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The Comfort of Old Friends
Last week I spent four days in Grand Rapids, Michigan, visiting longtime friends Bill and Marilyn, and touring the city to see the huge and wonderful city-wide exhibition of contemporary art known as ArtPrize. On Sunday, by happy coincidence, I was able to see Barbara, a former regular FDL commenter from Minnesota and a “virtual” friend – in person. And then a few days ago I met Carole, a friend and former colleague whom I haven’t seen since I retired more than a year ago, for a glass of wine and lots of catching up on each others’ lives. The convergence of these events brought home to me how enriching and satisfying friendships can be, and how these friendships often persist and grow despite time or distance.
My family met Bill and Marilyn when we were transferred to Grand Rapids and were looking for an optimal location for our two children to continue their competitive swimming and attend excellent schools. I wrote Marilyn a brief note introducing myself and explaining that we were being transferred, and almost by return mail (in the 70s we didn’t have email) we received a multiple page handwritten letter extolling the virtues of life in East Grand Rapids, its great schools, its champion swim teams and excellent coaches, the pleasant and pretty community. With that glowing description in hand, we couldn’t look anywhere else. We found a house and spent a wonderful eight years that permanently shaped our lives and the lives of our two children. Although she was born in the Detroit area and was 11 when we moved there, my daughter calls East Grand Rapids her hometown.
The children studied, and swam, and graduated and went off to college. My husband and I were transferred again in the mid 80s, we later divorced, and for many years contacts with Bill and Marilyn were only annual Christmas cards. We lived too far apart to visit easily, but we never lost touch, and when a career move in 2003 put me within two hours of Grand Rapids, we began to exchange visits a couple of times a year. These comfortable old friends – now in their 80s – are back in my life! The four-day visit was not customary for us – usually it’s only an overnight – but it felt like going home to a city and friends I left 25 years ago and still love.
My second experience coincided with the first. Southern Dragon said recently that the regulars at EarIy Morning Swim are like old friends who congregate each morning over coffee in the biggest booth at the local diner, and it’s an apt description. Often we become virtual friends here in the comments. Barbara and her “Mr. G.” had decided to return from a family wedding in Chicago to their home in Minnesota by way of Michigan’s scenic Upper Peninsula. Not knowing I’d be in Grand Rapids, she asked if we could arrange to meet, since my northwest Indiana home isn’t far from their planned route from Chicago to west Michigan. We arranged to carve out a couple of hours together in Grand Rapids, and our virtual friendship became a real one!
To top off this week’s friendship circle, I reconnected with a friend and former work colleague over appetizers on Wednesday. We’ve been friends for a few years, meeting occasionally after work at a local restaurant, but we hadn’t met or spoken since I retired. We picked up right where we’d left off more than a year ago.
Let’s talk this morning about old friends and new, real and virtual. Pull up a chair…
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So glad to hear about Barbara…wish she would check back in. Im glad you had such a good trip.
I think Barbara lurks sometimes, and even comments occasionally. I sent her an email and maybe she’ll look in this morning!
Good morning, RevBev!
EDIT: and the trip was wonderful, both the visit to Grand Rapids and the huge ArtPrize.
Big coverage on NPR re. Wall Street…focus on long-time influence of Wall Street….resistance growing.
Have you gone to the Occupy demonstrations? You’re in Texas, correct?
Yes. No, I have not shown up…Im still a working girl, so time is a factor.
I think if there were one here, I’d at least order pizza for them or something, but I haven’t seen evidence of one yet. There have been demonstration in Indianapolis where my kids and grandkids live.
While living in Grand Rapids did you ever go to Grand Haven for the U. S. Coast Guard Festival and big fireworks show?
Hi Mike. We went to Grand Haven occasionally but I don’t remember that event. Remember, this was back in the late 70s and early 80s. Did they have it then or is it more recent? My (now ex) husband was in the Coast Guard so I can’t imagine we wouldn’t have gone. Since he retired he’s become active in some Coast Guard thing for old coots. LOL.
Actually I didn’t mean to be derogatory (he’s an old coot but so am I). It’s for former Coast Guard people, US Coast Guard Auxiliary, not necessarily old ones.
Did (or do) you live in Grand Haven or west Michigan?
I think the pups must be sleeping in this morning! Where is everyone?
