(A copy of the letter below was provided by a senior North Pole official, who requested anonymity out of fear of retaliation. Not retaliation from Santa, mind you, but from Mitch McConnell.)
We in the GOP Congressional leadership are concerned about the growing dependence in our nation on handouts, and the increasing expectation that you can get something for nothing. The latter is of particular concern when it comes to children, who are learning the dangerous lesson in far too many places that you can get things for free, just by asking, and that people ought to care for the less fortunate, just because they are allegedly less fortunate.
We are concerned, because everyone knows that the poor are poor because they are lazy, and only the pain of hunger will drive them to make better financial choices and push them into finding a real job. Handouts create dependence, and this insidious poison will kill our great nation if it is not stopped.
Just look around, Santa. Homeowners with big mortgages shout for breaks from banks, students demand loan forgiveness, dirty hippies in their drum circles want to camp for free in public parks, and liberals want wealthy people to pay more taxes.
We have become a nation addicted to handouts, and it must stop.
We know you mean well, but your insistence on providing free gifts to children must come to an end if we are to save our country. Therefore, buried in the text of the recent budget compromise we have worked out with the White House on extending the payroll tax credit, funding the government through September 2012, and forcing a decision in 60 days on the Keystone XL pipeline project, we inserted language prohibiting your entry into the United States unless and until these conditions are met:
(1) You must provide documentation that only the truly deserving get free gifts this year. The Secret Santa stuff in KC where gifts are given just because the recipients are allegedly “needy” must stop.
(2) You agree that the total value of gifts you provide this year may not exceed the value you provided last year.
(3) You agree that the value of gifts you provide in 2012 shall be capped at 75% of the 2010 baseline, the 2013 gifts shall be capped at 50%, and the 2014 gifts shall be capped at 25%.
(4) You agree that by 2015 your entire operation shall be converted away from a redistribution of wealth program of free gifts into a market-based service.
Note that none of the provisions above applies to gifts provided to members of Congress, as we members of Congress work hard and everything we are given by lobbyists, trade associations, wealthy donors, and you do not qualify as “free”. We provide services in exchange for these so-called “gifts” and don’t let anyone ever tell you different.
We write this letter with heavy hearts, knowing the this kind of change to your operations at the North Pole will not be easy. Still, we are willing to provide generous tax breaks, should you decide to relocate your facility to the United States. Of course, you would not be allowed to bring your elves with you because of immigration rules, but we are sure you can find more than enough able-bodied people to take their places.
The GOP Leadership of the United States Congress