One of the truly awful things about the ‘save our children!‘ mantra widely heralded by Anita Bryant and echoed all the way down to the Catholic Church’s priest-molesting scandal and into the anti-gay efforts of the Proposition 8 campaign is the conflation of homosexuality with pedophilia. By morphing LGBT people into creepy predators who must ‘recruit’ new members (because we don’t reproduce) into The Gay Lifestyle, our younger selves are cut off from the chance to see, know, admire, ogle, understand and learn about LGBT role models within their own community: whether right down the street, or — nowadays — far across the country.
The transgender young man growing up in middle school right now in West Virginia doesn’t have the chance to see the mid-thirties transman CFO of a successful San Francisco non-profit who started off right where he did and now sends money back home every month to support his birth family. The freshperson-in-highschool babydyke in Kansas doesn’t have an opportunity to get hear from Hilary Rosen, successful public relations executive and Democratic politico. The fabulous sixth grade boy who loves watching America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway with his two eight-grade pals (but wonders how he’ll ever tell his FBI dad about being gay) can’t hear from Tim Gunn about Tim’s very own suicide attempt at 17.
Why?
Because parents unclear about how to help their LGBT kids deal with a hostile world full of people who just might take advantage of them have been taught one thing by the talibangelical culture warriors: older gays are out to recruit your kids. Keep your kids away from gay grown-ups if you know what’s good for them, to keep them from harm, to keep the gay out of their lives.
Well, Miss Anita Bryant Thing and Mister Tony Perkins Thing — that’s bullshit. Gays don’t molest kids — pedophiles do. You’ve sown your lies long enough in America. And we — the happily coupled, the delightedly single, the career-successful, the known, the unknown, the out-and-fabulous-in-Hollywood, the-hosting-yet-another-Project-Runway-season-with-Heidi-Klum, the married-and-raising-a-kid-in-Seattle, the non-pedophiliac — we’ve found a way to reach our younger selves. Your kids who have questions about what it’s like to be a gay grown-up?
We can tell them, right on YouTube (and, having exceeded YouTube’s 650-per-channel video limit, now on its own website) that IT GETS BETTER. I remember being a pre-teen and a teen, even in cosmopolitan New Jersey, and wondering “will this ever get better? will this awful secret ever go away? can I change? can I learn to be something else?” There was no one to answer these questions for me in the 1960s and 1970s. The only guidance I got about gay-ness was to stay away from the hobby shop in the village, because the man there ‘liked boys.’ That sounded creepy — he was a really, seriously creepy person — and I knew I didn’t want to grow up to be him! So I guess I’d have to find a way out of these feelings.
Dan Savage realized that while he was offered speaking gigs at colleges all the time, that was because college students are ‘of age’ and away from their parents’ watchful eye for the very first time. But college isn’t where the questions, and the doubt, and many of the horrible suicides are happening any more. Partly because our culture is more open about sexuality in general, partly because sex is used to sell everything nowadays, and partly because kids physically mature faster than they used to — for all these reasons, high school (and even middle school) are the battlegrounds for gay awareness, bullying of gay kids, harassment of gay kids, casual hatred and violence toward gays, and — horribly — gay suicides.
So Dan Savage wondered how he would reach these most at-risk kids. He wouldn’t get invited to their schools, he wouldn’t get invited to their church groups, he wouldn’t get invited to their Christian overnight weekends.
“Every time I heard about a gay teenager dying, I thought, ‘I wish I could have talked to that kid for five minutes, to tell him it gets better,’ ” Savage said. “I get invitations to talk at colleges all the time. But I would never get an invitation to speak at a high school. I would never get permission to talk to a gay 13-year-old boy about how great it can be to live as an openly gay adult. And then I thought, ‘Why am I waiting for permission, or an invitation, when there’s YouTube?’ ”
There it was right in front of him: the internet, the YouTube. Inspired, of course, by Harvey Milk:
“You gotta give ‘em hope,” Harvey Milk said.
And that’s how IT GETS BETTER was born.
