So the most amazingly awesome American decade since at least the 1930s has sputtered and wheezed and expired in the gutter after puking its guts out into the Dustbin of History. I will always remember the 00s every bit as fondly, and hopefully as hazily, as one might recall a hangover induced by too much $2 tequila.

In that spirit, let us sullenly cast our rheumy gaze into the dark backward and shithole of time, the Bush Years, and pick out the Most Memorable Books, Movies, TV Shows, Music, and Web-sites of that delightful period, which history will surely record as the Rear End Times; that is, if they even bother to record anything at all in the future, which they won’t, because we fucked up their planet while we were too busy screwing around with our godawful Books, Movies, TV Shows, Music, and Web-sites to be bothered to do anything about how we were busily fucking up the planet.

So fire up the Netflix queue, scribble a “reading list” for your next trip to the “library” (if you know what I mean, and I’m sure you do, redsnouts), and get ready to park your ass firmly on the couch, because we now hereby present the OFFICIAL LIST of the MOST MEMORABLE STUFF OF THE OUGHTS! Hooray! Whee. (Hacking cough.) Fuckin’-A. (Burps.)

(Note: the list is indeed “official,” which means you’re not allowed to argue with it or bitch about it, or else you’ll get Fox Security called on your sorry punk ass. Fair warning.)

MOST MEMORABLE BOOKS OF THE 00S!

None.

There were no books published in the 00s worth remembering. Admittedly, many books of that period it would not harm you irreparably to examine. Charlie Pierce‘s Idiot America was pretty good, for instance, and I quite recommend Henry Patterson’s Ireland Since 1939 as top-notch history writing. However, during this time, Jonah Goldberg also “wrote” Liberal Fascism: Mommy, I Made Boom-Boom (persuasively reviewed here). So if you tot up the net total Value to Humanity of all books appearing over the course of the last ten years, you end up with a Cultural Deficit twice as large as the Federal Deficit. It’s like if someone has diarrhea all over the back seat of your car, that odor clearly knocks out all the good odors your car ever may have ever theoretically had.

MOST MEMORABLE MOVIES OF THE 00S!

None.

I really liked Shaun of the Dead. And The Wind that Shakes the Barley. Everything else sucked. In this decade, Adam Sandler was permitted to make a bid to be Taken Seriously as an Actor, which tells us all we need to know about the film industry. Also, M. Night Shyamalan was permitted to make about 23 consecutive “eerie” movies with a clever “trick” premise, while the real “trick” is that he got people to pay money to see The Village even after he had made Signs and everyone should have fucking known better. And then he made a fucking movie about how Snuffalupagus wants to fuck up Ariel the Mermaid in a scummy motel, and is only foiled by some scraggle-beard asshole learning The True Meaning of Christmas. FUCK MOVIES OF THE 00s SIDEWAYS with a MUPPET.

MOST MEMORABLE TV SHOWS OF THE 00S!

None.

There were some good shows — in the US, that Angry Men show about drunken unhappy proto-yuppies is OK, and that HBO show about how everyone in Baltimore is a drug-addled corrupt asshole living a totally hopeless existence in a Marylandish hellscape has its adherents. And Battlestar Galactica kept a lot of bloggers busy not saying “fuck” for years on end. But — and this is a big “but” — for most of the decade you could turn on the teevee and there was a good chance you’d see George Bush’s head, and it would be saying words in some sort of sneering English quasi-dialect. Bleah. Wasn’t worth it.

MOST MEMORABLE MUSIC OF THE 00s!

None.

Portastatic‘s “You Blanks” sums up this low, dishonest decade aptly: “All my songs used to end the same way/ “everything’s gonna be OK”/ Now you fuckers make that impossible to say.” Yep. Also see Hamell on Trial (listen to “Values“). But apart from that, in an epoch dominated by Dick Cheney, There Is No Music. You know?

Most Memorable Web-sites of the 00s!

None.

FireDogLake was OK until Jane Hamsher went nuts and Made an Indefensible Alliance with a Certain Individual Whose Nonsensical Values I Cannot Endorse, an Action That Destroyed the Internets. Just a shame, really.