Apparently, the number of State of the Union responses has been stretched yet again, this year to three: not only will Florida Senator Marco Rubio, Tea Party darling of the Florida right, deliver his response in both Spanish and English. (Which counts as *two* responses, in my book, however you dress it up in the same GOP container. By the way, someone IS keeping track that he says the same thing in both speeches, right? DNC Oppo Research Dept? Hello?)

But now the people who brought us Michele “Which Camera?” Bachmann (R-CrazyEyes) and Herman “NeinNeinNein” Cain will feature PaulSpawn Rand in a featurette entitled “Who’s Laughing at my Commander-in-Chief Fantasy Now, Hillary?” in which the Kentucky Senator Who Is Not Mr Elaine Chao will expand on his previously cut-short essay, **If I Was President!**

“I would have relieved you of your post!” — words that will live in infamy in the fever swamp.

All three of these SOTU response speeches are going to present viable, albeit more rightward, reasoned approaches to governing our nation. Simply another way to answer the great questions of the day, from a more conservative, contained, rational perspective. Or — there will be lots of ignorant Benghazi-Benghazi-Benghazi ranting alongside ‘evidence’ of Xtian Persecution and Oppression from both gentlemen in three languages: English, Spanish, and Earl Grey. Plus some incredibly clever Austerity Bad/MOAR Austerity! Cirque de Soleil air-tumbling borrowed from our cousins across the pond.

Here’s what we won’t hear about, and what makes me wonder: Why No Lefty SOTU Parry, Keith and Raul?

1. Assassination of American citizens: only abroad?
2. Climate Change: what four more years of can-kicking buys your grandchildren
3. Fracking: what’s wrong with radioactive tap water, folks? Pittsburgh gets by fine with it!
4. LGBT: Things the Preznit could do today, by Executive Order, with the Executive Orders piled on his desk in his Executive Order In-Box. And: are you not a friend of the Big Court, Mr Preznit, on DOMA and Prop8? Due soon! Perhaps your legal team could file a Frenemies of the Court brief that even Alito might grasp?
5. Ladeez and The Mysterious Parts: Rape & Legitimate Rape, and Sequelae Thereof
6. Budget Cut Balancing 101: Having Given Away the Program Cuts Store in Rounds One and Two, Here’s how to Make it Up
7. Why “Grand Bargain” is spelt A*u*s*t*e*r*i*t*y
8. Who are Those 8% of USAns who Don’t Support Universal Background Checks? Can we deport them instead of Piers Morgan?
9. Pot: Why Not?
10: Occupy Everywhere!

Seriously there’s lots more topics I’d like to see covered in a SOTU response as well. Bradley Manning: Hero or Patriot? DoJ Staffing Allocation: Why Assange and Not Dimon? Who’s in Prison Now: Kiriakou vs Brennan vs Rodriguez?

So few of these actual topics will be broached during any of the four center-right, right, far-right and loony-right SOTUs this week that it’s simply sad. Here are the American people, most of us way over on one side, seeking answers and solutions, bonded together in almost unanimous support for ending the War On Some People Who Use Drugs, ending the War On Some People Who Grow Drugs, and ending the Real Drug War On Our Border That’s Killed 40,000 Mexicans — as well as Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.

And way over there to our Right? All four SOTUs.

Taxing millionaires and billionaires at Ike’s marginal tax rates would be attractive to most Americans, if someone would bring it up, ever. Imprisoning bankers, fast-traders, mortgage fraudsters and Outside Traders is something we needn’t just shake our heads about on a barstool. Americans would support a politician who articulated these values. We’d cheer him or her on.

I guess I’ve answered my own question, then: why can’t we have nice things like speeches that would garner majority support from the American people in the dead of winter? Because they’d garner majority support from the American people in the dead of winter. That’s why not.

And then who would watch American Idol?

h/t Suz