As The Straitjacket Express hurtles ever faster towards the ditch, belching toxic plumes of race hatred and flop sweat, I find myself wondering just what it would take for the Palin/McCain ticket to eke out a victory in November. After much brain-wracking, I have come up with several possible scenarios. They don’t all have to come true; two or three would probably be sufficient.

1. McCain successfully unleashes his secret plan to get bin Laden, sends Sarah Palin into Afghanistan with helicopter and high-powered rifle. Bin Laden said to be wearing Obama button before Palin field-dresses him.

2. Obama inexplicably turns final debate into profanity-laced tirade about how much he hates white people.

3. Stock market makes miraculous recovery after McCain announces his "tax cuts and ice cream for everybody" bailout plan.

4. "First Dude" Todd Palin releases wildly successful beefcake calendar, and John McCain doesn’t.

5. Iraqi Sunnis, Shias, and Kurds settle their differences and form liberal democratic coalition government. To show their appreciation for Bush and McCain’s glorious Surge, they hand over enormous hidden stockpile of WMDs and several thousand militants.

6. Swing-state Obama supporters afflicted with mysterious 24-hour coma on Election Day.

7. In stunning series of reversals, Al Gore and both Clintons endorse McCain; Joe Lieberman endorses Obama.

8. Obama busted in drug-fueled sex orgy and/or multi-state crime spree with Bill Ayers, Reverend Wright, and Tony Rezko.

9. DIEBOLD MADNESS!!!

10. Fairy-tale wedding between Bristol and Levi eclipses Charles and Di in ratings and swoon factor.

11. Alaska Independence Party registers 50 million new voters.

12. Medical researchers announce that McCain has survived cancer so many times that his blood now cures it.

13. We all take this list seriously and stay home.