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Beck went to Israel and Jerusalem last week. He warned his listeners on Monday that he thinks disaster is imminent for Israel, because of a “two state solution that cuts off Jerusalem” from the world.
“God is involved in man’s affairs, but so is the force of darkness,” Beck continued ominously. “I believe I’ve been asked to stand in Jerusalem. Many in the history of man have had the opportunity to stand with the Jewish people…and they have failed.” He asked listeners to “stand with me, in Jerusalem” in August.
Beck candidly admitted that he didn’t know how many people would show up, or how much the event would cost. But he called the rally a “life altering event” and warned that the “very gates of hell” would fight his attempts to hold the rally.
First of all, it’s a lot of pressure to put on Israel, to give meaning to Glenn Beck’s life. I sort of feel like ordinary Israelis have it rough enough, without this nutmeat descending thither and bringing his be-visored hordes of pasty followers to put out their cigarettes in ancient ruins and ask how much everything is in dollars. It seems kind of unfair.
Second, if I’m the devil, I’m really, really annoyed by this, right? I’m the Prince of Darkness, and I’m over there in my — wait, my Catholicism’s failing me, does the devil have, like, a house? A castle? What? Anyway, I’m in my house, bitching about how Twilight and True Blood are just harshing my street cred, and a minion comes in with the news that Glenn Beck has now declared that I will oppose him.
Which is inconvenient, because now everybody else in the hell dimension thinks I hang out with Glenn Beck. And I have to go update my Facebook status and send out e-mails and reassure God, because he’s a teenage girl sometimes, that he’s really the one I want to oppose for all eternity, and it is not in the slightest how I wanted to spend my Monday night. I had a fresh box of frogs delivered, and Loki and I were going to try loading them into his potato gun and go have some fun at PETA headquarters. But no, now I gotta do this.
I don’t even know who this guy IS, I mean, every time the phone rings it’s some Republican dillweed wanting to get on my fight schedule, but he’s promised them the gates of hell and all I’m saying is it might be nice if some of them would call first before they start slapping posters up, because I have a reputation to uphold, and between this and that sparkly little vampire jerk, I am not having a very good year. Somebody get me a dry martini and a colony of baby harp seals, okay? Daddy needs some target practice.
A.
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A pit?
Just waiting for May 21st to come and go….ho hum.
One of your best, Allison. Poor Devil. Can you imagine being bothered by Beck constantly?
Yep. Isaiah.
Allison!
I think Glenn is already very familiar with the Dark Lord, who is currently regretting the deal they made.
Really. Should clear up traffic in town here considerably.
Isn’t Glenn the scumbag who accused George Soros (Jewish) of happily aiding and abetting the Nazis as a child? And he’s heading to Jerusalem? Sad individual, man.
Lake of Fire. Great picnic spot.
I’ve never been to Israel. Are they fond of teatards? I’ll bet they won;t be when they figure out that all they care about is the destruction of Israel for purposes of the Rapture.
Also great for grilling wienies and toasting marshmallows.
You may be thinking of the Angel Moroni, but I’ll bet you’re right about the buyer’s remorse either way.
I always heard “pits’ of Hell” so I just assumed that the Devil must live in one of them, presumably the largest and most sumptuous pit. The one sulfur spring jacuzzi.
Where do the teabaggers stand on giving Israel tons of money? You can probably measure their popularity by that alone.
I think it depends. Many in the Israeli rightwing regard them as useful idiots, but I suspect that most of the more religious Orthodox would regard them as meshuga and a major annoyance.
And in the evenings, he goes down to Dante’s Inferno Room for martinis.
I’m thinking of the angel Boney Maroney.
Would that Beck and others would go with it.
Or sits for Hieronymus Bosch.
This is the Phony Moroni, the one who separates overzealous underwear buyers from their hard-earned cash.
I heard the devil lived in Georgia…looking for souls to steal.
Hey, if Cesaire Borgia can sit for Jesus…
Great read Mz. Allison, it will keep me laughing n smiley for a while. Love yer snark!
Nah, he just goes down there from time to time.
Yeah, him n Charlie Daniels both.
Although since Daniels went fundie crazy long ago it’s hard to tell them apart anymore. Man THAT was a sad waste of musical talent.
and the big cheese is also busy with other things.
geesh, that Beck, always taking up other people/things’ time.
