(photo: 401k/flickr)

Back during the Wisconsin protests, Governor Scott Walker lamented the extensive damage protesters caused to the state capitol and grounds, and in a transparent bid for manufactured outrage, “estimated” the damage at a whopping $7.5 million.  The figure was widely reported, but outside of Fox News, was just as widely disbelieved, and for good reason.  The actual cost? About $200,000.

Even this figure seems substantially padded, if not further evidence of graft and cronyism on the part of Walker’s “fiscally conservative” administration.  $43, 520 to remove “tape residue?”  That’s a heck of a lot of Goo Gone, but still a bargain, since Walker’s Department of Administration first guessed a cool $6 million.  What about $13,750 for “consultants” to assess the damage?  Who’d he hire, Halliburton?  Or more likely, Koch Industries?

Here in Portland, the efforts to discredit Occupy produced similarly inflated “damage” figures.  City officials initially estimated restoration costs at a relatively modest $85,000, but it turned out that $23,000 of that was deferred maintenance to the parks’ restrooms, and in the end minor repairs to the landscaping were almost entirely donated.  But like most such convenient untruths, it was the early, made-up figures that were remembered while the later revisions got lost in the shuffle.

But it isn’t just the physical scars of protests that are faith-based for Walker; to hear him tell it, the greatest harm was to the Baby Jesus, who evidently bears an uncanny resemblance to David Koch.  In a revoltingly self-righteous interview with Christian Broadcasting Network’s David Brody, Walker reveals that the real damage of the uprising was to the souls of the Godless commies who opposed him.  While he was selflessly trying to starve the hungry and poison the sick as Our Lord intended, the heathens out there enlisted Satan’s pilgrims to, brace yourself, make nasty comments on his children’s Facebook pages, and were even once rude to his aging mother at the grocery store.

But fear not, for he was able to endure such blood-curdling travails with a steady heart, because  (vomit warning) “…we realize that all this is just a temporary thing and God’s got a plan for us that, who knows where it might be, beyond just serving as Governor of this state, but if we stay true to that, there’s always comfort.” Whew.   I’m so relieved to hear that God still has a “Walker 2016″ sign emblazoned on the Pearly Gates, despite the recent unpleasantness.

Thankfully, the celestial inner strength isn’t all that keeps him together; besides all that Koch cash, he is further blessed with guardian angels in the form of, you guessed it, imaginary friends.  Saith Saint Walker, “Now, thankfully for every one of them, there’s ten fold people that come up to me at a factory or a farm or small business and say, hey Governor, me and my family are praying for you. That never makes the news.” For once I believe him; at least about such errant nonsense not making the news.  Even the ever-fawning Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel wouldn’t go that far out on a limb.

As for bearing false witness about that $7.5 million?  Just say a Hail Mary or two, and all is forgiven. The Lord works in mysterious ways, especially since Citizens United.