One never tires of the attempt of Conservatives to prove that Conservatives are not freakish mental & cultural shut-ins living in a hermetically sealed Moron Conservative Universe of their own devising, but in fact Regular Folks capable of basic human social functioning, like saying “hello” without popping off to strangers about “socialism” — or, like, successfully going to the movies without getting arrested.

The reason one never tires of such attempts is that they are never very convincing and usually quite amusing. To wit, here is a list of The Top Ten “Conservative” Movies of the Past Decade. This list was compiled by Nile Gardiner, Professional Englishman, a leftover trace of Thatcher scat who misfortunately never seems to have been fully scrubbed out of the carpet.

This is a list of the ten best films of the last decade that have advanced a conservative message, ranging from strong support for the military and love for country to the defence of capitalism and the free market. These are all brilliant movies that conservatives can be inspired by, and which are guaranteed to offend left-wing sensibilities in one way or another.

It’s the last bit that matters, insofar as this shithead is concerned: if he can somehow convince himself that Liberals will be Annoyed, he gives himself Mad High Fives! And says, what a great film! Which is, you know, not how anyone else but Homo Wingnutticus understands movies, or, well, anything else. Hence he pretends that Liberals are opposed to, well, Good, but support instead Evil. Do I shit you? I Shit Thee Not:

A central theme that runs through several of my top ten picks is the eternal conflict between good and evil, and why the forces of tyranny and despotism must be confronted and defeated. They include films that Barack Obama should watch as he contemplates appeasing the likes of Iran and North Korea, or turning a blind eye to mass murder in Burma, Sudan and Zimbabwe.

Shazam! The upshot of this is that if a movie shows a Bad Guy getting an Ass Kicking or having an Ass Kicking coming, it is Conservative! And it is Great! Hooray for Ass Kicking! If there is Ass Kicking, that is Butch! Hooray! Hence:

1. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (Peter Weir, 2003)

Peter Weir’s unashamedly old-fashioned and visually stunning adaptation of Patrick O’Brian’s novel is one of the greatest odes to leadership ever committed to celluloid….

it should be essential viewing for any commander-in-chief. Russell Crowe delivers a powerhouse performance as Jack Aubrey, Captain of HMS Surprise, a British warship that hunts and ultimately captures a far larger French adversary during the Napoleonic Wars. Set in 1805, it is an epic tale of heroism and love for country in the face of incredible odds, and a glowing tribute to the grit and determination that forged the British Empire.

“Leadership,” see, is a quality only Conservatives admire. As are Heroism and Love of Country. Right.

Many things could be said here, including “bite me,” but I’ll confine myself to point out that this film was very famously subject to the blatant bowdleriziation of the source material for reasons of Political Correctness. Namely, in the Patrick O’Brian book, the Evil Forces of Tyrrany and Despotism are embodied (insofar as this even applies in the books) by an American ship, the USS Norfolk. But in the film, the Bad Guys are French.

And why? Because of all the fucking whining you’d hear from the usual Conservative babies if they were asked even for a minute to contemplate the idea of Americans as Bad Guys.

You could go through the rest of the list if you like, but I’ll leave you with Number Three, which is The Lord of the Rings, which is, we’re told, JRR Tolkien’s “vision of a mighty battle between good and evil in the realms of Middle Earth was brilliantly transferred to the screen by New Zealand director Peter Jackson, perfectly fitting a post 9/11 world where the forces of freedom found themselves pitted against a barbaric enemy.”

This is about the nerdiest drivel ever dribbled, except for the part where I’d observe that if you don’t believe Rumsfeld wouldn’t have stabbed Shrub for the One Ring with a Morgul-blade, you’re an Orc.