I had a weird experience last week. A long time friend suddenly and unilaterally apparently decided that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I miss her dearly but I’ve been placed in the impossible position of trying to salvage a relationship while not knowing why she did what she did or why she feels how she feels. I can’t think of anything I’ve done wrong but rather than causing endless stress fretting about something over which I have no control, I’ve decided to regretfully let her go. I’ve never been one to impose myself where I’m not welcome and trust me, I have strangers standing in line to treat me like crap, I don’t need it from friends. I’ve never had this happen to me before and I’m seriously hurt by it but if it’s a choice of remaining emotionally vested and involved in this friendship or saving myself some long term pain by letting go, I’ll choose the latter. I thought about sending her an email asking WTF but in the end, I decided that even that would probably be unwelcome. Goodbye my friend. I cried a bit but now I have no more energy or emotion to spare for random acts of unfriendship. I can crash any given white bread country club party and receive such treatment, why compound it by exposing myself to get it from somebody I still care deeply about?
Good morning.
Good Morning msmolly,
Beautiful sentiments about the importance of friends. Thanks for taking the reins this morning. Nice work.
That’s very sad, Margaret. How did she let you know? Obviously you didn’t have an opportunity to ask about it.
I have an old friend of 25 years who has cut me off without explanation, also. No overt signs, just a total absence of contact. I am also hurt, but a little bit angry, too.
Thanks, nonquixote! When I was asked to fill in, my first reaction was, “Sure, but OMG what will I write about?” The convergence of friends in my life seemed a natural extension of the week.
I’m sure we all have old friends in our lives that we may not see often but are still friends. And of course some who have fallen away.
The Coast Guard Festival http://coastguardfest.org/ began as a picnic in the 20s but then turned into a full blown event during WWII after the Escanaba was sunk in the North Atlantic. My Dad was Co-Chairman from about 1944 until the early 80s. It grew into a huge multi-day festival mainly because of a friendship between a young congressman wannabe from Grand Rapids and my dad who ran the 1948 election campaign in Ottawa County for this wannabe. The wannabe was Gerald R. Ford. Whatever my dad wanted, such as Thunderbirds or Blue Angels for the air show he got ‘em through Ford’s influence. Just before my dad passed I visited him and he was able to smile and point to a letter on the wall just over his headboard. It was a handwritten get-well note from President Ford. This was in the late nineties.
I’m from Spring Lake but now living over the Mackinaw Bridge in Yooper Land a few blocks from MTU.
What a wonderful memory of your dad, Mike. I Googled the festival and learned that it is very old. I cannot imagine that we didn’t go, but I sure don’t recall it. I’m going to drop my ex an email and ask him.
While I was in GR I went to the Gerald Ford Museum — it had a lot of art exhibits. And a wonderful sculpture that I don’t think was at the museum (this art was all over the city) was a life-size resin sculpture of a younger Gerald Ford, smoking a pipe and looking at a bust of himself, much older and with a rather strange expression. President Gerald Ford Visits ArtPrize.
Between her last text message telling me how she was divested of feelings for me and the silent treatment I’ve gotten all week long, it wasn’t hard to figure out. But things have been weird for several months. Do you know, I think that she’s been trying to provoke some kind of confrontation/showdown for a long time but I won’t be maneuvered into being complicit in destroying something that I cherish. I’m guilt free though. There’s nothing that I have done or could have possibly done to earn this or to initiate it. I have my theories as to why but I won’t speculate about it here. But my fault, her fault or nobody’s fault, there comes a time when you have to decide to either stay emotionally involved or just say screw it. Again, who needs the stress?
Agreed, Peggy. This friend of mine was once my boss, but we became friends over many years, and after I had moved on in my career, we had a brief relationship (we never crossed that line while he was my boss). That ended, but we remained friends, and he called every couple of months to chat. But the calls stopped more than a year ago, and he hasn’t called since and has not replied to (for example) a Happy Birthday on his Facebook wall. So be it. Yes, it hurts a bit and also makes me a little bit angry. But like you, I’m just moving on.
I have never had nor coveted a large group of friends, nor have I been all that “hurt,” or “disappointed,” when a friend moves on, either physically, emotionally or otherwise.
I treasure my current acquaintances, and current friends and current colleagues and current contacts. What will be with others is what it is, and is often entirely out of our control, and more than often presents opportunities to move on and to grow ourselves with what we have been fortunate enough to take away, keep or cherish from that particular personal experience.
There are special people in my history that would be great to re-connect with, I am sure, but the joy of saying hello to a stranger, challenging a person to lift their head to make eye contact, chancing a new connection, a new friend, a new POV, is where I find exceeding joy and solace.
I don’t have a large group of friends either, although I make friends easily. Most of my very longtime friends I haven’t seen for many years. We exchange Christmas cards, but even those have dropped off. There are a few people in my life that go back a long ways, but most of my friends are fairly current. I’ve moved around quite a bit, so there are always new friends to make.
What is sorta striking here is the way we’ve made friends in the comments. I read other blogs but don’t read the comment threads much. They don’t have that sense of “community” we seem to have at FDL. Some find that “clubby” though, so it has its negative side.
