Late Night FACT: You Will Die Horribly No Later Than Tuesday

Last week I informed you that your favorite candidate sucks. This week I bring you even better news. It doesn’t matter that your favorite Democratic candidate, who sucks, has no chance to win the nomination, much less the election. Why?

Because you are going to be dead by Tuesday. It’s a FACT. Deader than Julius Caesar. Deader than Fred Thompson in Iowa. As dumb dead as a ham sandwich that just got hanged for murder most foul.

What’s more, you will die in horrible agony, in excruciating misery, screaming for the sweet release of easeful Death. Your sufferings will be awful, FAR WORSE even than that time when you were nine and went to your assface cousin’s house and he spilled a big jug of Sunny D all over your clothes and so your stupid aunt made you borrow some of his clothes for the ride home, including his underpants, and they were Superman underpants with skidmarks and they were still damp in the crotch even though they’d just come out of the dryer. Remember how bad that sucked? Huh? Huh?

Well, you can quit your whining now, buster, because by Tuesday you will be killed by terrorists enabled by Democratic chicanery on FISA.

That is a FACT. How do I know that this is a fact? Well, I don’t know that it is a "fact" at all, quite frankly. Rather, I know that it is a FACT, which is a far, far more serious and frightening thing, because it is written in all capital letters. So how do I know that it is a FACT? Because the White House says so.

This is an official White House press release, so one thing that we can say without any fear of contradiction, is that this press release is (1) official and (2) emanates from the White House. These are established facts. Established facts. FACTS, even.

Now that we have demonstrated the veracity of the foregoing beyond a reasonable doubt, it would of course be logical to assume that the rest of the argument is likewise accurate. On this basis, let us proceed. To begin:

1. MYTH: The future security of our country does not depend on whether Congress provides liability protection for companies being sued for billions of dollars only because they are believed to have assisted the Government in defending America after the 9/11 attacks.

* FACT: Without the retroactive liability protection provided in the bipartisan Senate bill, we may not be able to secure the private sector’s cooperation with current and future intelligence efforts critical to our national security.

* FACT: Senior intelligence leaders have repeatedly testified that providing retroactive liability protection is critical to carrying out their mission of protecting our homeland.

The logic here is ironclad and irrefutable and wearing iron and cannot be refuted. Indeed, it is completely impossible to imagine that private companies would obey an illegal government order and do something illegal if they weren’t told by the government that they would later retroactively make all the illegal stuff they were doing magically legal. DUH. That’s just common sense.

And the intelligence leaders cited here are SENIOR intelligence leaders. How more persuasive can you get? SENIOR intelligence leaders. Not juniors. Not sophs. Not freshmen, Lord save us.

MYTH: Even if the critical tools provided by the Protect America Act expire, the authorizations already in place to monitor terrorist communications will leave the Intelligence Community with all the tools it needs to continue current surveillance and begin new surveillance on any terrorist threat.

* FACT: If Congress lets the Protect America Act expire without passing the bipartisan Senate bill, the Intelligence Community’s ability to obtain vital foreign intelligence information, including the location, intentions, and capabilities of terrorists and other foreign intelligence targets abroad, will be weakened.

This is precisely why it would be stupid for the President to compromise and accept a temporary extension of the law: it may be "matter of life and death," but the President is not in the basis of appeasement, either of terrorists or the elected representatives of the American people.

MYTH: If any new surveillance needs to begin, the FISA court can approve a request within minutes. In the case of an emergency, surveillance can begin immediately and FISA approval can be obtained later.

* FACT: Reverting to the outdated FISA statute risks our national security.

Take THAT, hippie Osama-lovers.

MYTH: Accepting another temporary extension of the Protect America Act would not endanger our Nation’s security.

* FACT: Further temporary extensions of the Protect America Act would create uncertainty and unacceptable risks to our national security. Additional short-term extensions would not give our Intelligence Community the assurance it needs that critical tools under the Protect America Act will be available for years to come. Strings of temporary extensions would also leave our private partners uncertain about whether they would be subject to billion-dollar lawsuits by plaintiffs’ lawyers only for doing the right thing and helping us defend the country.

I also have it on good authority that another temporary extension would make Santa cry. And then there would be no more presents for the good little boys and girls. Bastards! HOUSE DEMOCRATS WANT TO KILL SANTA CLAUS! That much is obvious.

Look, if we don’t make sure the phone company can’t get sued for breaking the law when the government told it to break the law, we no longer live in a nation of laws. And we can’t put that off for one more week.

Anyway, if you’re still alive this time Tuesday, it’ll be a goddamn miracle. That much is clear.

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2. Late Night: Guns Don’t Kill People – Tee Shirts Do!
3. Late Night: DHS’s Right-Wing Extremism Report – Second Verse, Same as the First.
4. Late Night: No Elephants, No Parade
5. Late Night: Sarah Palin–GOP WunderBoner, Cash Cow? Or Both?