Now, actual grown-up LGBT people can talk directly to baffled, puzzled, confused, bullied, harassed, beat-up teens. We can tell them we know something they don’t: it gets better. We can tell them about our struggles, our down moments, our difficulties with family, ‘friends’, and school. We can tell them, firsthand, that we know what they struggle with every day — and that some of us considered ending our lives too. Struggling with just what they are, we thought about what they are thinking about. But we didn’t suicide (or we got rescued).
And: it gets better. Life gets LOTS better, and here’s what it looks like when you grow up: here’s what happy, successful, adult LBGT people look like, all over the world. Look at us! It gets better!
One more cool thing about the internets!
And huge props to Dan Savage, who founded the project in response to the suicide of Billy Lucas, 15, of Greensburg, Indiana, who hanged himself September 9 ( four or five suicides ago in North America, if you’re keeping track) and all the famous, not-so-famous, infamous, and wannabe-famous people who’ve added videos to his site: California state Senator Mark Leno and lots of other LBGTs in San Francisco, Perez Hilton [ad first], Tim Gunn, Chaz Bono, this ASL gal, Stephen and Devon, the Broadway company of Chicago, this guy who came out at 13 in middle school in TEXAS, “internationally famous pundit and radio star Stephanie Miller“, members of the New York City Gay Men’s Chorus, fabulous drag queen Missy Valley Paramount, and many, many others who contributed to the project. Literally hundreds of LBGT adults have made their own messages and loaded them to the site.
Because, nowadays, when our political leaders find it entirely acceptable to invoke homophobia and old stereotypes about predation to protect our children and our military from LGBT people, and when our religious leaders invoke predation when they talk about homosexuality — and those are the messages American children hear every single day — you’ve got to give them hope.
Kids are dying. It’s got to stop. We’ve got to give them hope.



107 Comments





Support this site!
Subscribe to the newsletter
Advertise on Firedoglake
Send
us your tips
Make us your homepage
About Firedoglake
Hey Teddy how is PDX tonight??
I like the “It Gets Better” campaign. Very classy. Still waiting for the Gays Suck crowd to weigh in on it. They hate anti bullying rules in school so no doubt this will be seen as more creeping Homosexual Agenda Fascist, Communist, Islamic, Socialism.
teddy!
kids are dying and its time to stop is exactly right teddy. thank you for bringing this to our attention. how cool to use the utubes to reach out to those who need it
Teddy!
I hear what you are saying very clearly. When I was faculty sponsor for Lambda here, that was one of the major problems for the LGBT kids here in Montana – they did not know anyone who was gay or what they were supposed to be like. They felt really lost and alone.
Today was a wonderful warm, breezy day.
Although I don’t think I’m supposed to tell Outsiders that, so never mind.
It rained all day!
A-Fucking-Men! (pun intended!)
Dunno what I would have done if I’d had the netz when I was a kid. Prolly wouldn’t have spent the first thirteen years of my life thinking I was a freak and certainly wouldn’t have spent the next fifteen letting everybody else define me as one.
“Recruitin’ our young’uns into a self-destructive life of sodomy and les-beenism via the Interwebs machine!”
My friend MATT IN HIS “IT GETS BETTER” VIDEO
Kids are dying. It’s got to stop. We’ve got to give them hope.
Say it loud and say it proud!
My sweet Kelly is in a good (if raunchy) mood tonight. :)
Dan Savage makes the very valid point that we can’t reach out directly, personally, to LBGT youth — only once they’ve attained their majority. But I think he misses the point why: it’s because the fundies have poisoned the well of kindness with their talk of predation and recruitment.
This project has the potential to remove barriers, and thus save lives.
It’s very exciting that way.
Agreed…and I’m looking forward to what he brings us next.
Hey
Oh you mean that Oregon Sunshine!!!! DAMN THAT STUFF..
Outstanding point. They don’t want to raise healthy, happy people. They want to raise mindless automatons who will continue to support them and raise more miserable automatons…….