Tenth Circle Added To Rapidly Growing Hell
http://www.theonion.com/articles/tenth-circle-added-to-rapidly-growing-hell,507/
not to mention you know the big cheese doesn’t actually go do any of these things. it’s always the minions. he always sends the ones who have disappointed him lately. and let me tell, the dude has a serious attitude problem. anger management issue. and serious control issues. talk about power trip. but I digress.
if I was a minion I would be POed. I mean it’s not like Beck even makes sense. even if I go down/up to meet Beck as my dark lord commanded, what the heckfi should I do when he pulls out his chalk board? and you know all the “good” minions are probably laughing while I have to sit and listen to utter nonsense WITHOUT END, while Beck connects me with … I dunno, Hitler. or Stalin. or with Beck, it could be Regan … somehow.
it’s not fair. the other minions are partying and roasting man flesh while I have to listen to this loser drone on about his “ideas”. I miss the days where these stray losers weren’t released onto the world by the dark lord. back in the day … we used to have real good times hunting down the righteous. now it’s usually some failed hell spawn who couldn’t make the cut, ie. Beck, banksters, politicians, and all the monied men. and they don’t even taste good as man flesh. it’s like eating one of my own. and I didn’t sign up for that. I’m not a cannibal. even I have standards.
I bet the big cheese is having a laugh at my expense. maybe it and the other minions already have a pool running on how long I can listen to this nonsense before I lose it. well laugh it turds, many more like Beck around. and sooner or later one of you will have to deal with his ilk.
Do you suppose Beck might start liking Obummer now…?
*gah*
no way.
they got Daniels too? what the bloody hell do they put in the water down there? besides the hormones, jet fuel components, and corporate waste. oh wait, that’s everywhere.
Charlie Daniels was mistaken. That was Saxby Chambliss.
Doesn’t Israel have enough problems without letting this rabble rousing lunatic into the country?
He might fizzle like a wet sparkler, or he could really piss some people off.
And God knows there aren’t enough pissed off people in the ME already.
Daniels never released the sequel, “The Devil Slandered Max Cleland.”
That’s because he got all wingnutty.
bwahahaha~
hey, they say the devil is a handsome man, so does that mean all ugly people are OK?
I’ve been thinking for a while I could make a Apocalypse hoax; you know, ancient Greek discovered in the Rocky Mountains…
The possibilities are endless…
for some reason, and no offense to those who live there, I read apocalypse as appalachia…I’m so confused.
Given the gullibility of these folks, you could become a millionaire off it.
Right. I could make 2 scrolls. One in Yiddish, one in Koine.
Colorado Springs fundies could prove quite the rubes with the proper text in both languages such as:
Ought to do it.
Somehow it never quite surprises me to learn that a country singer has gone full bore wingnut.
Yeah, but Yiddish…oh, never mind, the wingnuts won’t.
I guess Beck had to go to Israel as Hucksterbee beat out Beck for this coveted job (Crikey.Com.Au, May 12, 2011)?:
“Learn Our History: The Reagan Revolution“
I see that Rahm Emanuel has been sworn in as mayor of Chicago. What a bunch of fucking retreads.
Yiddish is properly written in Hebraic script actually, even though it sounds Germanic.
Would totally pass winguttia.
It’s like “Schoolhouse Rock” for wingnuts.
Being sick won’t help, they’ve already made copies.
It could even be in Latin, for that matter, look at that whole ‘E Plurbis Unum’ thingy they’ve never quite grasped…! ;-)
Well, I’ve been waiting to say this a long time: I have to go to bed because I have to work tomorrow. Oya!
*gah* Interesting I have to read Australian press to find out what the Hucksterbee is up to. This sounds familiar but I hope they avoid full onset of budget kabuki due to fraud and theft by insiders.
G’niters, Margaret, and again, congratulations!
“Celebration” – Kool & The Gang
The irony is just astonishing. Most of these boneheads consider themselves Libertarians but that’s just become a wholly owned subsidiary of the GOP.
Good night, and have fun at work.
Night night, my friend! I am so, so happy for you! You made my day today. You really did.
This has been a long hard road for you, and I just couldn’t be happier that you have emerged vindicated, strong, and as masterful as the day I met you six years ago.
