“I told King Charles VI, I knew how to win wars”

It’s a tough time to be John McCain, relatively – it’s not like all Cindy’s money is in IndyMac. But when he went overseas no one cared. And now McCain has foolishly berated him for months to go overseas (knowing he had already planned on it) Barack Obama is doing so and the three network anchors are going with him. Way to play that one up for him genius. And all McCain has left is the Phil Gramm method of whining about it.

Oh, gee the new, younger, more exciting kid on the block is getting attention and depriving the poor old Maverick of his usual entourage. Which is too bad because if he got any attention given his recent embarrassments it would be all the worse for him.

But someone more exciting has come along and now he doesn’t get the limelight and the hugs like he used to.

Well, now he knows how the first Mrs. McCain felt when you were applying early for marriage licenses with Cindy.

But McCain isn’t going to take this lying down on his Craftmatic Adjustable bed. No, he and his crack staff of lobbyist have a new dynamic speech that is completely original and non-derivative. They’ve even gotten a new endorsement deal from Jell-O on the green-screen. Here’s a preview:

McCain, Act 4, Scene 3:

This day is call’d the feast of Beef Ribs, my friends.
My friends, he that out eats Liz Sidoti this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d, my friends
And rouse him at the name of Maverick.
My friends, he that shall binge this day, and see old age, like me
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, my friends
And say ‘To-morrow is McCain’s McRib Dinner.’
Then will he strip his sleeve, my friends and show his Ayn Rand tattoo,
And say ‘These tats I got on Beef Rib day.’
Old men forget; my friends, I just forgot, we’ll be fighting more wars
But I’ll remember, with a teleprompter,
Oh what Costco meat we eat this day, my friends. Then shall our emails,
Their addresses in Ron Fournier’s ‘Outlook File’ as "buddies"
Maverick the humble hero, Cindy and Lindsey,
Carly and Charlie Black, Phil Gramm, and of course Lieberman, my friends
Be in their pissed in pants freshly ‘sprinkled’.
This story shall my friends teach my friend’s son my friends;
And a dry rub shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world — set for 2010 my friends,
But, my friends, we in it shall be remembered-
We few, war mongering few, we band of wankers;
For he to-day that samples the propane’s charms with me, my friends
Shall be a wanker; for he’s quite vile, and well, you’re all vile my friends, and
This day shall lead to more rendition;
And gentlemen together now-a-green screened, my friends
Shall think themselves accurs’d their client banks are not in arrears, my friends
And hold their manhoods for cheap whiles any speaks my friends
That had others chow down without them on this Beef Ribs day!!!