It’s been a heck of a week, what with the revelations about how Nancy Pelosi personally ran the Bush torture program and so forth. Amazing news! Besides that, Chuck Norris wrote something and got paid for it, which is, in its own way, also amazing.

And, shazam! Chuck Norris informs us that he is pretty pleased with the story of a Croatian bakery that put up a poster of him to frighten off robbers. Apparently this actually worked, proving, I suppose, that people who rob Croatian bakeries are easily intimidated by images of superannuated action movie stars who never learned to read lines convincingly and who also hate gay people. What we are do with this information, I am uncertain, as it seems (a) to be criminological information of strictly local utility, and (b) stupid. Besides that, Chuck Norris tells us that the poster is "life sized," which is I guess possible, though as per the newspaper photograph of it, if so, that means he’s a whole lot smaller than I thought. I got a Norris in my pocket…

He’s not much brighter or saner than I’d imagined, anyhow. His overall thesis is something about how America is the greatest nation on earth because of God, but it’s also a total cesspit because Nancy Pelosi wants government thugs to replace Jesus with pedophiles, or something. It’s not very clear. For instance, Chuck Norris informs us of this fascinating statistic: "Teenage pregnancies in the U.S. (52.1 for every 1,000 of those ages 15-19) are the highest in the developed world (four times what they are in the European Union)." Well, you know, let’s hear it for abortion on demand and socialized medicine, then! Or not; Chuck instead seems to be recommending not what’s worked for the Krauts and Wops and Frogs in regard to taking home the gold in the Fewer-Knocked-Up-Teen-Olympics, but instead MORE GOD. Jesus, in this sense, is the ultimate steroid and the ultimate prophylactic. Ad good for Jesus.

But then, in other areas, it’s all about the legislation:

One way we can fight right now for our Founders’ America is by going here and joining the several hundred thousand Americans who already have voiced their opposition to the passage of the Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act, because in the end, it could not only criminalize opinions (an unconstitutional act) but also provide elevated protection to pedophiles. Is that how we want our government protecting our children and the Constitution?

What he means is this bill, which would "protect pedophiles" in a sense that I have actually tried to figure out, but have been thus far unsuccessful; likewise I’m baffled by the "thought crimes" thing, though at least there I’m not alone.

So Chuck wants to appeal to the Younger Kids with the message of not letting gays marry and making it OK to beat them up. This may not seem very cutting edge, but he has his hopes:

Whether at work, in a college classroom or at a community event, can you identify someone to whom you can reach out and begin to build that generational bridge?

Grope a minor… for Christ. Or:

If you think protecting a bakery in Croatia is impressive, try protecting a youth in America from the onslaught of our cultural maladies. If you do, it’s you who will be the superhero.

Complete with the Lycra underpants.