(photo: seng1011)

Tonight’s topic is: Not News.

Our lives are filled to the brim; we have literally hundreds if not thousands of pieces of media throw up at us every single day. We don’t have a single moment to spare to figure out what to pay attention to. It’s mind-boggling. So, here, tonight, right on our stage, Aunt Toby is going to give you The Guide to the Un-News using today’s headlines (sort of like “The Guide to the Recently Deceased” only the bodies involved probably stink more).

Very simple:  Any story with a headline that contains the words:

Boob, boob job, or breast implants. In today’s stories, we’ve got Sharon Osborne removing hers to give to Ozzie; Kate Hudson supposedly ‘premiering’ hers; Terry Hatcher exposing hers and claiming hers are still real; Amy Winehouse having been taken to the hospital because of the pain caused by hers. And so on. This is not news.

“Caul fat”. I should not have to explain this.

“(name of dead president) combined with the phrase ‘overdue library books” (I’m not making this up).

“Iceland Volcano Eruption Disrupting (making a mess of, interrupting, your choice) European travel.” This is not news. The fact that the ships of the Royal Navy have been dispatched to go pick up stuck UK travelers? THAT’s news.

“Christina Hendricks” and “name of men’s magazine” combined with ‘unrecognizable”. Not news.

“Jennifer Lopez” combined with any phrase related to ‘acting’ or “actress”. This is not news. Kosher bacon – yes. News? No.

“CitiGroup” combined with ‘billions” and “earnings”. Not news. You can also substitute any other large financial institution or insurance conglomerate and even with the permutation of adding ‘bonuses’ to this, it’s still NOT NEWS. If the headline said, “AIG gives back every dollar of taxpayer money,” THAT’s news.

“Pope” and “asleep” – yesterday, someone got pix of Bennie and the Jets fast asleep during Mass while he was in Malta. Considering some other issues where he seems to have been asleep at the switch, this is NOT NEWS.

OK – folks – everyone ready to hit their favorite media site? What ‘Not News” item struck your eye?