you to a private screening area. ”
TSA Boob: “Okay, now the back side…. [swabs Rocco's waistband] Okay!” [to Rocco] Can you put your hand right there? [swabs boy's left hand] How about this hand?
Rocco: [holds up his ticket, looks at TSA boob, then transfers tickets and boarding pass to other hand, holds up his right hand]
TSA Boob: [swabs boy's right hand] “Okay!”
Dad superscripts on video: I was livid at this point. I am asking myself why the F#@k isn’t someone with a brain coming over to waive him through. SOMEONE in a position of authority NEEDS to make the obvious decision this child is not a threat RIGHT? You are swabbing a three year olds hands for explosives????? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
TSA Boob: [swabs back of wheelchair. swabs push-handles of wheelchair. swabs arms of wheelchair. swabs wheels of wheelchair. swabs brake handless of wheelchair. ] “Be back in a second!”
Rocco wriggles in chair.
Dad posts another superscript: There’s another threat! A senior citizen with a cane! Crack work from the ACE TSA team at ORD. Meanwhile they haven’t swabbed the toddler ENOUGH. Check the wheelchair AGAIN guys! This kids looking fishy!!!
TSA Boob runs swabs from boy, cast, chair, clothing through “explosive detecting machine.”
Dad: “We’re almost done, buddy! Okay? It’s okay….”
Rocco looks around at the madness surrounding him, blinks eyes, face turns red. Being VERY brave for dad.
Dad: “It’s okay, he’s just checking you out.”
Rocco jumps and turns with wild eyes as he realizes TSA Boob has snuck up behind him, not said a word, and resumed swabbing the seat back of his wheelchair with no warning.
Dad: “He’s checking out this chair.”
TSA Boob pulls at Rocco’s shorts, briefly, as he pats down the chair seat. Kneels around the chair as he pats it down, again. No swab, just his gloved hands.
TSA Boob: “You’re set, sir.”
Dad: “Okay. Thank you.”
Incredibly patient dad.
Incredibly brave boy.
Incredibly stupid TSA Boob.
Incredibly safe skies? You be the judge of how your tax and transportation dollars are being spent to keep you safe.
Return to: Sunday Late Night: Feel Safer Now?