It’s a scary, spooky world out there for a conservative. Powerful forces are conspiring to take over the American healthcare industry, motivated, no doubt, by a sinister desire to crush the spirit of medical innovation and excellence that has given the United States one of the worst infant mortality rates in the developed world. Even worse, a dark, shadowy figure has seized command of the nation’s armed forces: this self-styled "Commander-in-Chief" is planning to indoctrinate children into voluntarily confining themselves in government-run institutions for hours and hours each day, where they will be cruelly deprived of cigarettes, as they would not be if we still lived in a free country with the schools run by kindly, avuncular corporations like, say, Phillip Morris.

But even the looming Stalinist menace of healthcare that doesn’t suck pales next to the latest threat to Traditional Heartland Values: THE GAYS HAVE SEIZED CONTROL OF AMERICA’S VITAL ICE CREAM SUPPLIES.

Truly a shocking development. When will the persecution of conservatives end, they’re the Most Oppressed People Ever (MOPEs), it’s like they’re stuck in a concentration camp, or a gulag, without any ice cream. This isn’t fair! And, like, it’s not like they’re homophobic bigots, either. As the always sensible and not at all crazy Peter LaBarbera helpfully points out, he is opposed not just to gay buttfucking, but also straight buttfucking. And fair enough. LaBarbera rammed that stick up his ass out of a sense of stern Christian duty and not just to have fun.

And the sacrifices conservatives must make now that frosty desserts and buttfucking are inextricably linked! List! O list! to this tale of woe from Elisabeth Meinecke at Human Events:

It’s hard to make a pint of Ben & Jerry’s unappetizing, but even I can resist peanut butter and chocolate when the carton sports two men on top of a wedding cake.

And that’s a real sacrifice because, apparently, usually she’s a total pig when it comes to ice cream. Or so she seems to imply. But two guys fucking in wedlock makes ice cream icky and gross. And it even gets worse:

Actually, it would be nice if I could console my ice cream craving by celebrating a conservative cause. As long as there’s a Ben & Jerry’s Hubby Hubby, I’d love to see a save the children ice cream campaign that went toward crisis pregnancy centers (talk about guilt-free ice cream!). Part of this is a cultural double standard that needs to change. Liberal morals are ‘in vogue.’ If conservatives launched a similar campaign, people would call it lame or tacky, regardless of how successful it really was. A flavor celebrating the return of my Second Amendment rights in D.C. would get me laughed out of a Scoop Shop.

Oh, boo fucking hoo. If conservatives launched a similar campaign, it would indeed be lame, tacky, unsuccessful, humiliating, and hilarious. But what the hell, let’s help them out. Here’s some proposed "conservative" ice cream flavors. Add your own in comments:

Chunky Not Really Descended from Monkey
Death By Chocolate Waterboard
Health Care Crunch Denied Because of Preexisting Condition
Cherry Garcia Ha Ha Your Dead Hippie
Butter Pee in a Can Before You Can Get a Job Junkie
Mint Chocolate LIBERALS WANT TO MIX A FETUS INTO THIS PINT OF ICE CREAM Chip
Rocky Road to HELL
Extra Fudgepacker Brownie Burn in Hellfire


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