As a liberal/atheist/cynic, I always feel a little left out on Halloween. I guess that I just don’t have all that much to be scared of. Like most Americans, I suppose I do have some legitimate things to fear, like illness and undignified death from a poisoned environment and tainted food, but I could just as easily be bringing the same fate upon myself through my usual hard living. Life is sort of a preexisting condition, after all. And while I can certainly work myself into a lather about the growing police state so evident all around me; anger and outrage are quite different from fear.
But things would be different, and a lot more, well, spooky, if only the FSM had made me a Republican. Then, there would be so many horrifying monsters under the bed that I’d be squashed up against the ceiling in cold terror, wishing I could escape to go trick-or-treating, socialism or no. In no particular order, here are some of the goblins I could be all askeert over, but because I’m a sane person I’m not.
Like any good horror villain, nothing can kill these things. You see, unlike those cuddly Free Market death panelists in tasteful bespoke suits who used to decide whether I died or not, under Obamacare that role has been taken over by schlubby gummint drones who might even include those of a darker hue, a modest pension, or worse, lack a penis. It’s understandable, actually, that the same people who only care about human life when it’s a zygote or a vegetable would be worried about this, but it is an unintentionally telling fear coming from the ostensibly Heaven-bound.
After a dozen years without a crowd-pleasing remake, the old warhorse of Teh Terrists has seemed to reach its pull date, and has now been handily rolled into the more general category of icky brown people we don’t like. Thus, inchoate fears can be channeled into concrete steps to make others’ lives miserable, which is always a worthy endeavor. Like voter ID laws, Draconian laws against immigrants, English-only, and on and on, the sudden and ludicrous fear of encroaching Sharia is just the latest way to dupe old white people into supporting a party inimical to their real interests. But it dies sound frightening enough.
This is perhaps my favorite one, because it marshals nearly every right-wing bogeyman into the same haunted, uh, row house. Must be a double-wide. Here, the pointy-headed academics join with the hippies, the gummint planners, city slickers, and yes, the ever-dreaded UN (!) to force fat suburbanites to ride bikes and eat quinoa, with sprouts on top while living too close to Those People. Of course, the UN’s elsewhere uncontroversial, non- binding list of suggestions for absorbing another billion or so urban-dwelling humans on a planet that cannot sustain them is aimed primarily at the developng world, not suburban Dixie, it’s a story just too good to check, perfect for All Hallows Eve.
Back in the day, Republicans knew who was taking all their candy: shiftless bucks with their t-bones, Welfare Queens with their Cadillacs, and Union Bosses with their gold-plated contracts. Now the plunderers have had their perfidious ranks ominously swelled by a whole passel of Frenchified freeloaders, who now account for nearly half of Americans. The grabby and intimidating horde now includes teachers, fire fighters, ladies and their lady parts, the unemployed, college students, the retired, the disabled, and not a few of their own party members. All fattened up on the government teat, and sorely needing a slimdown.
No candy for you folks, and get off my lawn before I Stand My Ground And really show you what’s what. Hmmmm. Come to think of it, Halloween might be scarier for the right, but it seems a lot less fun; all things considered.
Image by Barbara McGowin in the public domain