Jesus Elvis Roosevelt Christ: 

Last week, the cover of Time magazine showed two women kissing and a headline that read: “Gay Marriage Already Won.” With the Supreme Court case on gay marriage at hand in Washington — a final decision isn’t expected until summer — many feel that the legalization of marriage for gays is inevitable.

Only the Deep South states, including Tennessee, remain opposed. In 2012, 59.4 percent of Georgia residents said they wouldn’t be in favor of legalizing gay marriage, according to a Landmark Communications/Rosetta Stone poll.

Yet even in Tennessee, where more people are opposed to gay marriage than any other state in the South — 62 percent — according to Middle Tennessee State University polling, many are reluctant to express their qualms with others.

“If you say you are not for it, [people] say you hate gays or it’s a hate crime,” said Meghann Parry, 20, a sophomore at UTC.

People say it’s a hate crime? Really? Who exactly charged you with said hate crime? Because in recent memory laws on the books made it a crime to have certain types of sex, so if these things are exactly equivalent it’s important that we be clear here.

The church has turned off way too many people with harsh words about homosexuality. A Christian should be morally opposed to homosexual acts without condemning a person, many pastors say.

“We have to be compassionate,” said Gary Jared, senior pastor at Stuart Heights Baptist Church. “The misunderstanding is that if you don’t agree with someone’s lifestyle that you hate them or are scared of them.”

Right. You should love them and not be afraid of them when you tell them you disagree with their “lifestyle.” There has to be a nicer way to tell somebody they’re going to hell. This is all just about your tone of voice.

David Fowler, president of the Family Action Council of Tennessee, said he is also finding this in the Tennessee Legislature.

“They support a view of sexual intimacy within the confines of marriage, but just like the general public from which they come, they are often intimidated and uncomfortable expressing that for fear that they will be disliked or voted out of office or called pejorative names,” Fowler said.

Or murdered. Murdered, even, for “expressing” themselves. Hanged, shot, beat to death, herded into concentration camps, hounded from jobs and housing, with no legal recourse and no appeal to public sympathy. What would THAT be like? It’s difficult to imagine. If only there was some group to which a comparison could be made. 

You know what pisses me off about these self-martyring drama whores? There are actual places in the world where Christians are in fact persecuted, where they’re verbally and physically threatened, where they’re unwelcome. That genuine persecution usually ranks lower than “people look at me funny when I talk about buttsex” on the list of stuff American Christians are concerned about. The endless confusion of “universal approval of my innermost thoughts no matter how stupid” and “tolerance” drives me up a goddamn tree. You really want Christians to be freer to express their faith? Start working in China, goddamn it.

And if you want to oppose marriage equality and dislike the “gay lifestyle” and generally act like the 1950s called and they want you to come home, you can still in fact do that all you want. You’ll just run into fewer and fewer like-minded people. It’s okay, though. There will always be groups in which you’ll find yourself welcome, no matter how small those groups are.

But you want to be at the cool party, and you’re upset that you can’t be at the cool party and still be so uncool. Well, guess what? It’s time to learn to deal. You don’t get to have everything. Welcome to the United States of the rest of us.

A.