Some horrible Scottish fossil thinks if you don’t like torture, you’re a traitor and a fag. Well, fuck him and all the stateside wingnuts Scotch-egging (like tea-bagging, just with more lard) his shriveled Caledonian nutsack. Gerald Warner, you are one dusty-assed squirrely pervert of a moral and intellectual degenerate:

If al-Qaeda, the Taliban and the rest of the Looney Tunes brigade want to kick America to death, they had better move in quickly and grab a piece of the action before Barack Obama finishes the job himself. Never in the history of the United States has a president worked so actively against the interests of his own people – not even Jimmy Carter.

He misspelled "Reagan," who is famous for cowardice in the face of extremist Islamic aggression (a point which makes every bit as much sense as anything Warner’s just bleated, and is yet superior, because it contains evidence in the form of a link as opposed to a throwaway sliming, a rhetorical device otherwise known as a "colostomy squirt").

Obama’s problem is that he does not know who the enemy is. To him, the enemy does not squat in caves in Waziristan, clutching automatic weapons and reciting the more militant verses from the Koran: instead, it sits around at tea parties in Kentucky quoting from the US Constitution. Obama is not at war with terrorists, but with his Republican fellow citizens.

Republicans sit at Kentucky tea parties quoting from the Constitution? Uh, no. Like UK Tories, who, as Alexei Sayle once soberly pointed out, are famous for liking nothing better than skulking around the board room "slamming their dicks in the door," because they are the most revolting of participants in sexual deviancy (the sort who can’t get a consenting adult to enjoy it with them), in private American Republicans spend the best part of their time covering up their pals’ sex crimes or else plotting their own. (I understand that Sen. Vitter, that naughty boy, has once more made "boom boom.") And in order to show that I am not hard hearted I encourage Monsieur Warner and his co-ideologues to practice safe auto-erotic asphyxiation — to use only the one dildo and wetsuit. Safety first, you cranky Scots shit with the private lace n’ latex kilt you probably like snuggling into (just playing the percentages here).

That is why he opened Pandora’s Box by publishing the Justice Department’s legal opinions on waterboarding and other hardline interrogation techniques. He cynically subordinated the national interest to his partisan desire to embarrass the Republicans.

Huh. Well, first of all, the memos came out because in America we value the right to know what the fuck our government is doing in our name, something called "democracy," a concept I encourage Warner to Google, as he appears unfamiliar with it. If the memos are embarrassing — well, nobody ever really said the GOP ever needed much help making them look like ignorant vindictive jackasses with a grasp of notions like "the rule of law" every bit as feeble as that of screechy ancient incontinent Scotsmen who write online gibberish for the Telegraph — apparently in furtherance of some sort of government program for giving said preposterous Scotsmen something else to do besides bother strangers in pubs.

Note: torture is bad, and against the law in the US. Just a reminder.

Moving on:

So, next time a senior al-Qaeda hood is captured, all the CIA can do is ask him nicely if he would care to reveal when a major population centre is due to be hit by a terror spectacular, or which American city is about to be irradiated by a dirty bomb. Your view of this situation will be dictated by one simple criterion: whether or not you watched the people jumping from the twin towers.

Fuck you. Here would be my view: I would not do something unlikely to work but likely to cost me my soul; I would uphold the laws of my nation and the norms of civilized society; I would in short be a morally responsible human being.

But I’m hardly perfect. I grew up in Queens. And after that last paragraph I quoted, and after that all that stuff about how my president is a "pantywaist," I confess that a certain tribal part of me would not mind meeting Mr. Warner very much in person so that I might explain precisely why his insults — the worst of which is that America ought to be a nation whose guiding principle is barbarism — are so aggravating. But I am a civilized man, and so will content myself for the nonce with remarking, on the Internet, that Warner is a fuckfaced little psychotic snotnosed shit who should be bottled, pissed on, corked, and then tossed into some Glaswegian sewer to be wetly shat on forever until the Last Trump sounds.

I trust I have made myself crystal clear on this point.


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