wash-my-hair1.thumbnail.JPGIt’s really no wonder the GOP had to put a Law & Order has-been and a former Democrat onstage Tuesday night. There’s hardly any actual GOP officeholders in Saint Paul this week. Their reasons for not showing up are novel, to say the least.

Party conventions are officeholders’ quadrennial opportunity to back-slap one another, audition for bigger national roles in front of other states’ delegations, schmooze with out-of-state donors who may have overlooked their fecund PACs, party at soirees featuring bands with names like "Hookers & Blow," suck up to lobbyists in skyboxes and private parties at luxury hotels all over town, and snag valuable airtime with the bloviating gasbags who comprise our national political media elite.

So why wouldn’t they show up?

Well, even the hometown Senator made it pretty clear the convention wasn’t a high priority:

"If the convention wasn’t in St. Paul, I wouldn’t be at the convention," Coleman told Minnesota Public Radio.


Having set a record for an overdue budget in California (and adding to the record every day) Arnold Schwarzenegger, a star GOP headliner four years ago in New York City, is staying home to berate the legislature for not passing a budget.

"The work for the people of California, and to solve this budget problem, is the most important thing right now for me," Schwarzenegger said Wednesday during a news conference in Los Angeles.

Of course, not attending the GOP convention doesn’t prevent Arnold from incurring state expenditures just in case he does attend:

Even while his office was downplaying the chances he would jet off to Minnesota to speak at the Republican National Convention – citing the state’s budget stalemate – we’re told that the California Highway Patrol dispatched a security team to the Twin Cities.

The idea was that the team would prep for a possible Arnold drop-in if a miracle occurred and Sacramento legislators reached a deal.

There are some GOPs whose absence won’t be missed, of course, even the one who added a tourist attraction to the local airport.

It used to be that the Minneapolis International Airport was relatively landmark-free. Sure, there was always Ike’s Food and Cocktails, where Stumper has been known to chug a tasty local microbrew (Surly Furious) while chowing down on a fried walleye sandwich (presumably caught in one of Minnesota’s 10,000 lakes). But that all changed on June 11, 2007, when Republican Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested on suspicion of lewd conduct in one of the airport’s many restrooms–instantly destroying his career and transforming said loo into a must-see destination for any politico who happens to be passing through the Twin Cities.

And missing the opportunity to see his own governor accept the Vice-Presidential nomination of their party is Alaska’s own Uncle Ted Stevens, in Washington preparing for the speedy trial he insisted on despite his lawyers being overwhelmed with documents.

The FBI did not tap Stevens’ phones, but listened in on the phones of contractors who did business with Stevens in Alaska.

Stevens’ attorney Brendan Sullivan filed several motions Tuesday that, if successful, would have this evidence tossed out before the trial begins in late September or early October. Stevens has maintained that he wants to have a quick and speedy trial completed before the Nov. 4 election, but the legal motions are piling up, making it much more difficult to schedule a trial that would be done before the election.

Given anonymity to speak candidly, one GOP aide told the truth about the party’s image:

Republican officials have encouraged candidates to focus first on winning their own elections. But an aide to a Republican senator, who spoke on condition of anonymity, offered another reason for the no-shows.

"The party brand is in tatters," said the aide. "The president is highly unpopular. There doesn’t seem to be much excitement around the candidate. And there’s a real fear of being tagged with the Republican label and being seen with George Bush."

Courageous Democrats across the country — Kansas’s Jim Slattery, New Hampshire’s Jeanne Shaheen, Mainer and Blue America candidate Tom Allen, Oregonian and Blue America candidate Jeff Merkley, North Carolinian Kay Hagan — are doing their best to tie their rubber stamp incumbents to Bush’s failed policies. Do any of their opponents feel safe enough about this fall’s campaign to attend the GOP Saint Paul non-extravaganza?

