G.I. No: NRO’s Miller Longs for Country of Green Plastic Men

Robo Troops

Proposed Uniform 2030
(courtesy of the US Army)

Conservative cesspool National Review Online’s John J. Miller apparently has nothing important to write about. Yesterday he expressed grave concern (warning: NRO link) as to whether or not the upcoming G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie will be American enough. "I keep wondering: Is G.I. Joe still an American?" he ponders.

His evidence, which is based on his viewing of a couple trailers, leafing through the book and comic tie-ins at the store, and the movie’s website, is thus:

The old logo was red, white, and blue. Now the dominant image is black.

Now we all know that black is evil, but who knew that the U.S. Army isn’t American any more. Neither is the U.S. Air Force. If only they had more colorful logos.

Nobody wears green Army uniforms. Instead, the good guys appear to put on silver-plated robocop armor.

Wait, wasn’t Robocop a good American? A police officer that followed the law to the tee not a real American? Another childhood hero tarnished beyond repair. I guess this guy isn’t an American either, but he does look like an action figure at least.

Joe and his friends look like celluloid heroes without a country.

I’m not quite sure where he’s going with that statement. Maybe he is trying to equate the non-green, red, white and blue wearing characters to terrorists. Al Qaeda isn’t affiliated with any one country in particular. G.I. Joe characters don’t wear outfits that that seem to align them with any one country in particular. Therefor, G.I. Joe is a terrorist organization. Perfect neo-con logic.

Miller closes his screed with:

Perhaps Hollywood thinks a moratorium on American patriotism is necessary in order to attract an international audience. But it would be nice if the studios and producers thought they might play a role in the public diplomacy of creating goodwill abroad. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra looks like a load of fun. It may also be another missed opportunity.

The Republicans are well known for their desire to create goodwill abroad (especially in Argentina). Secret torture prisons, indefinite detentions and extraordinary rendition are all evidence of that. Instead of asking if Hollywood will polish a turd, and cover up the truth with fake goodwill, why not just shift your foreign policy to reflect the goodwill you desire?

Mr. Miller, if you aren’t happy with the way your favorite childhood toy has evolved, why don’t you just stick to reruns of "24". Jack Bauer will always be a true patriot and a real American Hero.

…oh wait, never mind. Jack Bauer’s choice of attire and "24" logo may not fit your guidelines of chromatically acceptable, patriotic entertainment. Better stick with The Greatest American Hero.

Relax John, it’s just a movie.