Merry Holidays! (photo: utilly via Flickr)

It’s that time of year when we check to see who has been naughty and who has been nice. Santa Congress decided that the rich have been really good this year, so it stuffed them with tax cuts gift cards. Banks and finance companies have been really good, no coal lumps or jail time from the Obama Administration, just wads of money from the government.

On the naughty list:

1. The Unemployed. Some of you get a few more weeks of unemployment benefits. The rest of you fight among yourselves for the few available jobs. Try Iowa or North Dakota, you lazy bums in Michigan and Nevada.

2. Underwater Homeowners. Why did you defraud those poor banks? No bailouts or bankruptcy cramdowns for you. Get another job and pay what you owe, you immoral jerks.

3. Teachers and Firefighters and Police: Sorry, we can’t help the States pay you so we’ll just lay off a bunch of you. Think of it as a way to tell kids you don’t care whether they are safe or educated.

4. Terrorists. We’re looking at you, all of you who want to fly home for the holidays. Or to fly anywhere any day. One of you is trying to blow up the plane, so everybody gets slapped around by TSA. There’s indefinite detention for anyone who doesn’t pass the tests only the President knows about.

5. Labor Unions. Nothing for you at all. But we expect to see you working your butts off and giving your money to re-elect anyone with a D after its name.

6. Other Members of the Democratic Base. Nothing for you, except we’re going to quit playing stupid games with our gay servicepeople, with all deliberate speed or something. After all, we need every available human to kill our enemies, whoever they might be this week.

7. Sick People. Congress and the President say that maybe in a few years you can get some insurance that will pay some part of that enormous bill. Those insurance companies have learned their lesson, and will be nice to you disease ridden humans.

8. Small Savers and Retirees. No interest income for you. The only tool Congress allows to fight unemployment is tax cuts, but you don’t have any income. So the Fed tries quantitative easing, which guarantees you won’t be getting any interest on your pathetic savings. Oh, and here’s a boulder of coal: Congress and the Administration want to cut Social Security and Medicare. Get a job, Grandpa. Move in with the kids, Grandma.

I hope all of you get rich next year. Then you can be on the nice list next year.