I hope I have never given the impression that I am a nice person. I am in fact as it emerges and happens a shadowy figure with a tantalizingly enigmatic past about whom hangs an aura of tantalizingly enigmatic mystery — and Danger! Yummy Danger! What I mean is, chicks dig me. With spades.

Or, to be more precise, Jonah Goldberg is a tool — the Ace of Shits. We’re going to read now, you and I, a Jonah Goldberg column, like a mental patient etherized upon a table, as an act of loudly demanded mercy.

As a reminder, the person responsible for the following comical snark is Jonah Fucking Goldberg.

During the 2004 Democratic convention I was on a train heading to Boston’s Fleet Center. While straining to contain my excitement over the prospect of hearing presidential nominee John Kerry’s soaring oratory (and seeing vice presidential candidate John Edwards’ hair), I was distracted by a woman standing in front of me. She was part of a big group of very excited Democrats, convinced that their man was going to lift the dark, evil cloud that hung over George Bush’s America like the shadow of Sauron over Mordor. It was, of course, not to be. It turned out that the Human Toothache and the Silky Pony were not what the American people were looking for in 2004.

Well, they actually came pretty close. But that’s neither here nor there, Mr Doughy Pantload.

Kerry did not get clobbered — he lost, but his candidacy was not a joke.

But, like, what on earth makes Jonah Goldberg confident that he is more likable, more clever, and less grating than, say, John Kerry? Or a razor blade strapped under an eyelid?

Or, in shorts, what makes Jonah Goldberg think he does not chafe?

Goldberg goes on to say that Marcy Wheeler is very excited about how Obama is handling Terror Suspects. Exactly.

Anyhow, Goldberg is a fucking idiot. Look, what really annoyed us back in the day was not so much the Patriot Act, which nobody liked, but still. The point is that nobody took to the streets over the Patriot Act. Over the war, yes.

But then, here is Goldberg:

Better to be a called a crackpot than be one, I say.

In other words, when you have a Republican president encouraging a pointlessly violent and fiscally mysterious war, cool!