Only for you, Molly….only for you! :D
Be careful what you ask for, girl! Hullo!!
Well this one was never my boss and there was never going to be any more intimate relationship going on but she was in the top five of best friends I’d ever had, or so I thought. Sucks rotten tomatoes but what can you do? The way I see it, remain attached, hopelessly trying to salvage something the other party obviously doesn’t really want salvaged or just move on. Maybe someday she’ll decide that she still wants to be friends or maybe it’s done for good but either way it’s not in my power to change her mind.
mikesacola@ #7
hi! my folks were from grand rapids; we’d go to grand haven oval every summer. and i saw the musical fountain show many times; it was great!
later years, stayed at the bil mar on the beach. my cousin had built a plywood hydroplane and we ran that on spring lale one afternoon. othe fastest boats i’ve ever driven.
wonderful times
karen
So glad you stopped by. We’ve missed you, girl. I hope RevBev is still here. It’s been pretty quiet this morning. The “regulars” must be sleeping in…
And I assume you got home OK. Still want to know how the rest of the trip went. When you have time, of course.
Lucky for you I’m irregular…..
Often we have a pretty active comment thread at PUAC, but it’s very quiet. I am going to have to get on with my morning pretty soon, too. Sunny here but VERY windy and cool. I have to get groceries and stop by the Farmer’s Market for some eggs. And I have to paint the woodpecker holes I patched a couple of days ago, but I sorta hate to get up on the ladder in the wind.
Making Connections,
I am off to try to organize for an idea I had, on short notice, a group of, “merry pranksters,” to emerge from the crowd with anti local repug legislator signs and surround and march along with these state politicians as they attempt to wave to the crowds in a big harvest festival parade.
Who might I depend on for support? Friends, acquaintances, strangers? I have all of these on a list of people affected by removal of collective bargaining and voter suppression, and cuts to the disadvantaged and cuts to public education.
A great day and new friendships await.
I hafta go run errands. Life goes on, right? Besides, the new Elder Scrolls game comes out in less than a month and now that I am employed, I can pre-purchase it and then play it entirely guilt free. Have a wonderful day and good friends to you all.
Two things I learned on our odyssey from MN to Chicago, western MI, the UP, Wisconsin and home again, home again.
(1) One week is not enough time when three of those days are taken up with a family wedding. Nice wedding with all the quirky folks mixed in among the more staid. barbara doesn’t drink enough to be a party animal, however. Western MI is lovely….all the way up Lake MI to Petoskey (with a side trip to Grand Rapids to catch Ms. Molly). Over The Bridge to the UP. Gorgeous fall colors everywhere. Breathtaking, really. Bottom line: the hitherto unexplored Michigan deserves time and attention. I’d like to go back.
(2) Friends, virtual and otherwise. It was a total kick to meet Molly, face to face. Cell phones are a godsend when MI newbies are trying to find their way around! Molly and I have expanded our FDL acquaintance into an FB friendship over time. I think Mr. G. was a bit puzzled about why it was so important to me to make this real connection, but he’s an ever and always good sport.
There are people here at FDL (or were — I don’t lurk often) about whom I had a sense of community and yeah, friendship. Amazing how that happens, really. I suppose the heat of politics opens up possibilities for candor that might not otherwise emerge. Not always a good thing, but a thing nevertheless. Some of them fiercely outspoken, but never any doubt where they come down on issues political and personal. And so many really smart, well-informed people here.
Clubby? Oh, that’s a kind of newbie whine, I’d guess. It’s hard to come to a party that’s been going on for years and immediately fit in. Give it time, folks. Give it time.
Blah, blah, blah.
That sounds rewarding and FUN!! I forget, where are you? Are you having #OccupyWallStreet protests where you are?
And you really hit the run of great weather, too!
I wish we’d been able to spend more time together. Your Mr. G seems like someone I’d like to get to know better too.
It was funny talking on our cell phones from 100 yards apart, saying “Where are you?”
The oval would be so packed, all summer, cars and people, that many of us local yokals would go to the North Shore County Beach Park across the lighthouse channel from the oval.
Mr. G. is a keeper. Obviously, anyone who puts up with me is pretty amazing. :D Fabulous weather held out until the last few hours of our whole trip when we drove into wind, torrents of rain and hail — hail in October!!
Time to get on with the daily grind. Heading to Garrison Keillor show tonight. Always a good time!
Cheers!
West Michigan is some of the most beautiful country in the US, I think. I used to work part time (and attend classes) at Aquinas College, and sometimes I’d play hooky and drive 45 minutes to Saugatuck or Grand Haven and just sit on the beach.
