I’m sure that by now you are all familiar with WSJ reporter Amy Chozick’s journalistic tour-de-force, wherein she broke new journalistic ground by using a Yahoo message board to show that the 66% of American citizens who are overweight would never "vote for any beanpole guy" like Barack Obama, preferring instead to vote for morbidly obese land whales like George W. Bush and John McCain. (And by "66% of American citizens," I mean, of course, "onlinebeerbellygirl.")
At the very least, she makes a compelling case that Senator Obama will have a hard time winning the all-important Yahoo message board demographic.
Or will he? Using the very same Cutting-Edge Journalistic Techniques and airclad logic as Ms. Chozick, I have uncovered an even more serious vulnerability for Senator McCain: 73% of Americans use the internet, and McCain, well… not so much. Could this cost him the votes of the interneterati? Let’s see what kind of responses I get to my query, "Does anyone out there think John McCain is too computer-illiterate to be president? Anyone have a hard time relating to him and his ‘having to rely on his wife for all the assistance he can get’?"
"omg ru kidding? mai preznit must haz teh l33t sk1llz!!1!" opined some guy on the internet.
"if he don’t know how to do the google, he aint getting anywhere near my tubes [smileyface wink smileyface]," declared trollop2868.
"If you ignore the future, it will go away," said, um, me. (Hey, there’s no rule that says I can’t comment too – I’m an internet user!)
There were a few dissenting opinions (unlike Ms. Chozick, I will report those too):
"I’m voting for McCain because i KNOW he never uses the computer to visit pRon sites," said The LoneStranger. (pRon rPaul sites?)
"At least we don’t have to worry about him losing the Social Security trust fund in an online poker game, or sending it all to some spammer in Nigeria," observed KarlBove1950.
But aside from a few dissenters who worried about a president with reckless internet habits, the homogeneous and tightly-knit internet community was overwhelmingly against the idea of voting for someone who thinks Second Life must be some kind of evangelical reference.
Clearly, this will be a huge problem for McCain in November, as the 73% of Americans who can’t relate to his borderline Luddism will outnumber the 66% who can’t relate to Obama’s svelte physique, leading to a crushing defeat for the Republican. His only hope for success is a campaign slogan which plays to his positives. My recommendation is "McCain ‘08: No Midget Porn." I’ll leave it to someone else to design the logo…
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Aloha, Eli!
Alhoa, CTut!
Er, Aloha, even…
4L0h4 eL1
4l0h4, 3g.
I was EPU’d…
Hola, Elito!
Hola, er, wangdangdoodle…ito.
Actually, that should be wangdangdoodlita. My bad.
The internet?
I don’t think he has mastered Morse Code yet!
Phunny post, Eli. Thanks for the laffs!
But he can send smoke signals without any special equipment…
//3 r 4n0nym0u5,
/-|| ur c4nd1d4735 r b3|0n6 70 5uc|
:o filter ate part of that!
Thanks! I think it was much funnier before I started writing it, unfortunately…
Say what?!?
McCain prolly wishes there was no such thing as the intertoobz. I mean, when you get schooled by Paris Hilton you’re in trouble.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/64ad536a6d
Digg this
McCain Fails 1337 Test
He’s from B4rc310n4…
BWAH-HA-HA-HAHAHAHA!!!
OK, I get this one, but what’s a L33t?
Unlike the LoneStranger, I think I’d prefer to have a president who DID spend his time surfing the pRon sites.
It seems it would be better than one that spends his time telling lies and getting American killed in an invasion.
No fair, you have secret edit powers!
pRon `08 !!!111
yeah, at least he’d an idea what a computer virus is.
Short for “elite”, as in “1 who can haz teh mad sk1llz.”
So I guess this makes us all l33tists.
Eli!
Eli, Eli, the term, ‘archaic’ is both too-nuanced and far too quaint for general consumption.
‘Venerable’, as in ‘venerable ruins’ or
‘Classic’, as in ‘antiquity’ are also ‘non-starters’.
Perhaps we might try,’Comfortably broken in’ or ‘long-wearing’, which terms
are as ‘unseemly’ as we may presume in appellation to the great Mc$ame, who, we must simply ‘believe’ will inherit Bu$h Co’s direct phoney ‘line’ to the Lord.
Biblically speaking, our dear John is but a wet-behind-the-ears youngin, as yet unbowed, and whatever shuffling, grimace, or tic may, on occassion, beset him, his spry, nimble and lively animation speaks volumes.
What page are you on?
Oops, Joe Lie used that page for the last post …
Besides, if everyone keeps picking on John about his age, well, he just might become upset.
Hey! Who knocked the old geezer, ah, damn, I mean the next President, over.
What do you mean, “He fell”? I saw the sidewalk come right up and wallop the guy for no reason at all …
McCain thinks it’s something you catch from internet pRon sites.
“You will never catch me using the Internets! It’s a dangerous place! Only the elite use the internet. Real men shout down tubes! Like on ships in those WW II movies! FULL SPEED AHEAD! RAMMING SPEED!”
Reminds me when I showed my friend (who had a Mac) what the Web was about, “THIS is surfing the web? This isn’t hard. This is pointing an clicking I can do that. I thought surfing would be harder.”
The same friend that she had to put something about “computer skills” on her resume but she didn’t think she had any.
“What do you do all day?”
“Sell drugs to doctors.”
“How does the company know how much you sell and to whom?”
