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I'm sure this kewpie doll is turning some Republican on right now.
Relying on their puerile judgment, the 13 year-olds running the RNC have designed “Valentine’s Day” cards to send your loved ones from various parties from the Obama Administration and Democratic leadership. Har har har. Look at poor Ben Nelson. Nobody wants to be his valentine. Pshaw. Comedy isn’t hard.
Well, neener neener neener. Never let it be said that some of us here at FDL can’t match the Republicans step for step when it comes to juvenile humor. So in honor of this re. . . um, silly Hallmark holiday, we’ve come up with some Valentine’s Day poems from our favorite Republicans. The poems are loosely organized according to subject. Authorship is noted in parentheses.
As always, feel free to contribute your artistry in the comments!
Generic Republican greeting:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Dems want to kill Grandma
And we do too. (Eli)
From Sarah Palin to her rabid fan base:
Roses are red
Starbursts are whatever
The day I learn grammar
Will be on the never. (Eli)
My patriotic zeal and cutesy winks
Set Republican pants on fire
You’re all too stupid to know the difference
Between blatant lying and satire. (WT)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Todd sure is a hunk
I hope Piper never writes a book.
Also. (Eli)
Roses are red
Footballs are brown
I get to take the high road
‘Cuz Trig’s sydrome is Down. (Eli)
Roses are Red
Violets are teh Ghey
If you want me to Speak
Ya gotta Pay and Pay (The Voice from the Other Cubicle)
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I just look at my palm
When I need a cue. (Eli)
From Todd Palin to his fellow con artist wife:
You spawned us four good ones
My soul and status you do lift
I’m loving these silk boxers
You keep working the grift! (WT)
From Sarah to Todd:
Energy, Tax Cuts,
Lift American Spirits
Let Trigg inside (attaturk)
Republican Family Values:
Dear Darlene:
I know that I was unfaithful
And our marriage is on the skids
Can I borrow $100K
To pay off my mistress’ kids?
Love, Senator Ensign (WT)
Dear Gail,
Our union is awesome
You sure married a hunk
Now please delete pictures
Of when I showed kids my junk
Love, Scott [Brown] (attaturk)
Dear Calista,
I’m running in 2012,
So you can stop all the cooking.
I no longer need your services
I need someone better-looking.
Love, Newt (WT)
Dearest Lump,
I’m no longer in Crawford,
I’m no longer in power,
Now Beer me Lump,
Or cigs gone in an hour. (attaturk)
Dear Wendy,
Roses are red,
My love for you is hyper.
I’m sorry again about
That incident with the diaper.
Love, David [Vitter] (WT)
Dear Maria,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Enough about me,
Let’s talk about you.
How can you live without me?
Love, Mark [Sanford] (WT)
Dear Lynn,
I am pleased with my gift
A new rifle I so like
But I’ll never forgive you
For giving birth to a dyke.
Love, Dick (attaturk)
I was robbed of my beauty queen title
For my family values! It was a miscarriage.
I was smeared by the press because I said
I was in favor of opposite marriage.
Whoopsie, nipple shot!
Love, Carrie (WT)
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Standing on chair applauding!
Kudos to all the poet lariats.
Roses are red
Voters are fickle
If not for Obama
We’d be in a pickle
(and, with apologies to Robert Frost)
Whose debt this is I think I know
His ranch is now a lot, you know
Dems will all see us stopping votes
and watch C-SPAN fill up with NOs.
(from Sarah)
Roses are red
John Boehner is copper
I sure do like shooting
wolves from a chopper
From the House Republican caucus:
Roses are red
violets are blue
No matter how good the bill
We’ll vote no on that, too
Applause and kudos.
Poetry, including doggeral, is beyond my talents.
There once was a Sith from Connecticut
Betrayal, his Art, and the best at it
The Party Of No
And Olympia Snowe
Helped Padawan complete the rest of it
From John McCain:
I used to love nibbling
On your neck at the nape
Since I lost the election
It’s just been sour grapes.
