This year’s Republican National Convention (the GOP-klatch) has a number of memorable high and low points to recommend it; first of all, may I point to Katrina’s Revenge again this year? Apparently there will no longer be hurricane-unaffected GOP-klatches in America’s future. And these people, who planned a national convention in hurricane season for Tampa, want America’s nuclear launch codes?
I don’t think so.
At least the former GOP governor who lured the Republicans to Tampa this month had the decency to do the only responsible thing for someone hoping to expiate such a shame. He endorsed Barack Obama for re-election:
Former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, a Republican-turned-independent, continued his political makeover Sunday by endorsing President Barack Obama’s re-election and calling him “the right leader for our times.”
This is really quite an amazing political makeover for a fellow who used to call himself a “Ronald Reagan, Jeb Bush Republican.” Charlie must have quite a large wardrobe, and a talented team, sharing that closet of his.
The GOP has a tough scheduling challenge this year. It’s hard to re-jigger a four-night speaking schedule into three nights, while featuring former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice prominently — without ever mentioning whose Secretary of State she was. And, presumably, Donald Trump will Not. Be. Overlooked. Also, the evil librul media seems determined to slide their hour of network news coverage around to avoid putting The Lady Ann Romney on the air.
I mean, let’s face it: of the last seven national republican tickets, we’re likely to see two standard bearers at most. And that’s only if Congressman Ben Quayle lets his dad show up to harsh his convention buzz.
Their election strategy seems based on this simple formula: GOP? George WHO?
When devising a drinking game, especially one encompassing multiple days and multiple speakers on the television machine, it’s important to know your goals.
First of all, podium only. If you’re gonna drink based on Rachel Maddow pronouncements, I can’t help you: the woman is a Rhodes Scholar and a bartender. Getting you drunk is her job.
I’ve established “drink” trigger words within various levels. One must know one’s limits, one’s goals, and one’s drink of choice for the event.
If your goal is to be plastered before the end of the single hour of network news coverage provided for this idiotic campaign commercial, I recommend choosing one (or more!) of the following take-a-drink words:
SANCTITY OF LIFE
AMERICA’S FIGHTING MEN AND WOMEN
DROUGHT (in the context of BARACK OBAMA, BLAME FOR)
If you’d like a nice buzz to carry you through the cable gabfests but want to be seriously shitfaced by the time the gavel bangs and Rachel turns to Melissa Harris-Perry and Chris Hayes for the nineteenth time that evening to ask, “So, Melissa, what does this convention mean for single African-American women?” I suggest choosing one of these slightly more rare words or phrases. Likely they’ll appear hourly but not often enough to send you to the ABC store before it closes of an evening:
CLIMATE CHANGE (in the context of “HOAX,” while Isaac wails outside the hall)
CONGRESS (in the context of “USEFULNESS THEREOF”)
Finally, for those of you working on your 30-day chip from the friends of Bill W., there are some safe words that ensure you’ll be as sober as a Mormon Bishop every single night. I propose you embrace these “drinking” words. You’re not likely to hear them from the podium in Tampa at all, at least not during the carefully orchestrated “no crazy uncle Ron” portion of the network news broadcast.
GEORGE W BUSH
RICHARD B “DICK” CHENEY
LGBT (except in the context of “Democrats beholden to the pedophile lobby”)
OSAMA BIN LADEN
Imbibe responsibly, if you must. Remember: empty bottles go in the green recycling bin; rolled up socks go at the TV screen. Please don’t mix these up!
Know this, though — acknowledging your problem is the first step in conquering it. A really good step in that direction might be simply turning off your television.