It is indeed. For kids in small towns especially, but anywhere really, this can be a real life saver.
Patrick points out, though, that lots of parental-installed filters are homophobic (and probably transphobic, but I don’t know) because they screen out sites that include — anywhere — the words GAY or HOMOSEXUAL as pornography.
So kids can’t get information about basic human sexuality, or learn to feel less like a freak. Until they go to the library and learn to cope with the small-town-library filters there….
Wow, thank you!
They want to raise mindless fearful automatons
Fixed it for you.
Hunny…
If there’s ever a time for a tribute, it’s now.
Peg is one of the most brave humans I have EVER known. I’ve never met her in person, but I know her.
When I came out in high school in the late ’70s, I was thrown out the house. And who ultimately took me in from the street after a couple months? A transgender person and a drag queen. After I had the shit beat outta me.
They were my mommas after a time. Yep, “Go to school, quit hustling, why are you being such a jerk?”
I owe my very life to both drag queen performers and transgendered people – the bravest people I know. Period.
Thank you, Kelly
Quick story about an ex coworker of mine. Jesus freak, values voter with two sons four years apart. One is gay but hates himself for it so now at 22 he’s in prison for the next twelve years for embarking on self loathing and self destructive behavior. His little brother at 18 so loathes his brother because he’s what his parents have always taught him was wrong and bad and he had of course looked up to his big brother, that he dropped out of high school and became a drug addict. Their mother literally cries and pulls her hair out wondering what went wrong because when the older boy started showing signs of being gay, she turned to James Dobson’s book for “help”. She took me out to lunch once and asked my opinion about the whole situation. Once. To this day I don’t believe she places any blame on her brutal attempts to beat the gay out of her son or for trying to pray it away or for kidnapping him from a friend’s house and forcing him to go to “ex gay” camp. Some people just will not hear the truth. I told her she may not like what I said to her but she can’t deny that her way hasn’t worked. She hasn’t spoken to me since.
i’m so glad they found you hon
I’m certain my parents would have put up all kinds of blocks but I doubt it would have been any more successful than their attempts to regulate my music or television or reading materials. ;)
I was talking to one of the students the other day who is running the Montana TDOS organization and putting on an event here on campus. She is absolutely one of the gutsiest people I have ever met. She grew up in a small town in western Montana and came here to Missoula to transition (I actually met her fairly early in that process). She is now an activist and has been putting together a directory of trans resources in Montana that she is distributing to health professionals and counselors around the state. A totally awesome person.
I didn’t know that about you. I’m glad you found some people that made you stay on school. I just found some drug addicts but I’m not envious. They taught me how to survive.
And so am I.
I am actually tearing up as I write this. I would be dead if there were no Pegs in the world.
I came across a story of a young girl in Southeastern Oklahoma who came out to her mother, looking for some support and direction, or maybe understanding. Mom decides to out her daughter while they were at church that Sunday, in front of the whole congregation–which was the whole town–and the whole world for that young girl.
They fiercely tried to “pray the gay away” and cast out those wicked demons. The young girl ran away from home, and no one knows if she is okay or not.
There’s another movement which has already jumped off from the “It Gets Better” videos. It’s called “Make It Better” and is a response from young people who aren’t willing to wait. Dan Savage has more information about it in his column this week: http://makeitbetterproject.org/
And no one will ever prosecute them for child abuse.
judas priest. good on you for telling her the truth and pointing out that her way did not work. geez, what a sad life this family has created out of hate instead of one based on love.
Here is a link to their Facebook page.
I came out to my mother and her immediate response was to bundle me off to a psychiatrist. That started my Odyssey of going from one doctor to another till we found one that subscribed to my mother’s opinion of “what was wrong with me”. They even discussed electro shock therapy with me in the room. I kid you not.
I told her, “You may not believe in what I’m telling you but you can’t deny that your way hasn’t worked out at all”. Idiot’s probably still praying.
I can actually sort of relate to that. I have Tourettes Syndrome, which first manifested at about 11. I was not properly diagnosed until I was in my 20s. I can fully relate to the horrors of medical misjudgment.