Violets are blue
Alaska is cold
Hearing from Satan
You’re bought and sold
Love, Jo Fish
From Dick Cheney:
Go fuck yourself.
(from Rush to Sarah)
I love your beauty
your winks and your sass
and if we had our way
we’d wake up one day
in a country as white
as my gigantic old ass
there once was a man named cheney
arrgggg
I was never any good with that, I think some of you might do fine though
Foolish Plumber Joe
Had no meaning to life once
Now it becomes void
I think that I shall never see
A governor as wacked as she
Who quit her job so she could be
Spokeswoman for those bags of tea.
This is all….childish.
There once was an old troll named Cheney
Who worked for a guy not-so-brainy
But “Torture is Grand!”
Turned into a Brand
And now, our country is zany
Prexactly.
there once was a man named cheney
whose outlook was really quite rainy
his progeny talked
his followers balked
because they’re always complainey
…and your point is?
One for the ages, Water Tiger…! *g*
Mahalo Nui Loa…! ;-)
‘Whether in a hot-sheet motel room
or an airport bathroom stall
Republicans are always keen
The war cry? – “F*ck ‘em all!”‘
;>)
Y’all take yore lines
And bend them quite fine.
But I’ve no talent for any such thing,
Why even the shower weeps whenever I sing.
So when it comes “round” to polly-tick trix,
I’m blown all away by your witty wicked mix
Of colors and flowers and pulses that clicks,
Why, I’m just left in the woods surrounded by sticks…
Massachusetts is red
and my name is Scott Brown
I drive a gray truck
and as you can see my pubic hair is also brown
There was a young man from Kenya
Who Republicans thought woulda bean-ya.
But he turned out so mild,
Was almost a child.
When he left he said I’ll be seen-ya.
*groan* I just had to click…! D’oh…! 8-P
Dear LARD, you made Karl a FURRY?
Was your photoshop in such a hurry?
You could have had Bachmann
Screw a much finer frat-man
But hey, my vision is blurry
The once was GAL from Wassila
Diction so bad it could Kill ya
The Necons got hard
They winked off their lard
And Sarah had tea with Godzilla
FDL Poerty Slam!!!
Pat is your Lard the same Lard as Kelly’s @ 25?/s
“Childish!” intoned SAE.
“You’re not taking this stuff seriously!
Dick and Sarah aren’t zeroes,
They’re patriot heroes.
Now STFU and drink tea.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Dick Cheney’s a schmuck
And an asshole too.
Candy is dandy
when it’s in a sack
but you won’t come to Jesus
after you’ve gone to black.
All day long you’re far away
Now suddenly you’re nearer
and among the thoughts that fill my mind
…A trip to the dry cleaner’s.
;>)
W? Never heard of the man.
Someone said he was once prez of the land.
Cupid just bought a nine millimeter
with his stimulus check
this is what happens
when one watches Glenn Beck
thanx!
Roses are red
Some assholes are pink
If you doubt what I say
Just neocons think.
All Hail the Conquering Chimp!
Conqueror of Afghanistan
Conqueror of Iraq
Beloved of his people
Saviour of New Orleans
Under his rule the Rights of all Man were respected and everyone enjoyed prosperity….then the Cheeto eating bloggers came!
Does anyone wonder how it would sound if Captain Kirk read Dan Qualyle’s words as beat poetry could even us FDLers be able to which which words were Dan’s and which were Sarah’s
Sarah Palin as blank verse. Go here, type 149 in the search box, and enjoy.
Happy Birthday TCU!
A Birthday for THINGS??? Happy.
Thanks folks:)
Happy Birthday, Things. Live long and prosper.
Thanks Twain:)
Happy birthday!
I have a Republican mind
that doesn’t intend to think.
All I need is Luntz’s find
to create a political kink.
Fuck the roses.
HA!
Roses are red
Concrete is hard
Listen you punk
Get off of my yard
Happy B’day Things!