Late Nite FDL: Thus Begins the Tarring and Feathering of John Cole

Some of John Cole at Balloon-Juice’s former fellow travelers on the Right have taken violent exception to his decision to turn his back on the Republican Party. Let’s go now to Jules Crittenden, the Righty blogger who seems to exist just so that someone on the planet can be more viciously stupid than Dan Riehl.

Crittenen’s response to Mr. Cole’s parting of ways with the gun-humping, sheet-wearing, cousin-fucking, child stalking, crony-sucking Republican Party of 2007 was to publish Cole’s private work information and email address so that readers of Critenden’s swill can harass Cole to their hearts’ content.

Is that the only trick Rightards know? Publishing people’s personal information on line? I wonder how Crittenden would feel if we posted his personal information at Democratic Underground or in one of the darker corners of the DKos world? How do you suppose he would like to be on the receiving end of a tsunami of abusive phone calls and emails?

Here’s what he has to say for himself:

Cole invites me to keep writing “dumb things” but wants me to remove his email address and place of employment. I wasn’t aware either were big secrets, and not wanting to be an “asshole,” “prick” or “bitch” about it, I’ve done that.

Oh, Jules, you passed “asshole”, “prick”, and “bitch” a long time ago. Publishing other people’s private information on line zooms you straight into the realm of “cocksucker”, actually edging into “motherfucker” territory. Sorry to break it to you this way, but it seems that in your case, “dickhead”-ishness is a chronic and possibly terminal condition.

You poor man.

But you were saying, Sir Jules of the Beanbag Chair?

Cole, by the way, keeps suggesting I called him a lefty, and that I can’t tell the difference between a lefty and a non-Republican. In his case, I’m having an increasingly hard time, but as academics and journalists I believe it is important that we be accurate in what we write. So let me be clear:

Oh, this should be good. Let me get comfortable.

I never actually called Cole a lefty. I called his readers lefties, then pointed out that two days after denying he was a lefty, he called himself a Democrat and a member of a vast left-wing conspiracy. Which apparently is different than being a lefty. I also noted that he “seems” to have been part of all that prior to self-identifying.

This may all be a big misunderstanding on my part.

Yes, Jules, it is.

See, there’s this thing called “irony”, which is a primary ingredient for what we on Planet Earth call “satire”. Cole was making a “joke”, the humor in which stems from the fact that he abandoned the Republican Party not because he has a sudden urge to grow dreadlocks, pierce his nipples, stop bathing, and start smashing shop windows at WTO meetings. He left the Republican Party because it has ceased to stand for anything much besides unquestioning obedience to George Bush and Darth Cheney. That and the vicious persecution of anyone who refuses to fall to their knees and worship at the shrine of Right Wing authoritarianism, up to and including publishing people’s private information in public forums, which is a deeply shitty thing to do.

But see, that’s teh funny. Cole calling himself a member of the Vast Left Wing Conspiracy and “a Jane Hamsher of the Left” is an exaggeration because, oh, well, fuck it. Never mind. If you don’t get it, you never will. Why don’t you go dust your collection of Iraq War Hummel figurines and shut the fuck up, already?

Oh, and can anyone explain to me why Right Wing sites are so butt ugly? Not to mention pathetically presented, poorly laid out, painfully difficult to read, and why they take forever to load? Jesus effing Christ, you bunch of pathetic boot-lickers. It’s two thousand fucking seven. Get some goddamn design chops, okay? Your writing is already a shit sandwich. Why do you feel the need to serve it up in a puddle of tepid puke?

We know that Conservatives aren’t creative thinkers, but surely you guys can outsource to some actual creative personalities, right? You folks love outsourcing, don’t you? Free markets and all that! So get on it. I can’t keep satirizing your pathetic world view and terrifically bad writing if I go blind from trying to read the shizz.

Thank you and good night.

Related posts:

1. FDL Book Salon Welcomes David Cole, Torture Memos: Rationalizing the Unthinkable
2. Senate Debate of Health Care Bill Begins On CSPAN-2
3. And if Anyone Knows a Pile of Shit When He Sees It, It’s John Boehner
4. Late Night: Fireworks and Tea Bagging
5. Law & Order v. John Yoo