I’ve wondered about safe houses for kids like this. You remember the movement some years back to have a designated “safe house,” just a regular neighborhood house, for kids that they could run to on the way home from school if they were being followed, bullied, etc.? I keep thinking that if anyone needs someplace safe, these kids do. Breaks my heart.
No one is ever going to understand that who hasn’t been in the “Momma, I’m different, ok?” stage. Ever.
That goes for the G, L, B or fucking T of it all; and to those who haven’t been there, have compassion.
Yep, misjudgment sucks but my mom actually doctor shopped. The first three told her what she didn’t want to hear. My life would have been very different if she’d listened to them. To her credit, she came around in the end but it wasn’t until 30 years later.
That’s almost Old Testament an eye for an eye. You shocked your mom, so she shocks you right back.
That part I fortunately did not have to endure and I can only try to imagine the horror that must have been. At least my parents were generally supportive, if totally clueless and lost.
Nope. And intelligence or compassion have nothing to do with it. It’s like trying to explain color to a blind person.
There is a very moving exhibit, including a wonderful stained-glass window, at the SF LGBT Center, dedicated to the survivors of psychiatric abuse.
LMAO! Believe it or not, I never thought about it like that. Can’t believe I never put that together.
So good to provide help. And I love Margaret’s idea of ‘safe house’ in the neighborhood. No more kids with no place to turn!
I thought Chaz was quite eloquent about being in the closet for such a long time as an adult, as a transgender man. And he doesn’t talk about being Cher’s child anymore at all. Not that teens really know who Cher is, I suppose, except she does have a movie soon, or out already, I’m not even sure.
I’m off to bed folks. Tomorrow’s another day. Oyamsumi Nasai kaji koinu.
Night.
g’nite margaret
On another topic… when did SyFy become the Linda McMahon *WWE* Channel? I like my Friday night SciFi — when did it go away?
Night night, Peg – bravest person I know. Sleep well.
I would have been interested to know what Chaz’ very Republican father would have had to say. I like to think that he would have had the integrity to call out the party flacks and radioheads that are badmouthing him now.
Night Kelly. You’re making me blush!
It lifts my spirit to hear about It Gets Better. I came out at age 15 (in 1981) and got kicked out at age 19. When I didn’t crash and burn, my parents began a campaign of passive-aggressive hostility that continues to this day. I got through those times because of my brothers. There are four kids in my family…all boys…three of them gay.
A common theme I’ve seen in our stories is that we had or found somebody, maybe not the best somebody, but somebody, who helped us get through the emotionally trying times, until we were able to unlearn all the garbage that had been pumped into our minds.
The It Gets Better site is so positive because there are many many young people who don’t have somebody. I can envision the site becoming a rally point for the larger issues of equal rights.
tell me about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now it is Tuesday night with Stargate Universe and then Caprica!!!!! both are great!!
well, she’s got an election to pay for yanno….
The culture wars. Don’t we just love the culture wars?
There are just some things the wingers will never accept, gay just doesn’t fit their worldview.
well, she’s got an election to
pay forbuy yanno….Fixed it for you.
As a dad with a early teen daughter, I appreciate this discussion immensely.
I got the if I didn’t like the rules, then leave, at 18. I left. I work on listening and listening and listening to what is being said to me and what is being said behind the words. Will never make the same ultimatum I was given.
Listened to Dan Savage and Michael C. LaSala, author, in a one hour show about the, ‘It gets better,’ campaign, Tue Oct 5, on WPR. For anyone interested, host Kathleen Dunn here, show 101005D. Scroll down a bit to find the show.
I can attest that those Safe Houses did their intended job at least once. I made use of one of them when I was a youngster! Running from bullies. And the lady that lived there lit into those jerks like they had no tomorrow. It was awesome.
Thanks for your story.