Toast! To Peg!
*clink*
Congrats on the job, Peg…! *g*
Hallelujah! Sleep well.
Great news Margaret .. and one hilarious article AH .. laugh-out-loud funny … 8 years an altar boy worth of belly-laughs … /g
This was very funny A. Well done.
And if Beck thinks the ‘gates of hell’ are holding him back from going to Jerusalem, then HE must already BE in hell. Tryin to get out.
The truth does slip sometimes like a broken clock from the beckster, even tho it’s surely not intended!
Think I will toddle off as well. Take care all.
good on you for the job Margaret! Glad to hear it!
I’m going to turn in as well, even though I don’t have to work tomorrow. Be excellent to each other!
I’m behind you … G’nite DrDick.
Aloha, Sleepers…! ;-)
Gag me with a spoon! Yikes! Frightening!
Anyway, aloha from Makiki.
Aloha, jimbo…! How’s Oahu this evening…? Hilo town was gorgeous all day long…!
Aw, missed Margaret, didn’t I. I was going to ask her why the heck she was still up! (Already passed her my congrats after her announcement earlier today).
Well, it was a good day.
And a full moon, too. Didn’t notice til a woman walking out of the supermarket ahead of me remarked on it. Quite pretty; not quite dark yet, the moon rising, looking large just above the trees. A good start for a new job.
Just to interject – most people know another version of “Sleepers, Awake” as a Bach chorale.
But here is where the Bach “Sleepers Awake” really comes from…
Whaaat! I missed this — do tell!
Oh, and Alison – I was listening to Glenn Beck’s little rant via Maddow as your post opened on my screen. You nailed him.
A strange, becoming stranger, little man. Poor Israel, they are swarmed with crazy American fundies as nutty as he is, though few have his loudspeaker.
Yeah, I got his last album I’d ever buy in ’76 I think. It was around then he was born again. What a waste. I still have ‘Birmingham Blues’ ehco in my head at times, but as a protest I will not listen to him.
Oh, heck, Kelly – I don’t read German. Beyond “kantat” must mean cantata – translation, please?
Very nice music. Not sure I knew it; thanks.
Yer scary when yer this good.
That’s Drifty n DarkBlack good.
The SCARIEST part is, I bet you or someone COULD pull this off.
There’s easy money to be made here.
Hey Rube! (channels HST)
Actually, southern rocker.
Not country sanger.
Or did you mean Max Cleland?
‘-)
Right – It’s Bach BWV 140, Cantata “Sleepers, Awake!” based on Matthew 25:1–13.
Wachet Auf means Wake Up.
Well, CE, since no one has answered you yet, I’ll tell you – Margaret got the job this morning, and she says it’s a better one than the one she interviewed for! Called her with the offer shortly after she got home.
You can read her announcement on Blue Texan’s second thread – I forget what the subject was, it kinda got forgotten among the congratulations. *g*
NO WAY!!!!!!!!!~!
Bless ya Margatet, you are inspiration for the rest of us still seeking.
Tell the story when ya can.
Dayum this sure perked up my day!
*G*
*BIGclink*
Ah, thank you! Wachet, wake – can see the etymology there. A lovely piece. Thanks again for linking to it.
Pretty sure she has gone to bed. Needs her smarty sleep tonight.
Heh! Saving the klezmer music for the 21st and later! Should be a hoot!
Hey tejan,
Great news! I’ve been absent here mostly because I just can’t stay up this late anymore. Thank you for the news of Margaret and I wish her so very well1
Thanks T, I’ll go read all about it.
WHat great, uplifting good god damned time it happened news.
Isn’t it? Nobody deserves it more. And it does give a spark of hope to those of us who are still looking. I’ve at least managed to pick up temp assignments, but they’re still too irregular, so still looking. But optimism a bit revved up again.
I went native in tonite’s LLN…! ;-)
Milton described a burning lake. Try that part of Paradise Lost sometime, you’ll see it in your mind’s eye. Still gives me the willies.
Margaret I have been out of work for over two years. Out of unemployment for over a year. My income is $200 a month in food stamps. You just gave me a little glimmer of hope. Thank you!
I will tell Israel’s government that Glenn’s plane is carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza and they will shoot it down.