Inspired by BT’s recap of National Review’s predictions for 2009, I have decided to compile my own list of wishful conservative predictions for the new year:
o 2010 is coldest year in recorded human history, proving once and for all that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Earth’s climate. Al Gore issues public apology and retires to ice floe.
o Yemeni terrorists blow up several planes in worst terrorist attack on U.S. since 9/11. Senate Homeland Security Committee investigation reveals that they were waved through security despite being on no-fly list and wearing bulky explosive vests, because politically-correct TSA agents didn’t want to engage in “racial profiling.”
o DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano forced to resign; Senate Homeland Security Committee Chair Joe Lieberman handpicks Dangerstein to replace her.
o Researchers interview recently divorced couples in every state where gay marriage has been legalized, find that 71% of them split because institution of marriage no longer has any meaning.
o Employee Free Choice Act squeaks through Congress; liberal bloggers enraged by compromises which make unionizing more difficult and require workers to pay dues directly to employers.
o Labor Secretary Hilda Solis forced to resign; replaced by Rick Berman.
o A grateful and thriving Iraq elects George W. Bush president and agrees to contribute 50,000 troops to occupation of Afghanistan, saying, “Hey, it’s the least we can do.”
o Iran launches nuclear missiles at United States of Iraq. President Obama refuses to intervene until Congress forces his hand by passing McCain/Lieberman Declaration Of Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran.
o Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton forced to resign; replaced by General Petraeus.
o Conservative economist announces that after decades of tinkering he has perfected computer model in which cutting taxes for the rich increases government revenue, eliminates unemployment, and cures baldness. Narrow-minded liberal economists savage him mercilessly when he refuses to show his work.
o Vice President Joe Biden forced to resign; replaced by Joe The Plumber.
o Several Democratic politicians busted in embarrassing sex and corruption scandals, but no Republicans.
o A grateful and thriving Wall Street repays all remaining TARP funds and Fed loans with 200% interest, and still has enough money left over to give $1 trillion in bonuses to executives, traders, and fund managers. Subsequent massive spending spree kick-starts economy and saves America.
o Barack Obama’s secret Kenyan birth certificate and Michelle Obama’s “whitey tape” are discovered during remodeling of their former residence in Illinois.
o First Lady Michelle Obama forced to resign; replaced by Obama’s secret Kenyan lover, a senior al Qaeda operative he met through Bill Ayers.
o Republicans win midterm elections in landslide, retaking both houses of Congress. House Speaker-Elect Michele Bachmann vows that impeachment will be first order of business for new Congress, to be immediately followed by “long overdue” reinstatement of House Un-American Activities Committee.
o The rest of President Obama’s Cabinet and inner circle of advisers is forced to resign, except for Chief Of Staff Rahm Emanuel, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and chief economic adviser Lawrence Summers.
o Christmas wins.