Dear denizens of the Palmetto State:

I understand you’ll interpret this latest complaint as more tedious South Carolina-bashing, but I’d wager that even your neighbors might think y’all are letting the heat get to you. It’s not enough that your Wanderlustinator (with the emphasis on “lust”) wants more authority that he can blithely shirk in order to boink his Argentine mistress or that one of your lizard-brained U.S. Senators won’t be happy until Charleston is under water. Now your legislature has created a Subversives Registry?

Terrorists who want to overthrow the United States government must now register with South Carolina’s Secretary of State and declare their intentions — or face a $25,000 fine and up to 10 years in prison.

While the intention of the law is apparently aimed at Islamic terrorists, it’s unclear in the law’s wording whether it can be applied to right-wing militias, some of whom have reputedly called for the overthrow of the US government. The law states that “fraternal” and “patriotic” groups are exempt from the law, but only if they don’t “contemplate the overthrow of the government.”

It’s one-stop shopping for terrorists in South Carolina! Get your subversive organization registered and pick up your driver’s license all in one visit.

And for those terrorists who fail to file their registration fees with the Secretary of State and face prison time, not to worry. You can always pass the years behind bars by volunteering to wash the First Lady’s filthy labrador retrievers.