Jonah Goldberg is in a lather with the blather about the "perfect GOP candidate," which he seems to think should be some combination of Dick Cheney and Charo — a spicy senorita with a heart of turd. This is because he thinks a Hispanic could make Hispanics excited about anti-Hispanic policies that Hispanics hate. And he wants this candidate to be a woman, presumably, so he can picture her in Lycra underpants in the manner of lady comic book superheroes or similar, fap fap fap, say no more. And he wants her to be like Dick Cheney because he’s a crazy asshole — and so is he!
None of this makes very much sense, predicated as it is on Jonah Goldberg’s notion of "identity politics" as something for those "other" people who can’t Achieve on Their Halfwit Merits by, oh, cleverly getting plopped out of an advantageously positioned Upper Manhattan crotch. Worse than that, though, is the sad but lamentable, even lachrymose fact that Jonah Goldberg is unhip even by the standards of his own cloacaly obsessed playground. For, you see, in Truth, there are no Hispanics, even though they tend to fuck like slutty bunnies. Taking this logic a step further, it might be safely deduced that, likewise, there are no women, either. (That there are no Dick Cheneys, however, may be a proposition that founders on the rocks and shotgun blasts of Empiricism.)Annnnnnnyway. Jonah is thus proved by infallible algebra to be a dumbass. So it falls to us, mes amis, to Construct the Perfect GOP Candidate. Fortunately we who have studied the Wingnut Mind — we who have cracked that particular walnut — know just what it is the GOP most deeply desires in a prospective candidate:
1. A Proper Deference to Established Religious Authority;
2. A Resolute Resolve to Face Down All Foreign Enemies, Even If This Means Talking Stupid Shit in Public;
3. A Certain Relaxed Attitude in Regards to Election Law;
4. An Utter Indifference to World Opinion, When World Opinion Considers You a Complete Fucking Loon;
5. A Willingness to Talk Utter Shit Nobody Believes.
So, in other words, this guy (pic below the fold).
2012 GOP Hopeful
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Thersaturday Night Fever!
Thers! You’re back!
sathersday night! woohoo thers is back
Thersday on Saturday! He endured AP essays, the Louisville Airport, and airline hell and lived to tell about it!
hahahahahaha – love your conclusion thers
in Truth, there are no Hispanics, even though they tend to fuck like slutty bunnies. Taking this logic a step further, it might be safely deduced that, likewise, there are no women, either.
Confirms my suspicion that post-modernism is actually a conservative plot to make America stupid and indifferent.
He really is the perfect Republican candidate.
I am back, I think. Who is to say, however? Who… am I?
its gotta piss the right off
You am us.
I dunno…he seems to be an even less subtle electoral cheat than Bush was.
I am we!
As I said, the perfect Republican candidate. They hate subtlety.
We we!
All your stupid are belong to us.
coo coo ka choo
Eric Cantor in a face toupee?
Nope. Gotta trim the beard down to the uberreichwingnut Grover Norquist model. Can’t be a young(ish) Rethug without it.
Isn’t that a picture of one of the guys from Deliverance?
How do you say “squeal like a pig” in Farsi?
wewe!
I’m actually sympathetic to arguments about how racial categories are just basically made up hooey, but that doesn’t mean I’m not amused at how such arguments are only ever trotted out when conservatives want to pretend there’s no such thing as discrimination.
We be cool.
Sure there is. But only against white dudes. Poor babies. Bless their little, tinnie, winnie hearts.
In the sense that race has no biological reality, I am more than sympathetic, I forcefully teach it. This of course completely elides the more important fact (which the NRO piece you allude to tries to dismiss)that the social categories of race exert a powerful and malignant force on peoples lives (which I also teach).
“I cannot be a racist because there is no such thing as race, you uneducated wog!”
Exactly!
That means that the “N” word has no definition.
It’s pure coincidence that the rich guys are all pink.
Now that he has stepped out of the closet in such a dramatic way, won’t he help convince his friends to help repeal our laws against love? Since his only friends are now Lindsey and Joe Blow, at least he has a 50/50 chance?
Senor Sanchez, te huelo apesta?
I am pithy like that.
I am pithed off.
and really, really silly.
a town without pithy
Conservatives have long denied the existence of race in order to facilitate the right of pigmentally challenged people to discriminate on the basis of something which does not exist.
Bastards.
I am also full of pith and vinethar
More more!
Don’t pith up a rope.
Most especially don’t pith into the wind.
nevah evah pith off the mods
That is rather like pithing into a gale force wind up a rope.
Thers! Suze! FirePups!
But does that Perfect Candidate have an unspoken sexual peccadillo? That kinda goes with the Perfect GOP Candidate territory. Seems like he’d have to be attracted to diapered armadillos, or like hookers in armadillo costumes diapering him, or something. But then, Republican Sex baffles me. It’s a pithy how confusing it all is.
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t piss into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
Please contact me for exciting investment opportunities!
oh crap – i completely forgot about that. to be a member of the GOP (grand old perverts) ya gotta be perverted
Do repugs wear pith helmets while having weird yet uninteresting sex?
Suzanne, the man grins like Yakov Smirnoff at a porno double feature. I’ll take a wild guess that he’s got a kink somewhere.
hahahahaha
It would be great to see a post on the DOJ’s DOMA brief. Just sayin.
