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November 17, 2007

Late Night: Wingnut Crap of the Week

Posted in: Snark/Satire

barbaraImage: This woman’s right to buy a gigantic black strap-on dildo in downtown Tuscaloosa is under challenge by the Christian Right.

The NY Daily News tells us that Rudy Giuliani claims he has “200 Reasons” why he would be a better president than any Democrat:

Rudy Giuliani Friday came up with “200 reasons” why he is better than Hillary Clinton or any other Democrat – the 200 judges he would name as President.

“I’m gonna give you 200 reasons” to choose him over Sens. Clinton (D-N.Y.), Barack Obama (D-Ill.) and former Sen. John Edwards (D-N.C.), Giuliani told applauding strict constructionists from the Federalist Society.

“It’s the 200 federal judges the next President of the U.S. is likely to appoint,” Giuliani said.

The former mayor said that if Clinton won, she would name “judges who will be activist in the sense of trying to legislate social policy.”

The Federalist Society, of course, as the article notes, is an organization dedicated to the principle of “strict constructionism,” a rigorous legal doctrine of constitutional interpretation that emphasizes how women and gays don’t deserve equal rights and how you shouldn’t be able to buy dildoes in Alabama — even if you were planning to use them solely in the ways that Jesus taught His Disciples. (“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you: with plenty of lube.”) Furthermore, by a remarkable coincidence, it turns out that if you squint hard enough and bend your neck behind your calves so you’re gazing upwards and cheekwards, the Constitution says exactly what the Bush administration says it means. Also it has been discovered that the Constitution was written on Hoover Institution letterhead. Who knew.

Anyway, an FDL undercover investigation reveals that these 200 judges (who may be fewer in number than the Spartans at Thermopylae but are almost less into man-on-man sex, and not quite so upfront about it) already exist: they are part of a Conservative Clone Jurist Army currently being housed in the dank basements of the Federalist Society. Here’s one, fresh out of the box. A picture of the most distinguished Modern Conservative Legal Thinker and the model for the Clone Jurist Army is here. Shocking stuff, I know.

But back to Rudy and the Federalists (world’s least entertaining bar band — no dancing, all waterboarding):

Former Solicitor General Ted Olson, who introduced Giuliani, may have provided the gaffe of the day.

Just a week after the indictment of former Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik, Olson said Giuliani had shown “the wisdom and humility to surround himself with talented, dedicated and energetic people” as mayor.

Well, sure. But to be fair, at least you can’t accuse Bernie Kerik of not being “energetic.” And to keep on with the good news, Bernie Kerik can’t buy dildoes in Tuscaloosa right about now, either. There’s always a silver lining, you know.

(NB: as far as calls to political action go, this one is pretty awesome).


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