baby.thumbnail.jpgI think conservatives are having an identity crisis. I first wondered if this were the case when the Spawn of Lucianne penned that crapnum opus, Liberal Fascism: I Know You Are But What Am I, which spent an inordinate amount of time thrashing about in fruitless search of a description of conservatism.

Now there’s a new book, due out in September, titled The Conservative’s Handbook: Defining the Right Position on Issues from A to Z, which seems to be setting itself up as a kind of dogmatic Bible for the denizens of Greater Wingnutopia. It too seems to be trying help conservatives just figure out who the fuck they are.

Lotsa luck with that, fellas.

As usual, the author — radio talker Phil Valentine — does so not by defining who they are so much as who they aren’t: to wit, liberals. Of course, the liberals Valentine concocts as the antithesis of conservatism (gun-grabbing, business-hating, Jesus-hating, baby-killing socialist leeches) don’t really exist, but that hasn’t stopped a right-winger from forming his identity around them yet.

The press release heralding the book includes a rundown of its "A to Z" including such searing, insightful tenets as "G: Guns are good," "J: Junk science is behind the global warming scare," "I: Illegal immigration is dangerous to this country" and "Q: Quotas are wrong" (except, presumably, when they’re applied to the influx of brown-skinned immigrants).

You can perhaps get a flavor of it all in Valentine’s recent New York Post column touting the book. Here’s my favorite:

7. Political correctness is the liberal version of fascism. Liberals have attempted to control the debate in America by attempting to control the language, and they’ve succeeded to some degree. There’s been no bigger muzzle on free speech than political correctness.

Jonah’s thesis is becoming a running theme these days in Wingnutopia. Kinda funny, isn’t it? Ten years ago they were content to just call us communists. My, how fashions change.

Anyway, it’s followed promptly by the next item:

8. Guns are good. Liberals are quick to defend our freedom of speech, press and our right to protest but they ignore our right to bear arms, which figures prominently into our Bill of Rights….

Um, so which is it? Are liberals destroying free speech or defending it? I’m so confused. Or maybe just the "thinkers" of Wingnutopia are.

Which is probably why it’s written in an elementary, simple, A to Z primer format that a lizard could read because it doesn’t have to make any sense at all. Perfect for the audience.