OK, I am fading. Niters all!
g’nite thers
i would vote yes. A pith helmet would set off the twin-set rubber suits perfectly!
The only thing Ahmadinadoodad needs is a fake U.S. birth certificate.
Beacause IOKIYAR.
I don’t understand what happened with the DOMA brief. Was the O Admin trying to make us unhappy? fuckery.
For anyone interested, from the spiffy new Frank Rich column.
Perhaps he is into Khanith. It is a long established custom in his country as witnessed by the popularity of amrad khaneh.
Sleep well.
What party does the individual belong to that is sitting in a bathroom stall in a airport wearing a pith helmet and a diaper?
and has a clown car waiting to pick him up curbside.
there are resemblances to the log cabin republicans
I believe him. For that matter, there is a sizable minority of Americans who still haven’t coped with the 20th century.
As well as to certain elected officials from southern and mountain states.
You mean the Republican Party?
republican elected officials
Rich wraps it up with the following.
Yeah, those guys.
“Bring an end,” eh? Were I the Secret Service, I might seek a clarification of a statement like that….
Thought that went without saying, so I didn’t.
bet the secret service is really starting to get pissed off at all these threats
In depth, up close, and very personal clarification.
true dat but ya never know when one is lurking
Don’t think I want to see their overtime budget these days.
The rhetoric used by conservatives is always over the top but it is becoming so overtly threatening…
Really does make the guy up top of the post their ideal candidate.
It’s been a tradition since at least Clinton for the wingnuts to go crazy when a Democrat is in the White House. Some traditions deserve to be stopped.
I feel sorry for the Secret Service. Their job would be hard enough without a quarter of the U.S. population going stark raving cuckoo bananas.
But they’ll say – just kidding! You can’t take a joke?
isn’t their base down to less than one quarter of the population? i think it is hovering around one fifth the population
You have to admire O for leaving the safety of the White House.
(I didn’t even realize I was making a pun until mid sentence)
Bounces around a little bit from poll to poll from 20-24%.
and cry crocodile tears about freedom of speech
Ahmadinejad actually might be too moderate for the wingnuts
i want it down to single digits
True.
Zero is a good digit.
They never seem to worry about protecting the First Amendment until their precious hate speech comes under attack.
sad but true
Rightwing speech is the only kind protected by that amendment and they get to say whatever the fuck they want.
Of course the really dangerous individuals are a tiny fraction of one percent. Unfortunately when we’re talking about a group (the Republican base) that numbers in the millions, less than one percent is still a disturbing number of potential domestic terrorists AND with so many people talking shit, it’s that much harder to discern the real threats.
And if you don’t like it, they’ll shoot you (see: Second Amendment).
and the talking heads have a forking huge megaphone to reach that less than one percent with their hate speak
Time for me to retire. Take care all.
g’nite dr dick
Joan Walsh did a great job of taking O’Reilly down a notch.
G’night, DrDick.
I should wrap it up too. Splendid evening to all.
g’nite ratfood
Bush, Cheney, Pantload, none of them has ever been able to understand that it isn’t a failure to communicate right wing policies that has made them unpopular; it is the policies themselves. The more Bush went on TV to explain his policies the more people decided they really hated them. Because the right seems clinically unable to understand that fairly simple point, they appear to be well on the way dooming themselves to irrelevance. Which is, to me, definitely a feature, not a bug of the right wing ‘thought’ process.
Thers!!!
WOW.. LMAO!!!…Huge broadside against moronic Repubs and an eye-opener for others…Thank-you :)
now to read comments..Hi all :)
Anyone who even reads Jonah Goldberg, much less takes him seriously, should be put permanently on the fucking short bus.
I wrote that down.. The unvarnished truth, beautifully said. :)
Wait, doesn’t being in ‘A sizable minority’ mean they are still really in the MINORITY and that most/more people still don’t agree with them?
‘A sizable minority of Americans is irrationally fearful of the fast-moving generational, cultural and racial turnover Obama embodies — indeed, of the 21st century itself.’
yup
OMFG!
In a nut,
Shell.
Thers, I sure hope you like cheap beer.
Ay Caramba! Well in order to keep balance in the Universe -if Chastity Bono is undergoing a gender modification- then perhaps Jonah can convince the former Attorney General to do so…getting into the lycra might be an issue, though.
Whats with the deafening silence here at FDL about Obama’s DOMA defense?
Suzanne isUpstairs
Killfile there’ve been some responses already here, about that. Here’s an Oxdown Gazette. I’m sure I saw another one here, but I can’t find it tonight. (It might have been on EmptyWheel, or La Figa) Another option would be to write one yourself, for Oxdown. If it’s even moderately well written, I’ll recommend it.
Zing! Bet that stings.
Surely he’s dreaming of Sarah.
No, the O administration has kicked gays to the curb, officially, with a legal brief that could have been written by the spawn of Falwell. Which group will be next?
John Avarosis and Pam Spaulding are all over the issue. Read about it there.
If this is a pattern I may end up hating O more than I ever hated Bush. It’s one thing to be stabbed by an enemy. It’s another to be stabbed by a “friend.”