Congressional Tattoo (xsm)

tattoo by watertiger

At Late Night I do not ordinarily "do" policy; rather, I strive to establish a tone, a theme, if you will. But nevertheless for tonight I will attempt policy. I must. The healthcare debate has reached a crisis point. Something needs to be done: it’s time for action, or the nation faces disaster. I don’t want to scare anyone, but if we don’t do something, immediately, it is entirely possible that a healthcare bill may be signed into law which might, on the one hand, help millions of uninsured Americans pay for medical care, but on the other hand — and I know this may sound outlandish, but I assure you the danger is real — there is a distinct possibility that this legislation might not be bipartisan.

I apologize for stating this so starkly, and I am aware that I lay myself open to charges of alarmist fearmongering. But despite the best efforts of our country’s wisest and best-remunerated media figures, there is a real chance that the majority party could be so indecent, so crass, as to dare to enact the sort of legislation they promised to enact when they were running for office, as opposed to the sort of legislation the party they defeated would find preferable. And that’s just not the way democracy is supposed to work in America.

Now, this disaster may not occur. I am sure I need not remind any of you of the high ideals held dear by our Democratic Party congressional leadership, as these ideals are clearly embodied in each of their most shining achievements. But that is precisely why we must take action, now, so that a compromise can be reached on healthcare before we are forced to witness the awful aftermath of veteran politicians and political commentators getting their feelings hurt. Making it possible for all Americans to afford quality medical care is simply too high a price to pay for partisan rancor.

Fortunately, a solution exists, one that is based upon tried-and-true, bedrock principles of our nation’s political culture. It is simple, practical, common-sensical, even elegant. Indeed, I am surprised that it has not as yet been proposed, so thoroughly does it express the profound logic of our elite opinion makers. I offer this solution humbly, however, without seeking credit or praise, or accolades. I merely wish to help us all step back from the precipice upon which the people are perched so precipitously.

It is, therefore, my proposal that each and every American who dies because she or he lacked health insurance be given a generous, one-time-only tax cut.

The merits of the plan are self-evident. It is axiomatic, of course, that there exists no problem which cannot be solved with a tax cut, as the Republican Party well knows. Moreover, it would deliver the Democrats in congress and in the administration something that could quite clearly appear as a "victory" if you do not look very hard at what it accomplishes, which is nearly as valuable as actual programs that benefit actual humans.

The public relations gains would be impressive. The government could issue notice of the tax reduction to the uninsured deceased individual at her or his funeral, which will no doubt come as a great comfort to the bereaved. The notice could perhaps even be in the form of a giant novelty check which might serve as a tasteful backdrop for a floral display. That the check would be non-negotiable would hardly detract from its effect, as it would be considered gauche in the extreme to point this out on so solemn an occasion.

One potential difficulty with the plan is that the uninsured tend to be relatively less well off, and for this sort of people, it would be a grave temptation to die in order to receive the benefit. (This is also why it would be a mistake to offer these folks public healthcare, as they would be forever deliberately becoming ill simply in order to go to the doctor for free.) For this reason it would be crucial to stress that the tax break for the deceased uninsured individuals would be a one-time-only offer, to discourage freeloading.

I urge all of my readers to contact your Senators and Representatives immediately to alert them to this potentially game-changing idea, one that might avert the looming menace of partisan legislation being considered on its capacity to make life better for ordinary Americans. For what, after all, did the Founding Fathers fight and bleed, if not bipartisanship? Give me comity or give me death: these are the proud words that have inspired generations of patriots to become frequently invited onto Sunday television programs.

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  3. Late Night: Elephants on Parade
  4. Jim Cooper, Avowed Supporter of Public Option, to Move to Stall Progress Toward Healthcare Reform
  5. Ted Kennedy’s Legacy, and the Nixon Healthcare Deal That Wasn’t