Pat Roberts of Kansas enjoys a double-digit lead over a Democratic challenger in a state that hasn’t elected a Democrat to the Senate since 1932.

But Roberts is "finishing his 105-county tour" of the state and doesn’t want to stop, said spokeswoman Molly Haase.

In New Hampshire, which McCain often calls his "second home" because of the time he has spent campaigning there, Sen. John E. Sununu is battling to hold on to his seat and will "continue his town-to-town, person-to-person campaign" this week, said spokeswoman Stefani Zimmerman.

Maine Sen. Susan Collins also will skip the St. Paul festivities to campaign at home, as will Oregon Sen. Gordon H. Smith, who is running for his third term.

Ditto for North Carolina Sen. Elizabeth Dole, who is locked in an unexpectedly tight reelection race.

Rachel Maddow just pointed out on David Gregory’s show that no speaker at the podium on Tuesday night ever mentioned President Bush’s name. She says the word "Bush" was never spoken — and I’d wager that no-show Dick Cheney falls in that category as well.

And [McCain campaign manager Rick] Davis revealed this morning that Vice-President Dick Cheney was in Europe and would not be making any appearance at the convention. That comes on top of President Bush appearing only via satellite and not in the keynote role.

The challenger who has made the most of the no-show status of an incumbent is Jeff Merkley, the Speaker of the House in Oregon. His team wrote an inspired speech for stay-at-home GOP Senator Gordon Smith, who is doing his best to unshackle himself from the Bush policies he’s rubber-stamped for his entire Senate term.

The Merkley campaign has put together remarks for Smith to give at the convention just in case he does change his mind and head to Minneapolis this week.

Every single word in this speech comes from remarks Smith has made previously during his time in the Senate. Enjoy!

Thank you all so very much.[1] I’m very proud of you for being here. And I’m very grateful that you’re here, because this event gives us a chance to come together.[2]

It’s very meaningful to have African-Americans support me because I view them as God’s children, too.[3]

The Democratic Party is not my constituency. These are people that believe in socialism. I don’t.[4]

My campaign people will kill me for saying this but[5], President Bush has set our country on the course of recovery at home and strength abroad. We are safer today because this president has had the backbone to follow terrorism where terrorists are and go after them, and they have failed to strike us again on our own shores since 9-11.[6]

I believe when President Bush stood in front of “mission accomplished” on an aircraft carrier that, in purely military terms, the mission was accomplished.[7]

And I for one am thankful that we have a military as capable as this, and a commander in chief that had the courage not to listen to Hollywood, or the New York Times, or the French.[8]

It’s not John Kerry’s fault that he looks French.[9]

George Bush understands what creates opportunity in America.[10]

President Bush represents economic recovery and American leadership.[11]

And[12] I’m for John McCain. I’m in his kitchen cabinet. I’m one of six senators on his advisory committee.[13]

Thank you.[14]

Are your GOP officeholders staying home to ask for your vote this week, or has the "Hookers & Blow" convention proved too seductive for them to pass up? And have the Democrats challenging your local GOPs taken this opportunity, as Jeff Merkley’s team has, to question their alleged independence from the Bush policies they’ve been rubber-stamping all along?

Because that way lies victory. Democrats’ chances to defeat GOPs who can’t uncouple themselves from Bush are vastly increased. GOPs who can get out from under Bush’s long, hated shadow might win. And we can’t let that happen this year, perhaps one of our best ever against the tattered GOP brand.

Related posts:

  1. Honoring Paul Wellstone’s Legacy: Fighting Like Hell for Health Care Reform
  2. Michael Steele Offically Announces GOP Opposition to Obama: “The Honeymoon is Over”
  3. Gov. Patrick Names Paul Kirk to Replace Late Kennedy in Senate
  4. Late Night: Nice Health Coverage You Got There. Be a Shame If Somethin’ Happened to It.
  5. Late Night: The Republicans Have an Ingenious Plan to Make Everyone Forget the Past Eight Years.