Emma BYou learn a lot of surprising things over at Townhall, the well-known right wing Internet comedy site. For instance, today we learn that "conservative" college women act like sluts. We’re informed of this by one Eva Lorraine Molina, a test-tube wingnut baby currently incubating at the kook-science laboratories of the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute. (This is a fun one, kids! All quotes, as always, are 100% True Real, hard as that may be to believe.)

As our society abandons the conservative values that make women into ladies, women with grace and dignity have become an endangered species—especially on today’s college campuses. The kind of woman who inspired Tom Jones’ song “She’s a Lady” has become an antiquated figure from America’s past. Most popular songs about women today are more like “Youse a Ho” by Ludacris.

Oh dear. It is indeed a shame that nowadays the collapse of Conservative Values means so many women are going to college at all, something for which I blame Feminism. If women were kept out of college, they couldn’t go there to whore it up. Instead they could go to Tom Jones concerts and throw their panties at him, just like Jesus wanted.

Conservatism is not just an ideology; it is a lifestyle. On college campuses telling the difference between liberal and conservative women is nearly impossible when they behave in an equally undignified manner. Conservative women should display their values through their lifestyle. This means acting like ladies, because the difference between conservative and liberal women should not just be the way we vote.

That’s interesting — I’d always supposed conservatism was an innate disorder as opposed to a lifestyle choice.

The feminist movement’s war on conservatism in America has killed chivalry and trained too many women to think and act like men.

Well, if feminists want women to act like men, it only makes sense that they killed chivalry — you can’t scratch your balls in a suit of armor. And farting is also inadvisable. Or so I imagine. Besides, like I was saying, you can’t really disagree that it’s feminists’ fault that so many women are attending college just like men, so the logic here is flawless. Suck it, libtards.

As a result, many young conservative women do not know what it means to be a lady. Here is a good definition:

A lady does not tell dirty jokes along with men and she does not tolerate men telling dirty jokes in her presence. She does not swear, and she is not considered “one of the guys.”

Too fucking right.

In spite of new fashion trends, a lady always dresses appropriately, leaving a lot to the imagination.

She wears a paper bag over her burka.

Above all, a lady is well-mannered, dignified, gracious, and kind.

Which liberal women are too, only they also get to say "fuck" if they want. Liberal win!

Our society holds conservatives to a higher moral standard.

Hee hee. Our society doesn’t even hold conservatives to the standard of being against torture or being for decent healthcare. But we do concede that you sincerely hate gay people, so it balances out. Also, Tom DeLay.

Besides, why would a conservative woman ever want to be mistaken for a liberal woman?

To get away from conservative men? Because:

I have heard many of my male peers place women into three categories: “the ones to mess around with, the ones to date, and the ones to marry.” Though this is a rather crude way of categorizing women, it shows that men do recognize and value the qualities that make a woman a lady.

Yep, her "male peers" are "conservative" men, all right. You can sure see why a young "lady" would want to please assholes like these fine young fellows, because what intelligent woman doesn’t want to spend her entire life with a smug little shit who believes in double standards and doesn’t believe in enjoying sex with the person he’s going to eventually cheat on? What a catch.

For men, ladies are at the top of the female totem pole, and conservative women need to take pride in the fact that they are worthy of time, love, and commitment.

The "female totem pole"…? Well, it’s a theory — put a great big stick up your ass so maybe you can make yourself a pretty fetish object for someone who doesn’t genuinely believe you can talk, think, or enjoy sex. Sure is a mystery why this philosophy has apparently proven so very unpopular.