Graphic by I Can Has Cheezburger?

Graphic by I Can Has Cheezburger?

Washington, D.C. – In a surprise press conference this afternoon, White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs announced the creation of a new regulatory agency, the Business Protection Agency, that will provide much-needed oversight of the federal government’s many abusive and out-of-control regulatory agencies.

A series of news stories this week have highlighted the business community’s growing sense of frustration with a White House and Democratic establishment which is often indifferent to their needs:

  • The Washington Post mentions that the coal industry “blamed [Rep. Nick Rahall (D-WV)] for not reining in the EPA” in its story about the Massey mine explosion’s political ramifications.
  • Reuters reports on JP Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon’s complaint that the banking industry doesn’t have enough influence, and how “there were areas where the banks lacked possibilities to demonstrate their arguments to politicians and supply them with the right facts.”
  • Politico describes the business community’s fears that Obama’s recess appointments of Craig Becker and Mark Pearce pose a mortal threat to their traditional way of life.

Faced with this level of fear and uncertainty, President Obama reacted with characteristic decisiveness, pushing his aides to work nights and weekends to quickly devise a regulatory solution that would prevent agencies from preying on defenseless corporations.

“President Obama recognizes that just because corporations cannot vote, that does not mean they should not have a voice,” said Gibbs.  “The President has a long history of commitment to the rights of the disenfranchised and the downtrodden, and he could not stand idly by while unaccountable agency barons used their power and influence to take advantage of our most vulnerable persons.  The government must speak for those who cannot speak for themselves, and stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves, especially when they don’t have mouths or feet.”

A United States Chamber Of Commerce spokesman expressed cautious optimism about the new agency: “This is a good first step towards bringing the regulators under control, but the proof is in the pudding.  Will the BPA have enough funding to be effective?  Will it have enough inspectors to police all the agencies on a regular basis?  What kind of loopholes can these agencies exploit?  What kind of enforcement mechanisms are there?  Until we know the answers to these questions, we can’t say whether this is true reform or just election-year grandstanding.”

The next step will be what is expected to be a bruising Senate approval process.  Republican leaders have already pledged to filibuster what they are calling “yet another overreaching liberal big government socialist power grab of socialism,” and Democratic caucus members Ben Nelson and Joseph Lieberman are demanding significant compromises in the new agency’s scope, as well as several submarine bases and a pony.