Over at Human Events, a Professional Pilot for a Major Airline named Randy Plante has put together a handy cheat-sheet for what you, the ordinary American, can and should do in the extremely likely event you get on an airplane infested with terrorists. Essentially he says that if only everyone who flies on airplanes would follow his helpful tips and minutely scan all of their fellow passengers for signs of evil wicked foreignness as soon as they get to the airport, the terrorists would be foiled in their diabolical plan to make Americans paranoid about flying on airplanes.

The first thing to realize is that there are a few different scenarios which the terrorists could be using on your particular flight…. In most of these instances, their job is to also scare you. Terrorists create terror. If you stop flying, they win.  So be pro-active. Maybe something you do will cause them to call off the attack.

Exactly! Don’t stop flying — keep getting on airplanes! Just be constantly terrified while you’re on airplanes, because if you’re always terrified, the terrorists haven’t succeeded in terrorizing you.

One of the biggest advantages you have is the ability to profile. TSA refuses to do the obvious thanks to political correctness.  Everyone knows who is committing these attacks — Muslim, Middle-Eastern men between 18 and 40.  Maybe al Qaeda is trying to recruit others than don’t fit this profile but it sure fits the mold right now.

Don’t be afraid to be politically incorrect! Hell, don’t let even not being on an actual airplane with suspicious Muslim looking guys stop you from calling them out — you can always brag about it later in a series of ridiculous emails! And then some idiot at Human Events will even pretend the pretend version of the story is the real one!

A recent example of a possible test occurred on Nov 17 with an Airtran flight from Atlanta to Houston. Eleven Muslim men got on the plane and caused a big disturbance and ended with passengers assisting the flight attendants in the commotion. TSA was called, they took the men off, talked to them, and put them back on. The crewmembers walked off the plane refusing to fly it, and then passengers walked off as well. The terrorists tested the TSA and passengers but probably also threatened lawsuits to the government and Airtran. This could be setting up a later mission with hopes the TSA and airline would be afraid to take them off the plane.

Or, it could be a long-debunked bit of wingnut mythology. Maybe… although, as Plante reminds us, “expect the government and airline to try to cover up parts or all of an event,” so even if nothing happened, that’s what they want you to think. The fact that your paranoia may be based on your imagination running amok is incontrovertible proof that your paranoia is justified.

Some things to look for: groups or pairs of men, a passenger talking to themselves, speaking Arabic, watching crewmembers (this is different than looking), staring at the cockpit door, long stays or multiple trips to the lavatory, reading a book but not turning any pages, nervousness, being unusual by trying to fit in, taking pictures/videos, not making eye contact.

Note especially that they are so fiendish, the terrorists, that they could be acting “unusual by trying to fit in.” If they are acting normally, that is a dead giveaway that they are up to no good. Immediately try to suffocate them with an airsick bag; it may be your only chance for survival. And then you might get a crack at the Wall Street Journal opinion page to recount your horrific ordeal.

Most importantly? Relax. Even if you don’t spot the terrorist yourself, things are well taken care of, and you have nothing to worry about:

On the flight I diverted for security issues we had an F-16 on our tail, ready to shoot us down if we didn’t immediately land.

Happy flying! Surely the terrorists look silly right now, thinking they have us all scared and fraidey-cat. Take that, etc.