“Turns out the burning was just my anal cyst flaring up.”

Rush 20:12

. . . And so the American voters showed no mercy to the Republicans and ordered that they be driven from power. The Republicans suffered mightily during this time of political famine and struggled against the country’s hardened heart.

Dismayed by the wailings of his people, Rush remained steadfast in his pursuit of bearing false witness against the country. He awoke, awash in a pool of his own vomitus, to hear a voice proclaim that he was the True Leader of the indentured Republican Party.

The Republicans rejoiced, embracing their new leader, obeisant to his wise dictates.

And so it was written that Rush was called to the southern oasis to devise a new plan for the party’s rebirth.

Accompanied by his brothers Sean and Glenn, Rush fled to South Beach to "see God," leaving John the Tannest to rule over the Republicans. He bade John to lead the party in his absence and to obstruct all laws that the rulers might try to pass.

Rush and his followers encamped at his mansion complex in Miami for 40 nights. On the fortieth night, he sought out Ann the Fraudulent.

‘Have you heardeth what is going on back in D.C.?’ she asked. "In your absence the Republicans have wandered far afield. They have been misled by a person called Steele and are praying to a false idol named Cantor."

Rush was angered mightily and demanded from Ann the Fraudulent two tablets of Percocet. Rush saw etched upon the tablets ten precepts that his people were to follow. He clutched the tablets to his chest and returned to the north, where he discovered his followers had indeed gone astray under the guidance of Steele. Rush mocked and derided them and asked why they had broken their pledge to him. They wept and rent their mantles, crying that Steele had asked them to discard their old ways and to follow the God of Moderately Big Tents.

Rush held aloft the Tablets of Percocet, telling his people that they were not worthy. John the Tannest, despairing, burst forth into tears and begged for forgiveness.

Rush forgave John, and then turned to Steele. "Begone," said Rush. "You will remain an untouchable all your life, and Hell shall be your destination."

Rush warned his people that those who repudiated His Commandments and the judgment to come were bound to meet their doom; no one would be able to save them then. And Rush spake all these words, saying

ONE: ‘You shall have no other entertainers before Me.‘

TWO: ‘Thou shalt not listen.‘

THREE: ‘Never EVER contradict me.‘

FOUR: ‘Sundays are for boozing, gambling, and getting forged prescriptions filled.‘

FIVE: ‘Filial obligation is for momma’s boys.‘

SIX: ‘Murder is fine, so long as it’s of minorities and non-believers.‘

SEVEN: ‘Never go on vacation without a gross of Viagra.‘

EIGHT: ‘Steal from the poor and give to the rich.‘

NINE: ‘Thou shalt not trust minorities – they all stick together.‘

TEN: ‘Coveting is the basis of capitalism and it is good.‘

And so it was written. And so it shall be done.

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