I think the site also provides a wider range of available role models than people might find in their own neighborhood, or the neighborhood they land in once they’re thrown out. It strikes me that this might provide more, um, wholesome guidance than people my age got when we came out.
hee hee hee
Well, ScyFi should re-run those on Friday nights, then, as my Tuesday viewing schedule is pretty booked up, with The Good Wife. This WWE seems like it’s metastasizing across the entire network.
Well, they don’t fit my worldview — so we’re even, I guess.
Think I will toddle off. Take care all.
g’nite dr dick
Conservatism is a disease. If you don’t understand that, you’re already infected.
Driftglass
I’m hardly watching live TV at all any more. I’m streaming it from NetFlix now. As many episodes of Dr. Who, or The Universe, as I can stomach! And I can stomach BUNCHES!
Agreed we need to start in highschool.
As usual, I find myself struggling for the words to convey the experience.
Let’s pretend it’s about handed-ness – are you right handed or left handed? Do you choose that? Is it just part of you?
Now, let’s fuck all you lefties. Let’s fuck you real good. Can take your job, your house, just because you’re not right handed.
We can cure you! You can become right handed!
That’s gay life in today’s repubworld.
really what does WWF or what ever they are calling two males making believe that they are trying to actually hurt each other have anything to do with
SciFy??? I Mean WTF??
And Vitter thinks we should all wear diapers.
i can see the fiction but where the hell is the science?
I usually ask homophobes when they decided to be hetero.
da!!
Late to the thread but kudos to Teddy P for the thread and a huzzah to all the comments.
I’ve nothing to add but my unconditional support.
Best to all.
Thank you.
From what I read about kids and hear from parents, we need to start sooner than that, as much as that amazes me.
Of course, American education was ALL ABOUT changing handedness, in my own lifetime at least. I was among the first of those not changed, but that doesn’t mean Mrs Davidson wasn’t hell-bent on trying, with her damn fountain pens in third grade.
Great story Teddy. I am often interested in the bullying part of the equations. Who are they? Why do they bully? Can you stop them? If they don’t stop do they feel any consequences? Do they think that what they are doing is wrong? Are they supported by others who are fine with their bullying?
For example how would you like to have this guy as your father if you were LGBT? He is the foster parent to several kids.
On July 10th a caller, Steve in Fairfield, asked this question:
“Brian, can I marry the person I’m in love with?” Suss man responded,
NO YOU CAN’T YOU JERK! Now listen to me! No you can’t jerk! Now listen to me right now. Don’t play this game with me Steve. What if you’re in love with two people? My guess is as a homosexual man you’ve been in love with a hundred how many are you in love with right now Steve? HOW MANY!?
SIF: Here comes the name calling.
BS: Can you marry all of them Steve? No. You. Can’t. You have to marry somebody of the opposite sex they have to be over the age of 18 you cannot marry somebody of family and you can only marry one at a time. We all have the same rules and regulations Steve, that’s where it stands. You lose the argument and you’re going to lose at life my friend with that kind of an attitude because your particular kind can’t reproduce! Get him off the line.
808-5600 on K S F O.
(Audio link mp3) (Audio link Windows)
(complete call Audio link MP3) (complete transcript link)
Suss man says that gays are not equal to straights because they “can’t perform the marriage act that we call the union.” (audio links short long)
Suss man attacks gays in other areas as well. Suss man believes that “billions of dollars are wasted to fight AIDS” (audio link) .
He has 4 hours each morning on K S F O. He has a “biblical world view”
His audience reaches hundreds of thousands in the Bay Area.
This is the kind of guy who was probably a bully as a youth and grew up and embraced a faith that supported his bullying views.
BTW, I used this audio clip to cost them Beach Blanket Babylon and Project Runway.
what ya really need is an open communication system within the family. we had ‘the neutral zone’ where once those words were spoken, anything could be asked and discussed without repercussions. i started that when jen was a wee child.
