Senators, Representatives, my fellow Americans, good evening. As you may know, this is a difficult time for Democrats. We continue to lose our courage, misplace our spines, and we continue to let Republicans and their hoard eat our lunches. We are on the run from a very small group of well-coached loud nutcases. And while running, I’ve had the chance to rethink our priorities.
You may remember that in some of my pre-election speeches, I invoked my mother’s memory and how she had to deal with hospital bills even as she was dying from cancer. Well, I was reminded by my running partners and fellow democrats that it was all for getting your votes. Now that I [and they] have been elected, I realize that we don’t need this shit that’s being handed to us. I don’t need to have my awesome image caricatured to look like Hitler. I don’t need some scary dudes showing up with automatic weapons at my rallies. And none of us [repeat for emphasis] NONE of us need to be heckled by rednecks. Because that’s for those who seek to get elected. We on the other hand, have already been elected! Therefore all this extra pain is completely unnecessary and we have decided that it is too much.
Look, nobody thought Healthcare reform would be easy. But we had no idea how hard it was going to be. I mean, come on, these guys with the money just will not quit. If the Obama magic and my promise to end partisanship will not get these guys to put up the white flag, I don’t know what will. And believe me I’ve tried my charm on them. I even agreed to not ask them for anymore concessions on top of the 80 billion conceeded by big Pharma. You’d think that would quiet everyone down. But unfortunately, even after conceeding these billions, there are apparently many more hundreds of billions that can be made on your backs and frankly, the industry is not willing to forgo that goldmine.
So what are we to do? We should all become Republicans. Because they seem to have most of the money and none of the emotional baggage of giving a shit. And in this new age of change, wouldn’t you like to live like them too? Wouldn’t you like to have a life where problems are always something that happens to someone else, mostly because they are lazy or came here as illegal immigrants? And wouldn’t you like to have a visit from Jesus – or any deity of your choice – on a regular basis to tell you that you are always right and are on a fast track to heaven? And wouldn’t you like to have other Republicans on your side? I mean these folks are all kinds of scary. Just the other day, this Bachmann chick from Minnesota was talking about slitting wrists and becoming blood brothers. She actually said "this [health care reform bill] will not pass." Wow! Didn’t that totally remind you of Gandalf facing the balrog? That’s when I realized that I must become a Republican in order to be as forceful as Bachmann and Gandalf.
As for the public option: the public’s option to NOT have insurace will be superseeded by the private option and a new law where the public will be mandated to buy private insurance. I’m told by my advisors and by the Blue Dogs that the industry has promised to not make any more profit than they absolutely have to, and that should keep your costs very low. And since your premiumns will be very low, we’ll introduce a new tax that will recuperate this excess savings you will have and funnell that into subsidiary programs for the insurance industry in order for them to stay competetetive in this harsh economy.Thank you and goodnight.O