Tell your voters – “You got to Hell and you DIE!”

According to ABC News, Sarah Palin reached out to two mavens of  chutzpah and hubris, before her rambling, incoherent speech last Saturday:

In the weeks before Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation, she spoke privately with a range of prominent Republican officials – including former Vice President Dick Cheney and former mayor Rudolph Giuliani.

This May, documents indicate,Palin called former Vice President Dick Cheney; former New York City mayor and GOP presidential primary contender Rudolph Giuliani; and Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who is often mentioned as a GOP presidential candidate for 2012.

Jeezy creezy, can you imagine what those phone calls sounded like?

Cut to: interior, secluded mansion on the Chesapeake Bay.  Dick Cheney sits in an oversized wing chair, a basket of kittens on his lap. Just as he lifts one to his mouth, the phone rings.

Dick Cheney:  "GARRR?  Yeah, this is Dick Cheney . . . Sarah? Sarah who?  . . . Oh, ‘Bush in a skirt,’ . . . What’s that?  You want out of Alaska? No shit. . . . $500K in legal fees? Don’t worry, you’re still a piker compared to Scooter Libby. . . . Yeah, I’ve made a killing since I’ve left the White House, but I killed a lot more while I was still in office. . . . No, it’s great, actually.  I get to go on all the talk shows and scare the bejesus out of the 23% who still think I . . . I mean, George . . . did a good job as President. . . . Yeah, I’d tell you to go for it.  Tell the people of Alaska to go fuck themselves.  How many are there, anyway?  250? Please, like the Eskimos count. . . . President in 2012?  That’s not so far away, y’know. So, have you given any thought as to whom you’d want for your vice president?

Cut to: interior, NYC apartment.  Rudy Giuliani is in front of his bathroom mirror, buffing his teeth.  The phone rings offscreen. A woman’s voice yells, "RUDY, YOU SHIFTLESS FUCK! GET THE GODDAMNED PHONE!" He sighs, puts down the ShamWow™, and picks up the phone by the toilet.

Rudy Giuliani:  Yo, this is Rudy. . . . Oh, it’s you. What, you still gloating about getting the VP nod? . . . You wanna WHAT? Wow. . . Nah, I tried to stay IN office. . . . Well, the speaking fees have dropped — hold on a second — I’m DOING IT, Judi! — yeah, speaking fees have dropped off, but you should see the consulting fees I’m raking in from Saudi Arabia.  Hah, yeah, I’m pallin’ around with terrorists, too!  They pay a lot better than the citizens of New York City, that’s for sure!  Yeah, I’d say ‘go for it.’ You guys wanna go to a Yankees game?  Tickets are on New York. . . . Hey, have you thought about a running mate yet?

Cut to: interior, Palm Beach tanning salon. Charlie Crist is lying in a tanning bed. The phone rings from inside the compartment.

Charlie Crist: Yello!  Oh, hey, girlfren! . . . Mmmhmm. . . I see. . . . Really?. . . . No, I wouldn’t recommend that.  I’d go for the Chanel sandals – they’re very next season, and nobody in Alaska will have them!