Yeah, I’m out too, Barbara! There’s a bread at the local bakery called “miche” that I want to try. Supposed to be similar to sourdough and more sour than their regular sourdough. You have to reserve it ahead or it’s gone, and I have some waiting.
See you all later, pups.
mikesacola @ #34
the crowd and cars circling was the entertainment! also perch fishing from the pier — lotta fish fries summer eves.
re grapids: family joke was that dad coulda been president ’cause he dated betty. ;o) lol
karen
Ooh! That sound similar to Salt Rising Bread (sourdough consistency but a sharp taste – makes wonderful toast and is also quite good with country ham for sandwiches)
I can’t wait to try it. It was described as a huge loaf that they usually sell in quarters. I was complaining (gently) that their sourdough isn’t sour enough. My sister lives in the San Francisco area and when I visit I gorge on their sourdough, which is often quite sharp tasting. The bakery folks suggested I try the miche — apparently it’s made with two starters, a day apart, and comes in these enormous loaves.
morning, dakine,
welcome to grand rapids thread — that and fdl qualify as “the world’s largest small town.” ;o)
now i’m tuning in to my faves on npr: cartalk and wait, wait.
good to see your fonts
^..^
When I was about 5 years of age my grandfather, who I lived with, bought a used bike for me. My best friend’s family was poorer than we were. He did not have a bike. That summer I learned to ride and enjoy the freedom the bike afforded me. I was blissfully ignorant of my friends feelings. Luckily, my grandfather was not. He suggested, well, told me to teach my friend to ride and to share my bike. I did so reluctantly.
Two years ago, two friends approaching their damn dotage, rode together on RAGBRAI. On the last day we stopped along the way and drank a beer to my grandfather.
Good, if not late, Morning, MsMolly
Oops, I did sleep in. Nice cool nights and morning here, so that may be a factor. I did not know you were hosting this morning. You should have said something.
Nevertheless, thanks for the thoughts about friendship. T’was happy to see Barbara’s comments. We used to chat alot and I’ve missed her. Sounds like she’s doing well. A new chapter in her life. Nice to hear.
I’m sorry I missed Margaret as well, as I wanted to say hi. And, had a question for her.
Oh well. There’s always a new day tomorrow.
Was just thinking about the thought that it get’s “clubby” here sometimes.
Nobody decided to make this happen, the friendships that have evolved. It was kind of a random permutation. (Where’s Peg when I need help with the language?) People just started gravitating to certain threads and towards certain other commenters. For me, it took a long time, reading a lot of commenters and sort of deciding who I liked and who I thought I might stay away from.
But, I’ve made several New Friends recently, Om Ali, Popeye and Nonquioxte. And Newcarguy too. Om jumped right in with her cheerful and knowledgeable self and we just sort of hit it off. She gets along with everyone and has gravitated towards several outspoken people as well. Popeye and Non, who have said they’re rather shy have both become regulars and have posted diaries and are involved in their cities’ Occupy movements.
What did that take? Just their gentle hearts wanting to, I think.
There are several huge spirits here who always extend the warm hand of friendship to Newbies.
So, just saying there are no excuses and No Whining at the Lake.
You’ve got to go where you want to go, do what you want to do. :)
And, in case our dear friend Ruth Calvo reads this…I miss you, but hope you are having a wonderful trip and look forward to chatting upon your return.
Msmolly, I’m so disappointed that I missed PUAC this morning. I had no idea you were hosting. I have signed on a couple of times this morning to comment but kept getting called away before I could read and comment.
I love the new Profile photo. It this you or a family member as a child? It is angelic and otherworldly and I find myself drawn to look at it again and again.
The photo of the “friends” curled up together is perfect for the subject of the post. Are they yours? And speaking of photos, would you please post the one of the grandchildren in their Little House costumes? I truly would love to see it.
Your visits with your old friends and virtual friend were so nice to read about. It takes love and effort to remain close, and you have supplied both in your relationships, it is so evident. Your friends are fortunate to have you.
I’d better go, I’m making a French Canadian tourtiere this afternoon and it is a long process (at least for me, because I don’t do it as often as I used to do). It is a traditional Christmas Eve dish, often served after midnight mass. I used to make about a half-dozen at a time on Canadian Thanksgiving. We would have one for dinner that night and I’d freeze the others to enjoy throughout the holidays. I’m a week late, and only going to make one this year, but maybe I’ll tackle a few more in the weeks to come.
I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Thank you again for the lovely break.
With love,
ohmmm
Hey, I am sorry I missed you in “real” time, but so glad you showed up. Hope it happens more often. I enjoyed your comments and how you were settling in in a new space. Cheers and welcome….come again.
I love that story, oldgold. What a wise grandfather, and I know he would have smiled to know that the two friends are still riding together, and remembering him.
It makes me smile to think about it, too.