“I had the most awful dream. I was poor and no one liked me.”

Remember Jake DeSantis, the sniveling WATB AIGFP executive vice-president who resigned is such spectacular fashion in the New York Times op-ed section that the more cynical amongst us suspected a public relations carpet-bombing? Pshaw, how can anyone forget the overly self-righteous (and overpaid) Mr. DeSantis?

That is why I have decided to donate 100 percent of the effective after-tax proceeds of my retention payment directly to organizations that are helping people who are suffering from the global downturn. This is not a tax-deduction gimmick; I simply believe that I at least deserve to dictate how my earnings are spent, and do not want to see them disappear back into the obscurity of A.I.G.’s or the federal government’s budget. Our earnings have caused such a distraction for so many from the more pressing issues our country faces, and I would like to see my share of it benefit those truly in need.

On March 16 I received a payment from A.I.G. amounting to $742,006.40, after taxes. In light of the uncertainty over the ultimate taxation and legal status of this payment, the actual amount I donate may be less — in fact, it may end up being far less if the recent House bill raising the tax on the retention payments to 90 percent stands. Once all the money is donated, you will immediately receive a list of all recipients.

Oh, Mr. DeSantis, as the Good Book says: The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.

Except for one thing–it seems that Mr. DeSantis can’t quite tear himself away from his lucrative AIG paycheck, not yet anyway. I guess that mortgage on Mark Twain’s "historic register" home in that exclusive Connecticut enclave wasn’t quite paid off yet, and his wife had already made plans to celebrate her birthday at the swanky country club they undoubtedly belong to. From today’s Wall Street Journal:

Overall, Mr. Pasciucco said, about a third of the resignations were from the financial-products office in London. He said that Jake DeSantis, an executive who announced his resignation in a New York Times op-ed piece amid the controversy, is still on the job short term as the commodity business he works on is resolved. AIG didn’t make him available for comment.

Oh, Jake, Jake, Jake. You can try to talk the talk, but you are far too soulless, amoral, and completely wrapped up in your identity as a big-time commodities trader to actually walk out the door. What a douche. I’m wondering whether Mr. Liddy did indeed receive that list. . . .

Also a douche is Mr. DeSantis’ new boss, Gerry Pasciucco, who tries to guilt-trip all those American taxpayers who showed the slightest hint of moral indignation at the exorbitant bonuses these scumbags were pulling down:

Mr. Pasciucco said that as a result of the bonus controversy, some employees’ children were harassed, and some had clubs ask them to resign.

"It doesn’t surprise me that some senior people said, ‘You know what, I’ve had enough,’ " he said.

Oh my god, the HORROR! I can’t even imagine what it must be like to get kicked out of my restricted country club because of a gross over-generalization! Why, I’d have to play golf at a. . . *GASP*. . . public course!

Yeah, it’s an outrage, all right. I’ll be over in the corner, laughing into my gruel and weak tea.