I am using this online political forum to declare my intention to run for the United States Senate seat soon to be vacated by Hillary Clinton. I understand that Caroline Kennedy, for whom I have a high personal regard, has decided that she is qualified to serve the Empire State and should thus be appointed to fill the vacancy. Frankly, I don’t think that is particularly democratic, so I’m exercising my right as a U.S. citizen over the age of 35.
My fellow Americans, here’s why I think am a better "representative" of New York State than Caroline Kennedy:
1. I was born at Lenox Hill Hospital, right in the middle of New York City. I’m no carpetbagger, baby! In fact, I’m so "New York" that I can effortlessly use the word "fuck" in every grammatical sense, and all within one sentence. (I understand that this also qualifies me to serve as governor of Illinois.)
2. I know better than to order pastrami on white with mayo at Katz’s Deli . . . or get an up-close look at the water that those street cart hot dogs are floating in.
3. I have a fair number of friends who live north and west of Westchester County. Ergo, I understand the unique demands of "upstate" New York.
4. I know how to shmooze and schlep, and can differentiate between a "goombah" and a "guido". And I know how to spell "bupkis."
5. I am a classic New York sports fan: I assume my team is going to lose, even if they have an insurmountable lead.
6. I don’t have a family compound on Cape Cod.
7. The only thing I really feel I am entitled to is peace and quiet during my morning commute. To my job. Y’know, the one that pays me bupkis.
8. Most importantly, I want to kickstart my own political dynasty. Of course, this means that I need to start breeding for maximum long-term effect, though it’s probably a little late for that. I wonder if I have time to adopt some twenty-somethings…