“I have a terminal on my desk where I type in the information about which doctor I visit and how much they bought.”
“Write down that you know how to update a prospecting and sales database.”
“That is a database? REALLY!?”
“Yep. And if you let me look at it I could probably tell you who makes it and make it sound more techie.”
“Nah, that’s plenty.”
u n00b :)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leet
John McCain is also too cranky to be President.
Whew! Maybe I’m not too old afterall… that was my suspicion.
Off to cook dinner, meatloaf again. See y’all laters.
Ron Suskind on KO tonight!
Can’t spell 1337 without eli.
Ya think McCain would look for somewhere to put a thermometer in the computer to take it’s temperature if someone told him it had a virus?
Or would he be looking to give it a penicillin shot?
I think I’m comfortable with archaic in the sense of outdated and behind the times, which is more what I’m driving at than mere age.
Hey thanks tw3k… n00b makes me sound young!
(And for the link, too.)
*poof*
McSame: Ready for Antiques Roadshow on Day ONE!
Oh Eli,
What a damning thing to say.
“Outdated and behind the times”.
Sounds like a social ‘nunbskull’ hangin’ out behind the NY Times building in New York city.
Actually, Eli, ‘archaic’ is quite applicable to Mc$ame as in, “characteristic of the past and surviving in some special uses …”
obsol33t?
That works too, especially if “special uses” = “special interests”…
I think he’d just put it out in the trash. value? what value?
Your first name is Elite?
So not only does he have no toobz skillz, you’re saying he’s a polluter as well?
Fer Shame Fer Shame.
Absitivey, tw3k, as well as posolutely.
nrg paulisc dirll four of sure oyl rite now whorey up voat four me. Press send.
No, my last name is Te.
Eli;
We is in argeementality. Totalish-ously
;~D
Huh?
you always did have an uppity nose
McCain on the Toobz?
Pron?
This is more likely.
Ooo… Fancy…
i dunno, i’m so turned off bu the presidential race that i really find no humor in it.
i’d find it funny if i cared, i guess.
My 92 year old aunt said McCain was too old to be president. I chuckled at that statement.
She probably meant he was old at heart.
Future President: OK, what is the current threat assessment?
CIA Director: Sir, we’re about to be invaded by suicidal Islamofascist terrorists!
FP, looking shocked: OMG! Where did you find that out?
CIA D (proudly): I found it on the toobz, sir!
FP: Well, then, Sec. Def., what are we going to do?
S.D.: Well, sir, all our troops are still in Iraq and Afghanistan. And that includes all of our National Guard, and the Sheriff’s deputies of every major county in the country. But we’ve got a lot of nuclear weapons sitting around in surplus, Sir. And we’ve got lots of pilots that have been wondering what to do since the drones took over most of their work.
…and then I woke up with a splitting headache.
Bob in HI
She was pretty clear that he’s just old, and his time has passed. She may not be able to walk too well, but she does know her politics.
Well,
You gots to ad-mit that the presidental horse and pony race is ab-surd, right?
And what’s the best way to deflate the swollen-ego idjits?
Laugh yer ass off at ‘em, every chance ya git.
Otherwise one jus’ gits morose and depresselated.
Cain’t be thataway all the time.
Just think, someday people will say Bu$H! And everybody will fall off the floor laughing.
We just shoulda done it from the get go.
Even Cheney can’t stand to be laughed at. (Remember when we were told that Cheney had gravitas? What a hoot!)
Maybe the poor guy he shot giggled, or something.
Bush, Cheney, & McCain all strike me as people who simply cannot *stand* to be laughed at, and would most definitely shoot anyone who did so if they were sure they could get away with it.
I think I heard that Cheney isn’t “invited” to the GOP convention.
That is worth a laugh..unless it makes him really, really mad…
Cheney already proved that…/s
she’s right on MM
Damn, so that’s what that ’static’ is, punaise.
Nobody ever ’splained it that way before.
It always makes me grit my teeth.
A Cheney screech?
No wonder the cats leave the room.
Why did I just get a mental image Of Bush practicing Quick Draw in the Oval Office every morning at Nine AM?
My question….. how can McBush force Congress from going on recess?
Is that more executive power than the real Bush?
Will he hold Congress on house arrest on the floor of the House & Senate?
I guess we need to send McBush a hole pile of pocket constitutions with the section highlighted that there is a separation of power….
Ha! I read he wasn’t going, didn’t say he was less than invited. That’s pretty funny.
He’s probably got the full cowboy outfit, too. He’ll be begging Laura every day to let him wear it on the ranch after he leaves the WH.
This is the new demographic that McCane is going after, courtesy of Sugar Moma.
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/207172.php
oops! that was in reply to LS @ 60
Howard Fineman…… at Sturgus….. “That was McCain… unhinged….” …baaawwwaaahhhhh …
Comment deleted by author, sometimes I get out of hand.
Pickle licking contest……
I think there’s not a single comment in response to that performance that would get thru the mods. The event speaks for itself.
you mean this picture?
oh sry, that was bush
What is Laura Bush’s nickname again?
see?
SEE?!!
I am SO bad…..
Back to the dishes and my apologies….
Ian’s upstairs…
*War* president, not commando president…
The McC campaign has had quite a day. McC offers up his wife like a side of beef and HoJo flushes while talking. You gotta love it !
Eli, wonderful post Thanks for the laugh! .