There was a time when left-handed kids had their hands tied down so that they would become right handed. There was a time when pregnant ladies couldn’t continue to teach (I know, because I lied to keep my job.) There was a time when women could not keep their maiden name in their work place (I know, because my name got ripped and a new Social Security card was issued to me.) There was a time when it was illegal for blacks and whites to marry. Crap! Every step has been a fight. I’m just glad we are still fighting the bad guys. And I love that this youtube effort attempts to give LBGTQ kids a place to seek knowledge and acceptance and hope. Soldier on, as it were.
That’s a pretty cool system, Suz
But wait a minute…I thought I had a choice in the matter. :)
it really worked…. i gotta admit when jen was 15 and wanted to talk in the neutral zone and asked ‘what should a girl do if she thinks she is pregnant’ i had lotsa palpitations. but i answered the question as it should be.. which is to find out if she is because ya have to know that before ya can go further. turns out it really was a friend of jen’s, and not jen, but dayam, sure made me sweat and i had a hard time trying not to show it.
steph and i have the same deal. she’s still a little more hesitant but now that she’s an adult and out on her own, she is learning that jen was right.. you really can ask mom anything.
I never bought the “Fierce Advocate” thing. But I did think there would be a bit of at least CULTURAL understanding by this administration.
By which I mean a Bridge. Like over Troubled Waters.
EDIT: And did any of you know Aretha could actually PLAY piano, like a FIEND? Oh yeah.
I know that I’m a “hot house flower” living in the museum/arts/library world, but my work experience proves that it has been a good home for LGBT employees. We are free here to be out, and are protected by our HR people. It is important, and a good environment.
Aretha BOWS to no one. :)
This is a great post. I so admire Dan Savage and Tim Gunn. Tim’s YouTUbe made me cry.
*waves!*
I’m a hat/bow girl. I know hats. And bows. Hats and bows are friends of mine. That hat is no Jack Kennedy hat. And no Jack Kennedy bow.
Good on you Chaz!
Kids really need to hear that message today. Not a bad idea for everyone to keep that idea in mind.
Happy Birthday John Lennon. We sure could use you now.
You are Bent, son. “g”
Yeah, I know Lloyd spelled it with two “e”s, just a smidgeon of historical revision.
*g* can’t slide a thing past you…
I happen to be a historic recidivist. :)
Sorry to have arrived late and leave so soon but it’s time to tuck Bob in and read him a bedtime story.
Thanks to Teddy for this important post and thanks to Chaz and everyone fighting the good fight for justice and equality.
Peace and a pleasant evening to all.
Thanks, all.
Wow, watch this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IC-ZnayVEX0
Ignorance married to intolerance equals dysfunction. How many “examples” does man need to understand the consequences of “stupid behavior.” For those that fear god and his wrath to justify absolutist behavior in a world of “non-absolutes,” displacing “their dysfunction,” on other “human beings.” Go sit on the toilet and actually read your bible absorbing its true meaning, while purging yourself of ignorance, intolerance and dysfunction in the name of an “all loving God.”
Thanks for this Teddy.
Adolescence is difficult enough for anyone, to have to hide and fight against one’s own identity is a road too far.
So sorry I missed this post and thread last night. Thanks so much for this post, Teddy. I may have a follow up post of my own.
Wow, I can’t believe she has let herself get so fat. I can’t believe a real doctor is involved with her change if they have let her be so unhealthy. She didn’t start out that way.
It is ironic and sad that a gay kid would be better off overall by maintaining a healthy weight and risk being bullied than to not be bullied and be as big as chaz. That isn’t good for your organs or your brain.
Meanwhile in the Bronx. . .
You give away more than your lack of understanding in your post, by referring to Chaz as “she.”
You need to understand, first, that transgender people deserve to be referred to by pronouns of their ‘destination gender.’ Thus, Chaz is he, not she.
And you don’t understand anything about the effects of hormone therapy during the transition, to make a comment like that.
Finally, since when do we make comments generally about people’s weight like yours? We judge people by the content of their character. Have you anything to say about the speaker’s content, or only about his appearance?
Tremendously shallow, I’d say. You can do better.
true dat Teddy! Just show ya what they are all about, shallow, craven, lost souls!
Bless you, Teddy! Thanks for all you do.